some people can't screen messages effectively, especially when they are overly sensitive or distracted. we remember TOO much, and it interferes with today's experiences.

wow. how true. perhaps im at this stage right now. failing to receive any other information contrary to what i believe.



Dont tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me goin'
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closin'
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

im so addicted to that song right now. =)

there's always two sides to a coin. but when do you tell yourself which side to take? so much about truths and lies, its impossible to decipher it all. people question, and i start to waver. cos i myself know that i do not know the truth. or at least, not all of it. its tiring to think. so i give up and allow myself to be in this ditch where "trust" is no longer of essence. i don't know what is. but definitely, trust is not on the list. i can't defend him, neither can i defend myself. haa. its like im eating an apple that i know is rotten. or taking a path i see an end to. its not me to do smth like that, but i don't know why im doing it anyways. maybe reality just hasn't struck me hard enough.



instead of asking "why is she still in the picture after so long?" i shd be saying "all this is caused by a guy who doesn't know how to handle the girls in his life".

which is... well, so true. i put myself in her shoes, and i see that she is at no fault. neither is she attention seeking or whatever. in her eyes, this guy broke up with his ex cos of her, and now that he's dating someone else alr, he's still contacting her. this just goes to show that she still means smth to him. naturally, she'd feel that there is still a chance somewhere. its normal she feels this way, cos if im in her shoes, i'd feel that way too.

its hard to hear the truth. even harder to know that for the entire while, so many problems arose cos he cant handle his ex properly. there may or may not be smth going on between them. but some things cant be changed. that is my impressions and my disappointments. i am still disappointed in him. in the fact that he lied to me for so long. that all these problems boil down to him not being able to sort out his own feelings. that he wasn't even serious bout this from the start, and what was supposed to be a honeymoon period became hell in my memory. its like we started from hell, and over the years, we kept trying to make things better. but how much better can better be? or even, how much has changed these two years odd? perhaps.... we've just been going arnd in circles and we never ended up far from where we started. its crazy to think that your bf of 2yrs odd is still in contact with his ex. and he's still concerned about her, blah blah blah. it just says how much he thinks of his current relationship, and how much he thinks of her, and how much respect he has of his current gf. its insane. i know.

i am a stupid gf. that i know. its so easy to lie to me for 2 years. 2 fucking years. seems like i havent learnt from my previous relationship at all. i keep thinking i've became smarter, less naive and gullible, but i realized, i still am! perhaps im so dumb that every guy doesn't take me seriously. haa. how pathetic. perhaps im so easy to deceive that every guy thinks "why not?". all these lies and deceit just makes me feel useless and stupid. and i start thinking that there arent honest guys out there at all. i've learnt not to trust ppl easily, but i STILL get cheated. 2 yrs plus. how dumb can i get? haa.

im disappointed in him, even more disappointed in myself...



more lost than ever.

there goes the trust in the r/s. slowly, the love disappears. i've felt this before. i've gone thru it all. i just dont want to go thru it again. maybe that's why im hesitant to face the truth.



you went thru so much for him and this happens? dont be silly la.

i did it for myself too. it wasnt all for him.

yea right. seriously YOU are the one getting hurt here, not him. let's just be frank la. he leaves you and you're still left with nothing, nothing but a huge scar.

i know. i dont know. i want to believe him, i really want to. but im trying so hard it gets trying. and i feel like im breaking down from within.

then dont push yourself so hard.

i wish i could. i wish i could stop this feeling of unsettled-ness. i wish i could cry it all out. but i know it is not that simple. crying wont help.

cry then. stop keeping it all in. its obvious. you're showing it. though i know you dont want to.

why do things have to get so complicated?

cos love is simple. but a relationship is not.

why cant i erase my memories?

cos you will then forget you once loved him.

all the better. perhaps i do want to erase my memories then.












i need inner peace. im starting to feel like a fool all over again. i dont know what's the truth and what were lies. i wish he could just be absolutely honest and tell me everything right from the start. bit by bit. even the lies. the truth. the everything. total honesty. i cant promise it'd make me feel better. i cant promise i'd believe everything. but i might, i MIGHT feel better.

forgiving, or putting this issue aside, i dont see what's the point. its just a time-bomb waiting to go off. tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock. the next time smth happens, i'd explode again. and things get ugly. and when that happens, i can already foresee what i'd be telling myself at that time:

"see. look at what you've got. you just deserve this, cos you chose to forgive him time and time and time again. you NEVER learnt. not from your previous relationship, not from your current. you put yourself in this vulnerable position, so don't blame it all on him. blame yourself for being stupid. as usual."

if i choose otherwise now. if i let it all pass. what's gonna change? nothing? haa. what a slanted choice i gotta make now.



a relationship is supposedly based on love. well, not so much i guess. a lot more is based on trust, hope and faith. what happens then when the three are diminishing by the minute? there is only that much (or little) left of the relationship.

currently addicted to this song from the hk drama serial im watching. its just so comforting to hear it.

if you wander off too far,
my love will get you home
if you follow the wrong star,
my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself,
lost and all alone
get back on your feet and think of me,
my love will get you home
boy, my love will get you home
...
...

i wish love could be that simple. agape. easier said than done. too many things scar or taint a relationship so bad i dont know how to return to the naive, forgiving me when i was 14. some memories haunt me and i never want to be put in that vulnerable position again. no choice is ever easy. this is exceptionally tough.