i need to re-evaluate certain ppl, certain things in my life.
that might give me a grip on what's happening now.

had a tiff w deardear yday. again. sighs. i dunno how to let him understand that i talk to my frens about my probs. not that he isnt impt, but cos i feel that the problem lies with me. so if i can talk to some frens n come to my senses, i would be saving a quarrel w him. if im reasonably upset, i'd talk to him about it. however, he doesnt see it that way.

hannah made it to first runner up of fhm gnd. sweets.

im actually starting to think that dear is so insensitive bout some things, and oversensitive bout others. always happens doesnt it? but he doesnt know me well. in fact, i do wonder how much he understands me. talked to gen abt her n leonard, and then kinda drifted into the topic of soulmates for awhile. i once had a soulmate, sy. and truly, he is my soulmate cos he really understands me. he knows how i feel and think. he can empathize and he cares bout me. but that was before. yes, i've changed, but i guess im essentially me, so to a certain extent, sy kinda hits spot on sometimes. if i complain to him bout a certain issue, he can go "so now u're pissed and contemplating if u should give up right?". its like he knows my train of thoughts. and even if i try damn hard to conceal my emotions, he can tell. seems like the contrary for zk. even if i dont conceal, he'd be the last to notice... kinda disappointing at times. ok, to be fair, i dont know much bout him either. trust issues, character discrepancies. all those still affect us time to time. whether its about him n his ex, me n sy, we never come to an understanding about it. i dont know how long its gonna go on.

one thing i know, i do love limzhikai. i love him much more than any other i've ever loved. i don't care if he's flawed, i don't care if he makes me upset. cos i've put him in worse situations. i get pissed with myself when i upset him. the only reason being that i love him. unknowingly, he has become a huge part of me... and i cant afford to lose him. i hate to feel so weak and dependant on someone else, but im afraid i have fallen into the same trap again.




it was a whole mess today. evy didnt get the job, then we went for training last min, then met shuying, and in the end evy got the job. rahhhs. just a whole mess.

nic is starting to make me worry. he says i care too little, or rather im totally heck care. i think im just leaving things to fate. honestly, seriously, if zk does have a change of heart, or if he does have anything to do w his ex, its not like i can control it. even if i kick up a fuss, it wont matter. perhaps he is hiding stuffs from me, maybe things arent the least bit simple between him and his ex. but whatever it is, its not my choice. logical rite? if i were to worry about all that, go crazy thinking about it, its a total waste of time man. leave it to fate la. if tt's gonna be the way things turn out, im sure the one up there will send me a signal. haa..

evy seems to be having some probs w jos too. she just has to make up her mind. i feel that she's falling for him alr.

phantom! I WANNA WATCH! i wanna watch ninja turtle. i wanna watch music and lyrics. i wanna watch many many movies.



Hinder - Lips of an Angel

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late


the lyrics seem to speak of me. sighs.



Lisa Loeb - I do

When I'm done with thinking, then I'm done with you
When I'm done with crying, then I'm done with you
When I feel so tired, then I'm done with you
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way.

And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.

You're trying to convince me that what I've done's not right
I get so frustrated, I stay up every night.
You ask me for an answer, and I'm so tired and I'm up in the air.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way

And I do.
You can't hear it but I do
You can't hear it, but I'm feeling this way just because you say

I will be ignored
I will be denied
I could be erased
I could be brushed aside
I will get scared, and I will get shoved down
but I feel like I do because you push me around.

And I do
You can't hear it but I do
You don't seem angry but I do
I do.



yday was really one of the happiest days of my life. simple it may be, but i was just v happy that i had dear's company throughout. time is really precious for him.. and im so glad he made it a pt to find time to spend w me. really really appreciate it. it was probably only after yday that i realised why he always gets SO agitated when i meet others and not him. i nv viewed his time as precious as he himself does. now i see the point. in a year, there probably wont be many chances for us to just relax like that. but i'll rmr yday. not because it is exceptionally special or extravagant, but cos it was simple, sweet and the company made up for the rest of it. i really really love deardear. for all his support and encouragements. he may drop insulting comments or not-so-pleasing remarks, but i know he will still love me anyway. it doesnt help that im of sucha low self esteem. sometimes his words really tend to hurt. and i do wonder if im that lousy. but at the end of the day, its comforting to know that he'll still love me even if im lousy. =)

a simple chronological list of what we did yday: made love, sleep, jap lunch at ecp, east coast park (he cycled while i bladed), his home, my home, tong shui cafe, zouk, his home, made love again.

k it sounds retarded. i just wanted to note it down somewhere. somewhere i can look back in future and rmr. i can happily go into details here, since nobody reads it anw. haa.. i actually made dear angry yday night. cos i drank at weixiang's place and knocked out without letting him know. he stayed up till 4+ waiting and waiting... sighs. my bad. came to his place as soon as i woke up. tucked into bed w him. hee.. i love sleeping in his arms. i feel like a lil girl resting in the security of someone else. anw, we woke up arnd 1+ to decide what to do. movies, night safari, ecp, zouk... all were kinda uncertain. it was ecp in the end, and we had really good jap food at this rest there. pampered ourselves a lil. then we went blading/cycling. OMG damn paiseh. i feel so horrible blading in front of him. cos i know every single person that first sees me blade will laugh his ass off. alr tested and proven by many many friends. sulks. but he kept telling me i was doing fine. even when i fell he said that it wasnt even considered a fall. well, it sounded reassuring to me. and really, i couldnt help smiling to myself. he did laugh, but i guess he was more worried bout me falling. he's the first who didnt put me down though i cant blade for god's sake. yes i can move, but i have absolutely no technique of blading. its been quite some time since i heard reassuring statements from anyone, much less him. fulfillment of self ego! decided to go bowling!! i havent bowled for a year plus?? honestly, i was thinking bowling w just the 2 of us might end up boring the hell out of us. it was just 2 of us and balls. but i was proven wrong. (thankfully) cos its never boring w him arnd! k la i may be making it sound too 'perfect' alr.. but there was not a pt in time where i was thinking of going home... with someone like me who has short attn span, its quite a feat. =) we had to leave to change n stuff, for zouk. it got kinda exasperating at a pt in time when i realised so much of the info i received or sent out was screwed up. but in awhile all that got rectified. so... we changed n headed down to zouk. in a long long long time i havent clubbed in shorts. and yday i was in polo n shorts n sneakers. SUPER lok kok. only deardear thot it looked nice. =( but i felt damn comfy in my clothes. for once im not afraid to zao geng, not afraid i'd get blisters from heels etc etc etc. music was a-okay, but i think its alr more fun than any previous times i clubbed w dear. stayed over at his place and i've no idea why in the middle of the night we woke up and ended up making love. really i have no idea! in his dreams he woke me up or smth. n dammit he doesnt know that i'll get f-ing excited woken up in the night. ok too much info. in the morning he woke me up, kissed my stinko mouth and told me he was gg to work. awww..... deardear, im alr missing u...

that shd be enough to record my day! haa.. unhappy stuffs, things that made me tear, im just gonna dump them down the chute. i shd know who is worthy of my tears, who isnt worthy of my love.

i just realised its 10th march. if im not wrong, its about a year since i've been together w chris lim zhi kai. he's a darling. i know i can live without him, but honestly, i dunno what i can do without him... i may not NEED him, but i very very very much WANT him. haa.. i love deardear. he has his flaws, but nobody's perfect. im not a v lovable person to start with, so why shd i be complaining bout him? he can love me for who i am, not pretty, not hot, not magnanimous, not good in bed, not compliant, not the least bit a good gf. im sure i can love him for who he is. (i just wish he could quit smoking, really) i must've been a good girl in my past life to exchange good karma for him. if i can, i wanna hog him and not pass him on to anyone else. hahaha.. love is selfish.



at weixiang's place. drinking my fav baileys and blogging and chatting w jos. politics and all that fuck in sch... sighs.

sy and his crap again. sighs. i admit i do have a soft spot for him. i guess i will always have a soft spot for him.

im halfway thru midsems! =) i cant multitask. cant talk to jos n blog at the same time. blahhs.



and just when i thought things were all going wrong, my blog has no picture. the original pic has been ripped off the internet. great. just great.



fuckFuckFUCKfuckfUckfuCkFucKfucKfUCkFUckfuCkfUckFUCkfuckfUCK
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
FUCKED UP



FHM girl next door 2007 is up again. yess i've friends in there again. unexpected frens. but this year's contenders seem lacklustre to previous years. wassup with little girls in bikinis acting sexy or raunchy huh?? dun see a babe in there that catches my eye...

i've officially graduated from pole1 after all that spinning. pole2 focuses on all that abs and arms and what's not. i swear i look more like a gancheong monkey than a sexy lady climbing that pole. sitting cross legged is no big deal. sitting crossed legged on the pole and falling backwards is a whole lot of deal. i wanna lose weight, build arm strength. for once i thank my fat thighs. they give me enough grip on the pole. haa.. i love boomerang. i think it looks damn nice. im so gonna train till i perfect it.

zk's getting on my nerves at times. and i know im getting on his. but im too tired to sort things out.

::i have found my exit. i've walked out with as much pride i could hold on to. i've done all i could. i've done what i should. no regrets. probably up till now he still doesnt get me. he never will then. sometimes things are too late to salvage. maybe im slow. i took too long to realise de root of de problem. if things were settled earlier would it be better? if there wasnt another in the picture would it be fine? we never know. n we never would know.::

we lie to ourselves cos the truth freakin hurts.

after so long, i just miss being pampered.

with different ppl..... its just different.