this is a rare picture i must post. the last time we took a family picture like that, was when i was 5. do u see the strands of white hair on gong gong? do u see that smile on popo's face? i miss them so much. so so so much. they are family. =)




im really tired of all these. all i need is a breather. to step out of this mess to take a breath of fresh air. im sick of crying cos it does no good. just gives me puffy eyes, lacklustre face and lousy appetite. i cant sleep cos im too busy crying. i cant wake cos i cant sleep well.

shu asked me how i was doing. told her i was doing fine, busy w this and that, blah blah blah. but then, that wasnt what she was asking. she was implying if i was happy with life, if i was contented, blissful, like i used to be. i couldnt answer her. cos i act like im happy every single day, but i know my soul's empty. maybe not empty, but something's missing. i used to think sy filled that chip in my life. i still have no idea if he did, but for the times i were w him, it was really heartfelt bliss. many others give me short term happiness (as i coin it), cos they provide me things to be happy about, they do things to change my day. nic's one of those. one of those guys who brighten my day once in a while. i know im happy being arnd him, but i also know that kind of happiness doesnt last. u enjoy, have fun, laugh your hearts out, and at the end of the day, that's it. it doesnt touch u deep down, that's when i know this guy isnt the one for me. the first year w sy is probably the most blissful, times w ray the most fun, the few months w nic felt like this huge surge of emotions, this euphoria of love. but as of now, i appreciate the things zk does for me, not the most happening or whatsoever, but i enjoy being with him. its the simple things he does that touches me deep down, once in a while. feels like we can just go on like that for a very long time.

but every r/s has a lifespan. everything about him and his ex, everything about me and nic. the lack of support from me in what he does, the insensitivity of his character. i've got to a point whereby i dont believe whatever he says. i'll just 'hear' what he says, i dont 'listen'. i dont process the meaning, the message doesnt get transmitted along those brainwaves, i dont react, i dont respond. feels like i have accumulated everything he's told me through the relationship and deleted it from memory. numb. i dont know how this can happen, or why its happening even.





your actions and words just leave me speechless.

for a simple fact, i find no reason to believe you and what you say. i wish i nv appeared in your life, then perhaps, things would be less complicated. maybe my intrusion was a mistake.

we might just have wasted the past year odd, on nothing.

zk, im giving u all the options to leave this r/s. cos if u arent, i think i am.