an old song rings in my head:

Everytime I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves
Like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think your what you seem
I do admit to myself that if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
Say the words that I can't say

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
Say the words that I can't say

---------------------------------

i used to hold all the aspirations and hopes for love till he broke my beauty dream. never did i feel that im pretty, sought after or even attractive in any means of measure. moments of pseudo-happiness with flings never lasted, for i knew i couldnt be tied down. partially because i didnt believe i could tie down any guy, cos i lacked that tad of self confidence. i was never comparable to others. charisma? looks? character? none. this guy came along, built me up, but let me down. but i know he holds that special place in my heart.

he took many things away from me. stripped me of my confidence, robbed me of my hopes. now i see a Replay going on in Chris' life, and im getting all emotional, getting disoriented. i dont want him to end up like me. i dont want him to fight so hard, to end up with nothing. but i soon realized that he has to go through all that fighting to learn. at the end of it, he'll learn. no point having me tell him what's right, what's wrong, who's at fault.

infidelity is sucha common sin nowadays, it might no longer be considered a sin.















love's an abstract i cant understand. i no longer hope, i dun believe promises, i dun trust people. that makes me feel so much safer. i cry for what's lost, what's gone. i yearn for what's missed, what i cant obtain. some things will NEVER be. some things are MEANT to be. i wonder how long this will last.





i kinda miss him. for what, i dunno. but probably cos im missing out on activities, im getting bored, i just need some kinda company. and he's just constantly there to ask if im doing fine, he's just so concerned. now i know how it feels like to give up a friend for my r/s. i wish things started off and ended on a different note.



i was upset, cos zk slept thru the whole day and we did nothing. felt that i could have done more in a day without dad in sg. could have met gfs, gone for coffee or smth. not that i dislike his company. i understand that he's shagged. but i also believe that its cos his body clock has been screwed up by his job and new hobby.

i am upset. cos zk screwed himself and me up by throwing ash in my mom's basin without clearing. now mom wants to force me to give this up. i cant save him, i cant save myself.

i really feel that im on the verge of giving up (again). so many things going on, and i dunno if its even worth it. he really doesnt make me feel like its worth it to put up a fight for this r/s.



"didnt he say he was going to quit? forget it la. he wont."
"u're sick and u're doing everything (for mj). he's just sitting there?"
"he can flirt with other girls in front of u?"
"he's quite a spendthrift huh?"

i cant even answer mommy without feeling guilty myself. guilty that my bf is indeed just like that. i cant even find reasons to cover up for him. i dont know what more to say. sometimes its not that im not helping him. i didnt tell my mom he's jobless. i didnt dare tell mom or his mom that i spent my money on those blades and his watch and what's not. i didnt tell mom all my heartaches, just cos i want her to have a good impression of him. but just from the few times she has met him, all my efforts go down the drain.

"from what u say last time, of the type of guys u want to find, i have no idea why u found him."

told him about tmr's supper since last week. confirmed w dil and na way beforehand. only to realize today that he's working tmr. talked to han that morning about him. how he spends without thinking (when he has money), only to run into deficit amount and loan from friends or me. he has no money concept in that sense. he bets on soccer like he's still earning full time pay. jolly well knowing that we lost more than 1k in worldcup season. he doesnt think he'll ever run out of money, as he has me, his friends to loan from, and his parents. he doesnt plan for his future. banking, yes. but the bank's so huge, what banking? he says he'd do this, he'd change, he'd remove that, he'd improve. but none of the above is achieved. in fact, has he even changed for the better over the year plus i've been with him? i really doubt so.

yes he's nice, he loves me. i cant help but ask myself, "so? so what? is that going to cover up all his shortcomings?" its either he's been this way all these while, and i have been accepting it, or he's became like that, and i cant accept it. im not gonna believe in any of his promises, and up till now i've learnt one thing. i cant trust him.