Saturday, 3/2/2007
spent the afternoon at zk's place playing mj. mood was inadvertently affected by zk. i cant conjure my feelings, but basically, unjust. why wassit that he could make a big fuss bout me contacting sy, n now all he says is 'ohh she's just seeing how im doing. nothing is going on.' i say, 'fuck you.' u said i didnt care for ur feelings when i contacted sy. so all this crap, u cared bout my feelings? u say u dun care bout her. im so damn bloody convinced that's utter rubbish la. honestly, im sick n tired from hearing all these from u. im shutting them out. u can save those explanations and 'i only love you's. i can see for myself what's true, what's real, what to believe. i really wish i could just say 'fuck it' n walk off without turning back. i wish i had that strength. that steel heart to turn my back on someone crying, letting him stare at my back as i leave. n not be the one sitting there crying when he leaves. im sorry for my attitude cos i thought i was childish. i thought i could have handled it better. better in the sense that i could walk off not feeling a thing. i've learnt thru hurt and pain that tears no longer sooth my heartache. so, no more crying maddie...

sunday, 4/2/2007
a day slacking n fighting at zk's place. met chris, ying, hua n harry for dinner at via mar. not bad! i've nv thot of going there, but since ying had a voucher to utilise, might as well. nice catching up. n we've decided to meet up on cny chu yi! heh. cos they're all gonna 'escape' from our grandparents' places. i use the word 'they' for i dun go visiting on cny chu yi. i kinda forgot how it was like to sit together with a big family eating tuan yuan fan. the last time i did that was... pri 4? mommy said she met xiao gu (my lil aunt) today. she's daddy's youngest sis. so yea, belongs to that part of the family i no longer keep in touch with. she told mommy how granny was missing me, hoping for me to go back for meals on sundays and public hols. popo's legs are giving her problems. its getting so bad she couldnt walk for qte some time. when mommy told me that i just started crying. even now as im typing this, i cant stop my tears. she's my popo for god's sake. what's keeping me from visiting her!?!? cold stares and sarcasms from other family members?? or gonggong?? every single time i recall meeting them at the clinic, i feel so guilty. how'd u feel if u walked past ur grandparents and u couldnt recognise them, they couldnt recognise you? u're related by blood, and yet u pass each other on the streets like strangers. sighs.. i really failed as a granddaughter. i really really miss them...
sy once gave me the courage to go back. he said he'd go back w me. he said whatever it is, he'd be there to face it with me. that promise, as usual, was never fulfilled. met nic to discuss mkting and he got shocked w a teary-eyed me. told him all about it, cried and cried, and he pacified me with some sweet from mamashop downstairs. said he'd bring me cny shopping to buy stuffs to bring up to my grandparents place, though he cant acc me there. don't u just love friends like these? whether he has a motive or not, i appreciate his thought. this year, im gonna go visit them. i may be alone, but i promise i'll be strong.