lady gaga's bad romance is so stuck in my head. ok, that was a side note.

there must be something i wish to rant about in here, since i've not been posting entries in this blog for a long long time. its about lzk, again, as usual. perhaps he's the only person that can affect me so much other than my family.

i still cant believe he smoked up in aussie. he said he wont club even if the rest went, but he went anyways. that's fine. im alr living with the fact that he doesnt quite keep to his words. but smoking up? wheat? and he can shrug it off and say 'its only wheat. its not even smoking up. it was only a stick.' oh how funny. drugs are drugs. didnt bother to argue with him cos its just pointless. i alr know the end of the argument. he'd just say 'baby i'm sorry. it wont happen again.' what's the point of that? i've just got this very strong feeling that he's still fucking immatured at heart. his actions really irk the hell out of me. and all the more i realize that this is not the kinda guy i want to spend my life with.

i use this example all the time, but im gonna use it again. i can alr imagine someday, he'd sleep with someone else and come tell me the same thing, 'baby i'm sorry. it wont happen again.' seriously. he keeps saying its a different issue and this analogy doesnt work. but to me, its the same fucking thing, because its just HIM and his little MIND that is just so freaking immatured! and i jolly well know, that if one day that 'analogy' of mine truly happens, i'll blame myself for being so stupid for accepting his apologies again and again.

true enough, i might only be 22. i dont need to plan for whatsoever family, i dont need to find a guy i want to settle down with at this moment. i've got a few more years probably. but still, i dont want to waste time on someone i dont even see as my future partner. selfish as it sounds, i really dont. and yet this is what lzk is showing me time and again. that he is really not the one. its like he's PROVING to me that he is NOT the one for me. i cant believe this.



别再为他流泪

演唱：梁静茹

你走了太久一定很累

他错了不该你来面对
离开他就好 就算了 心情很干脆

他其实没有那么绝对
远一点你就看出真伪
离开他不等于你的世界会崩溃
转个弯你还能飞

就别再为他流泪
别再让他操控你的伤悲
就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔
也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪
把那遗憾留在大雨的街
你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追
以后为自己醉
以后管他是谁

每段感情都非常珍贵
他的好你就放在心扉
记得有个人曾让你那样的心醉

你笑了照亮夜幕的黑
什么梦都不比你的美
多少年以后想起他还有些体会
那些你已无所谓

dont love the tune as much as the lyrics. met him yday for mj at mel's place. it didnt hurt, it was just a lil awkward at first. as i was taking smth and shifted his wallet, i saw that the card i gave him was no longer there. the angel card i drew. haa, just another reminder that we are no longer. that stung. but yup, its all over.



justin lo's mei li zhi zui has been making me cry over and over again. i think the lyrics are beautiful, and some of it really speaks of what i want to say. i've never cried so hard before in my life. im trembling. and i cant control myself, let alone my tears. i dont know why its so painful.

he was the guy who really made me happy, and probably no one else i meet this life will be able to make me as happy. but he also brought me such misery. that pain in my heart still refuses to go away. im starting to find it hard to breathe.

i know there's a part of me that wishes that i could bump into him on the streets. but there's the other part of me that tells me i shd quietly walk away if that happens.

damn the swollen puffy eyes. i think im gonna be dehydrated or anorexic soon, from all that crying and all that not eating.



its never easy to stomach a breakup.
i keep telling myself that.
but it doesnt make it any easier.
it doesnt make me stop crying.
hard to believe all i did for the r/s just went down the drain like that.


and now i wipe my tears and meet his friends.
probably for the last time.



my r/s has soured to a point it seems almost impossible to redeem. in fact, i dont quite think i'd end up friends w him even if we split up. yea, that's how bad its got. both of us cant come up w a solution to things. he's keeping himself busy and to me, that's just his way of avoiding me. feels like may08. he just wants to find an escape and not bother. then seriously, why bother holding on even.

haa. i still dont see a solution. if this is it, then let it be.

i always say that ppl have to take charge of their lives. but this time round, wo zhen de ren ming le. i've lost all energy to fight, even though its smth i wish i could hold on to.

i did think that he was the one, but time and again, im made to believe 'stories' and 'reasons' i really dont quite believe. lies. lack of trust. now, we dont even speak properly to each other. haa. its the first time any r/s of mine has turned out this way. its the first time im faced w problems regarding an 'ex-gf'.

i dont know what to make out of it. this is not my forte.



im so pissed i cant find the words to express how i feel.

to dad:
im not a fucking driver, and i have no obligations to send u wherever u want to go. if u want to drink and destroy your health, go ahead. but dont come home and fucking kick up a fuss. cos i dont take such shit. u say u're stressed, that's why u drink. i say u're selfish and stuck up and u dont see how much stress ur drinking is causing me and mom. im sad to say this, but u're a disgrace, and like i've said so much earlier, i've lost respect for u.

to mom:
my license does not mean i have to pick up dad when he's drunk. im tired. i have sch, i work freelance, u complain bout him and all his doings, i've had enough. i dont think i have to entertain u and dad when im alr so fucking tired myself. i need to rush arnd to get things done. but i'd gladly do so if its smth i willingly do. dont make me go to the coffeeshop, sit there and WAIT for dad to finally decide to stop drinking, just so i can send him home. hello, u jolly well know how he is like when he drinks. im amazed u still hold hope after so many years. and when that hope is dashed, dont fucking come complaining to me and screaming vulgarities. cos HE cant hear and HE doesnt know. if u've got guts, tell him that in his face. i dont need this.

i need an outlet.



i have gone thru many things a 21 yr old shdnt. things im not proud of. nothing can erase those scars, so i'll just live w them. on a brighter note, its all over.

currently listening: que xi by sammi cheng
i forgot how nice this song is, till i heard it again.



waipo had her 80th bday yday! =)) had a lil celebration dinner for her at this restaurant in yishun, and surprisingly, they serve really nice food! pictures and details later. cos i just woke up and i dont wanna go thru the trouble. just wanted to say that my tagboard's pretty screwed up. so for 2 weeks i've been trying to type in "MY EMAIL IS SHUXUAN79@HOTMAIL.COM!!!" to brianna, but i couldnt. wtff.