oh yes. what that loooooooooooong post made me realize? i have forgotten so many lil things i once shared w zk. =) feels good to reminisce bout good ol' times. haa. im glad i have a blog i can track my own history. i've lost the ability to talk to others bout my probs, but i still have my blog. im surprised, that till now, noone knows what's going on between zk n i.



insomnia?

zk doesnt like me to wash our dirty laundry in the open. he says that's leaving him 'no way out'. so i guess its okay to talk about it here. mixed feelings as the days get closer to our last weekend tgt. its like, both of us know that's the end point. the only difference is how we get there. its hard to even think of it. lets just say its as good as taking away my heartbeat. something im used to living with, almost indispensable of, and basically my essence of life at this point in time. i know we're heading nowhere, and he's looking for someone so different from me. he cant promise me a future (in terms of stability and all), but i cant promise him a future either (i dun love him and see a future w him). things about nic pisses him off and we quarrel. things bout random girls pisses me off and we quarrel. things about US were constantly contested and we hardly came to a peaceful consensus. honestly, its fucking tiring. nobody said its easy maintaining a r/s. i know. but im just not ready to take all this, while coping w my studies, while coping w a persistent pursuer, while coping w the lack of communication with my so called partner. its exhausting to quarrel. im avoiding the problem, yes i am. cos i've given up trying to communicate. im not void of feelings and emotions. i understand the pain, maybe not HIS pain, cos i do know i dun love him as much as he loves me. but then again, who's to prove that? my lack of actions doesnt mean that i dun love him. i hate sy for changing me into the ME i am now. so much calmer, so much more rational than emotional. i dun blame zk for shouting at me when i do not understand him, cos i really dun FEEL much nowadays. gullible and naive used to be the words most commonly associated with me. i dun think i hear that much of them now. i think, or at least i try to think. perhaps, i think too much. its nice being w zk. its been a nice mix. he's capable of taking care of me, acting 'man', and at times he totally becomes the poor damsel in distress. haa. he nv fails to crack me up, nv fails to put up w my tempers, nv fails to bring me to my senses. i do know that he's a guy too good to be missed. he has his flaws, but who doesnt? it doesnt matter if han thinks he's a nice guy, or hui thinks he wont be a eligible husband. deep in my heart, i know he's a great guy, and that's all that matters. how good a guy is still does not equate to how great a bf he is. two taureans really dun make a good match huh? we're way too stubborn for our own good. if there's one thing i learnt from this r/s, its that im not cut out to be anybody's gf. im too selfish.

"i find myself falling in love w him. even though he's so not 'eligible' in my terms. but i shd stop imposing criteria n start looking at his gd points. i find myself like a lil girl all over again. naively liking someone i shdnt. gosh. i feel so super kiddo. but i know my heart has made its decision. i just refuse to make any move cos my mind tells me its not exactly right yet. but im happy where we are." - 10 March 2006

"though i only met dear for half an hr ydae, it felt v good to see him again. its just an mrt ride from pasir ris to city hall, but the company made it all worthwhile. =)" - 19 April 2006

"seems like my heart's still elsewhere. feels like both zk n me are seeking comfort n solace in each other due to our past r/s." - 25 April 2006

"all the other guys, whoever they are or whatever they do, no longer matter to me. cos i know i've found zk, the one guy i wanna work things out w. that's more than enough. i love this baby. i love lim zhikai just the way he is." - 27 April 2006

"for some weird reason, i reached home n i cried. kinda felt that dear wasnt v much himself ydae." - 1 May 2006

"he's officially 22. omg that sounds old cos its past 21. but he doesnt look or act his age most of the time. of cos he's capable of matured thinking n all, its whether or not he wants to. whatever it is, he'd always be in my prayers. n may all his dreams come true. he's ord-ing this yr, n i give him my blessings for his future endeavours! i have confidence in him... =)" - 5 May 2006

"now i feel so fucking dumb. cos i've been used as a substitute all along. perhaps not even a substitute. i hate it. why was i right when i said he was weird on first may? n why din he bother to admit it? seriously, im no freakin replacement. i was once afraid i took him as a buoy, just someone i relied on in my dark times. but NO. i actually had feelings for him. n now i just feel stupid. i feel dumb. fucking dumb. was i just blinded or what? how can i be so freaking clueless all these while? im just plain stupid. forget it. im calling it quits." - 6 May 2006

"abandoned zouk plans w the guys. i din want zk to worry for me all the way in tekong. anw, he's not a criminal anymore. its just sol for 10 days. SOL = stoppage of leave. which basically means stay in camp for 10 days. just thot i shdnt make him worry for me when he isnt even arnd to keep an eye on me shd anything happen. i miss him." - 17 May 2006

"sometimes its when u miss someone terribly, u realise u just end up loving him a lil more.." - 25 May 2006

"zk n his pals are funny ppl. ryan's no longer my shuai n 'man' fella, chee mun isnt as fierce as he looks, belle n qing yun are nice jovial ppl. every other time i meet his frens i feel slightly more comfy." - 9 July 2006

"hmm.. the first night there wasnt too good. cos of some misunderstandings n stuff, got upset n v disappointed. it hurt when he said whatever he said. uncontrollably a tear just trickled down. just feels horrid when someone u care for so much isnt bothered bout u anymore. its been a long time since i missed someone terribly. i thought i forgot that feeling alr. just gotta learn to deal with it. once sch starts, it simply means less time w him. :(" - 28 July 2006

"that's my baby "Lex"~~!

he's sucha adorable darling i cant help but love him. he doesnt make much noise, n he isnt afraid of strangers. n he loves being cuddled by me. hee.. of cos. im his mommy alright? n of cos linzhikai claims to be his daddy. he even requested to speak to Lex thru my hp loudspeaker, telling Lex tt my papa mama are his grandparents. tt's the retarded zk for ya." - 7 August 2006

"today marks the end of freedom. no more kisses to wake me up. sulks. i'll miss him. i'll miss late night mahjong. its time to be good. n amazingly, after 2 whole weeks, i aint sick of him. maybe... not yet." - 27 August 2006

"caught lucky no slevin. great show. josh harnett is SO FREAKIN CUTE. n the storyline was good. havent caught a good movie for quite some time. cos all those i catch w zk is just, plain disappointing. not even passable. n my darling showed his parapara skills in dhoby ghaut stn arcade." - 12 Sept 2006

my internet refuses to show me more of my archives. hinting for me to go to bed perhaps. nobody reads this blog, maybe, just maybe, him? then to that one guy reading, Goodnight.



i dunno what's wrong with the communication between hui n zk, but all i do know is that they totally misunderstood each other. if i say anymore it'd just sound like im shielding either party, so yea, i can only shut up.

bloody pissed w all the excel crap yday. fucked up man. comp down, dad refuses to get lappie back or let me stay at haze's place, mom makes noise, and i just get more irritated and agitated. then my grey matter doesnt work when im angry/upset. so i take extra long to complete my blooooooody excel stuff. girltalk w hazei as usual. guess i found out quite abit. she's been thru quite alot i must say. met her fair share of players and assholes and nice guys. been thru shit in the family. only child taking all that. maybe that's why we strike a common understanding. had to walk home at like freakin 4am, thank god i had zk on the line w me. =)