this post is entirely for the eyes of him only. i cant find any other way to 'talk' to him. and i dont know if he'd even read this blog anymore. but if he does, this is what i want to say.

deardear,

u were the first guy i felt sure about. my biggest pillar of support. my parents didnt accept u, and i was really upset about it. i often told u of my doubts about u, cos i really wanted to see u being my partner for a long long time to come. i really did hope for that to happen. that was why i found the courage to bring u to my grandparent's place. it was a first. to u it might not mean anything, but to me, i had to be certain of the guy im bringing to see my extended family. now, i feel like i should not have introduced u to them in the first place.

u gave me many promises in those 2 years. of course, u didn't keep to all of them. for some reason, i did believe that we would get married when we got older. hopes, dreams, promises. i thought we would go on being happy together. get married, live together (with lex of cos!), and see each other's face every morning. i really thought so. maybe im still young, and i dream too much. fairytales don't exist. u took all that away in a day.

i talked to ur mom. she's worried for u. nobody knows why u're acting like that lately, and u refuse to say a word. perhaps your friends and colleagues would understand u better. but i think it'd be good to tell your mom what's happening so she wont worry. maybe u have many other things to handle, and u just gotta give up smth. why u chose to give up the r/s, i cant fathom. i didnt think that amongst your friends, family, work, colleagues and me, i'd be the one thing u choose to discard from the list. that in itself is really hard to stomach. as much as i can try to understand ur stress, i cant help but hate u for putting me thru this before my exam, and before my birthday. u really have no idea just how hurt i am by your words and actions. u dont wish to see me cos u dont want to see me cry. does that help? maybe for u it does. maybe u can let go much more easily then. i hope u understand, that i am at home alone, trying to study, and my mind has alot more time to wander. u have to work, face people, and i know its not easy for u to hide your feelings either. but at least, u have less time to focus on this.

your supposed 'time off' is just your way of telling me u need time to get used to being without me. once u're comfortable with that, u'd tell me "ok, let's breakup for good." u jolly well know i want u back, and i've no idea how long i'd be stuck here waiting for u to return. i dont understand how u could be so cruel and selfish to decide for yourself, leaving me in the lurch. i dont know how long u will take to get accustomed to your life now, till u finally decide to kick me out of your life, i only know it sucks to be in my position, waiting for an answer while u happily get on with your life, have fun with your colleagues, spend time with your friends. u took all those away from me when u left, and i have to suffer while u move on with life.

i know i'd be stuck here for awhile. waiting. just waiting and hoping for a positive answer. i dont know how long. maybe a day, a week, a month. after that, i'd come to realize that my world has to turn even without u. then i'd move on, probably finding other pillars of support. u may or may not even give me an answer. u may not even tell me why we separate in the end. i am finding it hard to live without an answer. did i do u wrong? or was i just not the girl u were looking for? pls tell me. i need to know. then again, u may not tell me anything, and just leave without a word. like my king hamster disappeared into thin air in a day. i dont have any control over anything now, so my blog is my only form of expression.

not knowing if u'd even read this, i typed so much. cos other than your mom and u, i dont know who to speak to. i dont want any bad impressions of u in my friends' minds, dont ask me why. even if we had to break up, i would very much have preferred staying friends. now i cant, cos u're not willing to speak to me or see me at all. its sad, that we have to come to this. maybe it was all my fault, and i cant match up to u. or perhaps i was never important in your life. i can only make wild guesses, cos u arent telling me anything. all this guessing and finding answers is totally driving me insane. now u know why i cant study at all.

i've this feeling that u're so much happier without me. u find no need to contact me or to even find out how im doing. i feel like i've been ur burden all this while. and u're so willing to let me go. u cant wait to get rid of me. this is a first. first time i feel chucked away like im rubbish. first time im abandoned by someone i truly love. that's why its so tough. so tough for me to take.

im crumbling. i think and i cry. my mind hurts, my heart aches, and i cant find any answers. u dont care about me anymore. u dont love me anymore. u dont want me anymore. u'll never understand how it feels to be me now. alone. putting up a strong front for my parents and friends. crying alone at night. to u im just a burden, a chore, a hassle. a girl who pesters u even after u told her to get lost. im losing control of myself. if i find the courage, i'd walk out into the streets to get run over by a car. somehow that pain seems less than what im facing now. i cant take this much longer, i'd go insane. let's just see how long i can hang in here.

i'll wait. wait till i cant wait any longer. and then that will be the end. really, the end.

hope u'll be truly happy, with or without me, in your life, or in your world.

love,
your black hamster