every day is a pain to go through. i wish it could be easier.

dan said, "i thot u guys look like the sort that would never break up." well dan, i thought so too.

it only hurt even more to hear mom say that she doesn't dislike zk at all. but for daddy, it'd take time for him to accept. today he can leave me for his career and friends, in future, what would he leave me for? i hurt myself. and i hurt mommy as well. she couldnt understand why zk would leave me after being tgt for so long. she really let us be cos she thought he made me happy. after hearing everything, she thinks there is someone else, just like everyone else. im sorry mommy. i couldnt fight and keep someone i love. and im in this state now, making u feel worried and all. but i cant pick myself up. not yet.

everybody's telling me that he is interested in someone else. but i choose to believe him when he says that he is not. i'll only believe them when i see someone else in his arms.

my birthday wish has never been simpler. im sure zk knows what my wish is. he just cant fulfill it. not now, maybe never ever.



sometimes he infuriates me so bad my head starts throbbing and my vision starts blurring. i swear im trying very hard to control my temper, but the way he treats me just...... totally throws me off my balance. he makes me feel like im unimportant, worthless really, in his eyes. then his actions just speak for themselves. how am i supposed to react? i shd be accepting him and his current lifestyle. i take deep breaths and tell myself that this is it. this is what i fought so hard for. so i better hang in there. i dont know if im trying too hard and im blinded by my love for him. so much so that im condoning all his flaws. i really dont know. perhaps im holding on to a love that is no longer there even. but i try. i still try. dont ask why. i just love him too much. im stupid, yes i am. friends, whether his or mine, all told me the same thing. i have too much faith in him, that's what they say. a leopard never changes its spots, that's what they warn me. but i still fight for him, despite the way he treats me nowadays. i want to believe that he is still him. and my stubborn character wants to prove that he still loves me, somewhere deep down, that he still has feelings for me.

this song probably says what i fear. sighs. i only have that much positivity. it'll wear out. but im forcing myself to hang in there. i dont believe he is essentially like that.





this post is entirely for the eyes of him only. i cant find any other way to 'talk' to him. and i dont know if he'd even read this blog anymore. but if he does, this is what i want to say.

deardear,

u were the first guy i felt sure about. my biggest pillar of support. my parents didnt accept u, and i was really upset about it. i often told u of my doubts about u, cos i really wanted to see u being my partner for a long long time to come. i really did hope for that to happen. that was why i found the courage to bring u to my grandparent's place. it was a first. to u it might not mean anything, but to me, i had to be certain of the guy im bringing to see my extended family. now, i feel like i should not have introduced u to them in the first place.

u gave me many promises in those 2 years. of course, u didn't keep to all of them. for some reason, i did believe that we would get married when we got older. hopes, dreams, promises. i thought we would go on being happy together. get married, live together (with lex of cos!), and see each other's face every morning. i really thought so. maybe im still young, and i dream too much. fairytales don't exist. u took all that away in a day.

i talked to ur mom. she's worried for u. nobody knows why u're acting like that lately, and u refuse to say a word. perhaps your friends and colleagues would understand u better. but i think it'd be good to tell your mom what's happening so she wont worry. maybe u have many other things to handle, and u just gotta give up smth. why u chose to give up the r/s, i cant fathom. i didnt think that amongst your friends, family, work, colleagues and me, i'd be the one thing u choose to discard from the list. that in itself is really hard to stomach. as much as i can try to understand ur stress, i cant help but hate u for putting me thru this before my exam, and before my birthday. u really have no idea just how hurt i am by your words and actions. u dont wish to see me cos u dont want to see me cry. does that help? maybe for u it does. maybe u can let go much more easily then. i hope u understand, that i am at home alone, trying to study, and my mind has alot more time to wander. u have to work, face people, and i know its not easy for u to hide your feelings either. but at least, u have less time to focus on this.

your supposed 'time off' is just your way of telling me u need time to get used to being without me. once u're comfortable with that, u'd tell me "ok, let's breakup for good." u jolly well know i want u back, and i've no idea how long i'd be stuck here waiting for u to return. i dont understand how u could be so cruel and selfish to decide for yourself, leaving me in the lurch. i dont know how long u will take to get accustomed to your life now, till u finally decide to kick me out of your life, i only know it sucks to be in my position, waiting for an answer while u happily get on with your life, have fun with your colleagues, spend time with your friends. u took all those away from me when u left, and i have to suffer while u move on with life.

i know i'd be stuck here for awhile. waiting. just waiting and hoping for a positive answer. i dont know how long. maybe a day, a week, a month. after that, i'd come to realize that my world has to turn even without u. then i'd move on, probably finding other pillars of support. u may or may not even give me an answer. u may not even tell me why we separate in the end. i am finding it hard to live without an answer. did i do u wrong? or was i just not the girl u were looking for? pls tell me. i need to know. then again, u may not tell me anything, and just leave without a word. like my king hamster disappeared into thin air in a day. i dont have any control over anything now, so my blog is my only form of expression.

not knowing if u'd even read this, i typed so much. cos other than your mom and u, i dont know who to speak to. i dont want any bad impressions of u in my friends' minds, dont ask me why. even if we had to break up, i would very much have preferred staying friends. now i cant, cos u're not willing to speak to me or see me at all. its sad, that we have to come to this. maybe it was all my fault, and i cant match up to u. or perhaps i was never important in your life. i can only make wild guesses, cos u arent telling me anything. all this guessing and finding answers is totally driving me insane. now u know why i cant study at all.

i've this feeling that u're so much happier without me. u find no need to contact me or to even find out how im doing. i feel like i've been ur burden all this while. and u're so willing to let me go. u cant wait to get rid of me. this is a first. first time i feel chucked away like im rubbish. first time im abandoned by someone i truly love. that's why its so tough. so tough for me to take.

im crumbling. i think and i cry. my mind hurts, my heart aches, and i cant find any answers. u dont care about me anymore. u dont love me anymore. u dont want me anymore. u'll never understand how it feels to be me now. alone. putting up a strong front for my parents and friends. crying alone at night. to u im just a burden, a chore, a hassle. a girl who pesters u even after u told her to get lost. im losing control of myself. if i find the courage, i'd walk out into the streets to get run over by a car. somehow that pain seems less than what im facing now. i cant take this much longer, i'd go insane. let's just see how long i can hang in here.

i'll wait. wait till i cant wait any longer. and then that will be the end. really, the end.

hope u'll be truly happy, with or without me, in your life, or in your world.

love,
your black hamster



i kept dozing off and waking up the entire night. and everytime i woke, there was just one question in my mind. why did things change overnight? was it me? what did i do?

those dreams i keep having only makes it harder for me to let go. its like im self tormenting. my mind is working 24/7, but not on my exams. im so certain i'd screw this up, no matter how much i hate it, i know i will. sighs. im just that useless.



i trusted him. i tried my best to. but seems like i should not have. i loved him. i really did. maybe i should not have. i am worrysome. sometimes one may say i get paranoid. but i dont worry for no reason. i base my justifications on evidence. then again, one may say im biased. perhaps. i mean, there must be smth wrong with me for both guys i really loved in my life to lie to me constantly rite? maybe its just me. i attract the wrong guys. or smth. like i told lzk, i only want someone faithful, honest, and someone who loves me. isit that hard for ppl to stay faithful and honest? well, every guy i've been with says that he loves me. nobody can measure that, so i can only base that on feelings. faithfulness and honesty. isit really that tough? im setting standards too high? haa. oh well. so be it. i can never see a future with someone unfaithful or dishonest. so let's just say, good riddance. may i find someone better. not in the near future though. im not prepared. i've lost even more faith and trust in men in general. why huh? why do they just like to lie for convenience sake? so what if the truth hurts? he was the one that promised to tell me the truth even if its not pleasant. what's this shit now? all that crap about his ex gf was rubbish too. he took a picture with her (that's a fact), he smsed her (that's a fact), he emailed her (that's a fact), he was upset on my birthday cos it was her birthday as well and he blogged about it (that's a fact), and he always wants to know how she's getting on (though he has tried to hide it several several times). and he says "im not in contact with her at all!", and im supposed to trust him and believe him. lies lies and more lies. deceit. cheat. scam. big fat liar. he shd stop thinking that he can get away with lying to me or anyone about everything. just cos he wants to save the explanation, save the quarrels. those are not even reasons. those are excuses. he's just so fucking used to lying. so fucking used to me giving in to his stupid "reasons". so fucking used to me being naive. and when we quarrel, he's perfectly fine! he goes out with friends, plays mj, hangs out late, and his smses always read "do u know how much u're affecting me or not?" hahahaha. only NOW do i find that funny. how ironic. im making u miserable and u're in a pitiful, sad state. but u're enjoying yourself with friends anyways. that's just so fake la. oh please.

im done. done with all this fake niceties, done with this guy in my life. of course i'd be crying and wallowing in self pity a little. but i'll get back up in due time. i hate liars. really do. im still figuring out how to get my stuff back from his place. haha. his mom shouldnt hate me. i might be able to get her to open door. or at most ask his sis to bring the things out and i'll meet her in town. him aside, i love his family, his friends, and everything else. i love him, of course i do. i've been with him for 2yrs odd. but there's just some things of him that wont change. we never really suited each other. but our paths crossed. thank God for that. i learnt something.



day in day out, his sms read the same words.

'u in sch alr?' in the morning. 'im turning in alr. goodnight. hugs.' in the night.

he's supposed to be the closest, ironically, the words shared between us are the least.

its just a matter of time before i decide to be alone. it doesn't make a difference anyway.

life's been mundanely upsetting.

lex's temperaments hurt me more than they should.

im crying more than i ever would.

tired.

i quit.

i really quit.



the longer you are with someone, the more you know about him/her, the more you remember, and the harder it is for you guys to stay together...

i dunno if that's the case for everyone, but it certainly seems the case for me. i remember too much. too many things that cloud my mind whenever something triggers off that entire string of bad memories. does ANYONE even understand how i feel or think? or am i being paranoid, unusual and unreasonable?

lzk always has his reasons for this and that. for the blog entry, he said it wasn't him. (and the post disappeared instantly.) for the photo, he said it was coincidental. for the emails, he said he had no idea how it was the case. then he says she has a bf alr. then he says they are no longer in contact. then now he says she's les. for this, for that, for the other, he always had reasons/excuses or whatever u may call them. after the photo incident, all the explanations just sound like bullshit. who can blame me for not trusting him? it seems like lying is always a convenient option to him. and he shrugs everything off with 'i dont know'. so can i. i dont know how to bear with him any longer. but then again, i dont know how to leave him.

i feel like crap. seriously. i am so unhappy in this relationship i cant breathe. like i said, i know too much, i remember too much. memories cant be erased like data can be deleted on the comp. and trust, once lost, its almost impossible to regain it.

lzk likes to ask "so what can i do now?" the answer is really "nothing". not that im pissed and i cant be bothered to answer. truly, honestly, some things just cant be replaced. some things just do not go back to the way they were. cos its impossible. you may turn the hands of the clock backwards, but nothing changes.

this feeling sucks. that's why i want to get out of it. i dont want to have anything more to do with him. but my heart refuses to listen. it refuses to stop beating for him. so what can i do now? i dont know.

im so tired. im so hurt. im so tired. im so hurt. im so tired. im so hurt. i want out. i want out. i want out. i want out. i want out....