boring sat. but it didnt end that boring either. walked and talked to zk from thomson to bishan park, about his work, about his/my future, etc etc. i like talks like that. but i also know guys probably hate to talk like that most of the time. the more i listen to him and his plans for the future, the more i feel that guys really do change when they start planning about their future. probably its cos their career really takes priority, i mean, if there is no money, no career, they dont exactly have a future to think about. perhaps that is why it does not really matter if the girl by their side by the time they want to settle down is someone they truly love with all their heart. it seems like its more or less "we're stable", "if i love her, its a bonus", "its time to settle down and set up a family". does that explain why ppl often settle down with someone stable, but not the person they loved most in their lives? maybe... maybe when im older, when im looking to settle down, i'd think that way too. but for now, im just happy being with someone whom i truly love. its a blessing to love someone, be loved, and to be truly happy together.

there is no doubt that we quarrel, probably more often than i would have liked, probably more hurtful than i would have wanted, but to me, its all part and parcel of growing up. not just me or him growing up, but our relationship as well. i dont doubt the fact that history might repeat itself, and i dont deny the fact that many of my friends do not trust him as it is. i understand that whatever happened in the past is really unforgivable to many. but i want to trust him again, and believe that he has changed. i also know its impossible to convince friends when they alr have a bad impression of him. so im not even trying. i'll just let time tell. it does get tiring though, when friends occasionally ask if we're alright, if i think he is worth my time, if i think this relationship is worth my sacrifices. i guess those sacrifices, be it time or effort, work both ways. he has made his choices and he is making sacrifices too. it does sound like im defending him, but its more of what my heart wants, and im just being as fair as i can not to discredit him. one thing that no other guy can do is to make me as happy as he makes me. i think that in itself is alr priceless.

im so glad that i have so many friends concerned about me, but at the same time, im finding it so tough to please everyone. to the point that im most concerned about my own happiness. true enough, it might seem like there are better choices out there waiting for me. but then again, some things like chemistry cant be forged. some things like love cant be forced. no matter how eligible a guy may be, he might just not be the one for me. love is irrational. im happy, and i really hope that one day, all my friends would be happy for me too. probably like the way dar and belle say they are happy for chris. that again, is priceless.



things havent been going well in the family. on the surface, all seems well though. but every single night, i face the same things over and over again. mom goes on about this, that and the other. every single thing raises her radar and she suspects this and that. i got so irritated i told her she could jolly well go be a scriptwriter if she could "make up" the stories so well with just a few facts sandwiched in between. there is just a faint line between truth and lies, and i no longer know how to tell the difference. perhaps that is why i let the truth emerge by itself, rather than hallucinate about what is and what isn't. its just too tiring on my tiny brain. but no! mom isn't like me! for every single night of the past 2 weeks i've been hearing the same things back and forth, to the extent that im shutting out most of the information coming from her now. on one hand, i want to be there to listen cos i know no one else would listen to her. but on the other, it is getting too much for me to handle, and im getting so sick of staying at home. i dont know how long i can hold on.

then there's the stupid story of the ex. and all the ridiculous 'coincidences' and whats not. its getting a lil too far fetched, and im getting irritated. maybe by the fact that it even happened, maybe by the fact that such relationship saboteurs exist. i dont see what she has to gain even if we do break up. from what i see, she's probably just getting further and further from zk with all that she's doing. oh well, its between him and her. and the next time it involves me again, i'll snap.



almost always, i look back and wonder, how did i manage to stay with him all these while?




then i realize, love is irrational, unconditional, illogical.



so many things have been going on at home. im not in control, but i do feel guilty that things have turned this way. i hate hearing all the things they have to say, and honestly, i just want to pack up and leave this house now. but i know i'd hurt both of them. and right now, there is enough hurt going around in this family alr.

as for the relationship, we went thru some ridiculously insane stuff. and up till now, im not too certain if i can trust him and all that he says. cos there is absolutely NO proof. words, and all words. and im supposed to trust his words as they are. though they do sound stupidly "impossible". but im alr jaded by all that is happening, be it the r/s or the family. im too tired to question zk any further. not that im convinced. but simply that i have no energy. i only wish he could really assure me that what he's said is the truth. that's all. sadly, i told him HOW he could do it, but he couldnt do it in the end. haa. whatever. i cant find any strength to pursue or argue further. he's still him. he still holds a soft spot for her. its obvious and undeniable, however hard he tries to deny it.

insomnia. yes its back. perhaps its all the problems, all the stress, and all the tears. sleepless nights again. night after night. like i told zk, if this relationship doesnt kill me, insomnia will.



common sense says that there shd be smth wrong with me if its close to 6 and im not turning in. but common sense cant figure out what isit that is keeping me from sleep.

i need some affirmation to know if im going in the right direction.

why do all things fall apart? why am i the target of all pain?

i just need to breathe...