3 papers down. 2 more to go!

nic's studying his i-dunno-wad n here i am slacking away and blogging. boooo! think im gonna fall asleep soon. i've been sleeping and studying for the past few days i cant figure out which day and what time it is. zk pissed me off on sunday and bought tau huay to compensate. it was really unexpected for a guy like HIM to do smth like that. the point is, i had tau huay!

just as i was asking zk the other day, isit me being too sensitive/anal, dats y i see so many ugly characters recently? or isit true that these people are overboard? i really regret telling him abt the person, cos his attitude towards her has changed. that is precisely what i do not want. sighs. i cant take my words back, and i guess i can only see how things go from here.

on a side note, i really want to go tioman. i need a break. i need a tan. i need fresh air.

ugly natures of human was never as apparent as it is now. it isnt easy to stay honest in a society like that. everyone just ends up hurting everyone else.



i succumbed to him again. its just another chance im giving myself and him. to work things out, to let this r/s reach its full potential, whatever it may be. i dont know how it is to him, but i think the two of us can do so much more tgt, and we can go much further than this.

i couldnt stand it working yday. there was the incident abt mgq that left me so pissed. then i had to see things i wish i didnt see. the scariest thing is that people can be SO two faced. i really mean one face to me, turn around and i see another. just in a snap of the fingers, its as though i never knew this person. fine, i've seen the true colors. what's exasperating and painful is that my own boyfriend is being treated like a fool throughout the whole situation. there's no point confronting the person, let's just name him/her A. i've seen not once, not twice, but let's just say enough incidents to justify why im thinking the way i think right now. i guess enough is enough, and i know what sorta distance to maintain from A. couldnt resist myself this afternoon after i left dear, and it was like my fingers werent listening to my mind, and they just sent a message to warn him. its so unfair to him, and its so terrible being in my position. i dont want to ruin anything, i just hope for him to realize it himself, to know what's right what's wrong, who's to trust and who not to. it isnt that im unwilling to share my views with him. its that im in a position he cant truly understand either. i've done what i could, i tried.. the rest is really up to him. sighs.

one thing i really like about nic is his frankness. he admits that he's interested in me. he knows that i love zk. when im upset, he doesnt use the situation to his advantage and try to get close. he analyzes the situation and tells me what's best for me, making me think, what or who i really want so that i'll be happy. i really thank him for that. he may have questioned me about the r/s b4, about zk, but its really just to make me think, its for my own good. i realized he's one person who doesnt incorporate personal bias into our friendship. i like straightforward people. they tell u everything straight from within, sometimes neglecting your feelings, but at least its the truth.



im tired. why cant he just let me be? let me be alone.

i don't know where we stand, that's why i choose to be friends. no obligations, no commitment, no stress.

but still, i owe him alot. for showing me the world, the world with him in my life. never will i be able to repay him for that.



my relationship w zk isnt doing fine. its got to a point where talking to him is a necessity, in harsher terms, a chore. we cant talk to each other. and he may be right about me seeing more and more of his shortcomings. am i being too demanding or is he too insensitive to what i need? perhaps what he gives isnt what i want, similarly, what i give isnt what he wants. if that's the case, then what's the point of the whole relationship?

i keep feeling so gek when he doesnt understand what im saying. its like we're speaking two different tongues altogether. it gets exasperating, then discouraging, then time and again, i'd just tell him we shd forget it. yes, i do not believe in compatibility, but i do believe that communication is crucial to any relationship. if we cant even talk and understand each other, what do u want me to say? indeed, he has all the rights to be unhappy about me meeting other guys. i wonder if he really considered what was best for my interests at that point in time. going to brianna's place, do work with the radio and their mahjong noises in the background, or meet sy to study and do work tgt. i chose the former, and i regretted. came home at 230am and had so much to answer to my parents today. fuck. i shd have loitered outside instead. but i needed my laptop. fuck. so i faced the interrogation of my parents today. made dad dissatisfied and suspicious. everything is just so screwed up. i keep making wrong choices, don't i? there was sy, there was jc education, there was the choice of going to brianna's place yday. by keeping all this from dad, by insisting so adamantly to be w zk, am i making the right choice?

im feeling demoralized cos i have to do mkting presentation alone tmr, my interview assignment really sucks and i'd be damn lucky to PASS it, and mommy is fucking screaming at me from the living room about some darn retarded issues. i know what i need now. i need a fucking good CRY. im sick of all this. i need someone, something to make me happy. for once, nothing works. not even happy food. not even lex. the feeling of nothingness digs me from within, and i just feel like puking.



i cant freakin concentrate in brianna's place, cos of the loud and irritating music as well as their volume at mj. so i decided to come home. at 230am.

my original plan was to come home after phantom to do work. but i have no idea why i was so dumb to get convinced by zk to go to brianna's place, and just fucking go there to do that little bit of work and feed mosquitoes. FUCK the mosquitoes. fine, it was my own dumb idea to give in to zk. now i face the consequences. u jolly well deserve it for your stupid decision, mad.

now im sitting in my own room, peaceful and quiet, in the comfort of aircon. facing my own laptop and doing much better with my essay. screw it. i wasted so much time.



im not supportive of zk's decision this time round. and i apologised for it. cos i know it isnt nice to come to an argument about the job every single time it is brought up. i got reminded of how i used to quarrel w sy over his job, and how it really soured our r/s cos we couldnt see eye to eye about ONE particular issue. i know im stubborn. and if i dont agree, i'll not act as if i comply and say 'ohh fine, i think you make sense too' or smth along that line. i dont believe in saying things that are untrue to make the other person feel better. i know that is a problem that lies with me, and i've yet to rectify it. but i just dont want zk n me to fall into the same situation as i did w sy in the past.

so many ppl at work yday pissed me off. or rather, i really couldnt agree with the way they worked. and i really pity part timers who get bullied and dont dare to speak up. perhaps im just too cocky. that's why i shoot my mouth off even though they are my superiors. its just a part time job, and im just stating how i feel. if i get booted cos of this, i wont die of hunger in the streets. that's my horrible attitude, which reasons for my directness to most superiors. im frank to everyone, and i justify what i say, and cos of that, i think i have my reasons for saying what i say, and i dont feel the least bit of guilt or feel that im disrespecting them. but seriously, at times, they are so so so screwed up i can only shout FUCK. which was exactly what happened yday.

had to come home cos of some stuffs, and spent the day w daddy n mommy. it felt so nice shopping w mommy, just bringing her arnd, telling her what stuffs are coming into fashion etc. bought a dress from dorothy perkins, and mommy got cropped jeans. its been so long since i went to parkway parade w daddy mommy, and the whole building is so different from the one i went to when i was a kid. same for marina square. those places i frequented have all changed. even places i went to a few years back, have been torn down or replaced with new buildings. everyone loses bits and pieces of their memories along with the tearing down of these places, cos without the physical structure there to remind u it once existed, ppl tend to forget. ironically, without the physical presence of some other stuffs, eg people, ppl tend NOT to forget instead. how absurd.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

im not as happy as before. can somebody tell me why?



i realized how put off i was by certain friends of mine recently. i feel bad to say this, but im starting to think that human beings are essentially selfish. especially when faced w a situation of personal gains VS collective gains, i have learnt that many would choose personal gains. im not a saint myself, probably when im put into a similar situation, i'd have done the same. but what im saying is that im disappointed w some friends of mine. it just didnt occur to me how pissed off i'd get when i tried ways and means to help them, only to realize that its all for nothing. u put in that much effort, when it wasnt even an obligation. and then u realize it wasnt even necessary, cos that person isnt interested at all. u know how that feels? fucked up.



what would it take to re-ignite that spark? what would it take to rebuild that lost confidence?

honestly, truthfully, i don't know. and i guess, its impossible.