i dont think i can handle this anymore. i cant live with my parents. i feel like running out w a bag of clothes and i do not care if i live on the streets. but then again i know that would hurt them, especially my mom, and i cant bear to hurt her anymore. i cant do shit about it cos its not my marriage. i dont want to make my mom do smth she doesnt want to. even if everything settles down, i know i cant live with my dad in the house anymore. i've simply lost all respect for him, and im just so disappointed in him. i cant live in fear, threats and violence all my life. i really hate him. i really do. but it hurts to hate someone that close to me. cos i do not want to believe that he's sucha bastard. i try to tell myself things arent like that, there must be some misunderstanding. but when evidences proof me wrong, i crash. cos i do not know how to handle the fact that someone i respected all my life just took away all that trust i had in him. so many things do not matter anymore. marriages seem like jokes to me now. what commitment? what essence of love? bullshit. fucking bullshit. so what if i mean the world to both of them? this is not even a family. this is not even how a family should have been. it has never been, right from the start.

if i mean the most to him, then i'd rather i die, just so i can take away what's most important to him, and punish him for the rest of his life.