im happy. very very very happy that we're back tgt. or shd i say, lzk is back with me. whatever it is, im just glad things worked out after the trip. i hope this is not on impulse, or that i got bowled over by emotions. i hope that we are where we are because we understand how impt we are to each other. i hope this love pulls thru. hope that this relationship can withstand time, withstand challenges, withstand anything that comes our way. =) i love him. very dearly.

... perhaps i took too long to realize that. caused both of us alot of pain cos i took so long to learn that...

i only want him, no one else. im so glad i understand that so clearly now. =)



my 21st has definitely been memorable. way way way memorable. i nv felt so touched by my friends, really. the only reason im blogging here b4 i do so on my other blog is cos i wanna write ALOT there and im now too tired to do so. haa. i really love and appreciate all my friends. all those that came, those who tried but couldnt, those who wished me thru sms, those who left me messages on facebook, friendster or whatsoever, those that remembered and those that forgot. i love them.

i am still very apologetic over the fact that i disappeared for so long after cutting the cake. just to meet zk downstairs. he wished me happy 21st as a friend. he hugged me as a friend. then we talked as friends. it was so nice to hear his voice when the clock struck 12. and to see him after my surprise party from friends. but there was this achy feeling deep down, cos he was just a friend.

he came down to wish me happy birthday and to see me. that was what he said. that's all. its nice seeing him, but i couldnt help but expect more than that. i cried. cos it all hit me. how different things were. i found it hard to even look him in the eye. i didnt dare to. it hurt too bad.

after a night of mj, i headed to his place with a horrible gastric problem. took a panadol and tossed and turned for an hour? or was it two? found a comfy position and fell asleep. woke up, lunch. no more tanning, nothing. somehow decided to go sing k with mark and val, so we ended up in town with them eventually. i didnt know how to face them, i didnt know who i was to zk, and i didnt know how i was even supposed to be there. zk told them that we got back tgt, which wasnt the case. honestly, seriously, i have no idea what zk wants.

now he says he wants the r/s. all of a sudden. just like how he snapped and wanted a breakup, he suddenly snapped back and wants me. i ought to be happy rite? but im not. im just confused. he said he needed time. a mth. now he changed his mind. he wants the r/s back alr. i dont know what's the trigger. like how i didnt understand how he changed suddenly, the same thing is happening all over again. of cos im scared. scared that he'd do this all over again to me in future. i wont be able to take it. scared that he's doing all this cos its my birthday and he wants to make me happy. then one day i'd realize its all 'made up'. scared that he has changed so much im no longer able to accept him as he is now.

but i still have faith that he is essentially still him. he's still the lzk i fight with in the morning, squabble with all day, the one that makes me laugh, the idiot who makes me cry, and the loving bf i always had by my side. things have changed. and some things will never go back to the way they were. but will things get better from hereon? i dont know.

i hate to be taken on free rides and then thrown off in the midst of it. i am scared. i really am. cos i know how much he matters to me, and i jolly well know i cant take any more blows like this. just as i was picking up the pieces, he came back and tried to fix my heart back. ironic, isnt it?

i still dont know what he wants out of me, or what i am to him. the best answer so far, im just a fling for now. cos im always there for him anw. i put myself down to this state. and it might just be pity instead of love for me.