why would u puncture your body to remind you of a scar inside?

how fitting a description for my 2 earrings on my leftear.

i'll always have a soft spot for sy, no matter how i may deny any feelings for him. i'll be attracted to the same ppl, cos they exude that kinda vibe i admire.

deardear stayed over for almost the whole of last week, and i really looked forward to seeing him every night. i still feel v apologetic for making him feel out of place when i quarrelled w mom.. sorry. i loved the fact that i could see him everyday, and that would make my day. really. now i really miss him..

i've been getting weird msges from unknown numbers these days, and apparently these ppl know my name, know how i look etc. i guess it was zouk. i abhore the feeling of insecurity when the other party knows me, and i know nothing about who im msging!! its just a horrible feeling.

***********************************************
You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love love songu
Atarashii uta utaeru made



i cant recall when i last blogged, but this cny has been pretty good so far. other than the screwy cny eve, the rest of it has gone well. finally headed back to gonggong n popo's place after like... 10 yrs. pains me to see that they've grown so old, and i know its sad to have missed out on 10 yrs of each others' lives.. i just wish that every year from now on, i'll be there for them every cny. that little step i took forward, might have meant a huge thing not just to myself, but to them. im glad things turned out well, much better than i expected. that was chu er by the way...

chu yi was visiting zk's popo and a wong's place. his popo is really cute. and she must've been wondering who i was. its so nice seeing that he actually shares sucha good r/s w his granny.. cos i lost the chance to be close to my grandparents. u know the kinda smile popo gives when she sees her grandchildren? its priceless... the hugs i got from gonggong popo this year, its exceptional.... met up w chris harry ying n hua for hougang funfair. basically reliving our childhood days. ferris wheel, top gun, that-freaky-ride-i-dunno-de-name... just had our fill screaming our lungs out. hee.. but i guess the company made it all the more worthwhile. love them loads. hua drove, so we decided to head to tong shui cafe for some supper, and there was this lil drama at thomson road.

(hua turned into a No Entry road, and was trying to figure a way to do a 7-point turn out.)
mad: ehh darling there's a dustbin there..
hua: aiyah dustbin only, buang also nvm la!
mad: ohh okay lor...
(after some time... as hua's in the midst of her 7-point turn...)
chris: ehh where's the dustbin??
mad: there~ on the floor lo..
hua: WHAT!?! i knocked into the dustbin alr!? MADDDD! why u never tell meeeeeee?
mad: huhh?? i thot u said buang nvm wad....
(after she changed the dirn of her car, she decided to park cos there was space..)
hua: aiyah just park here la! got space!!
mad: of cos there's space.... u buang the dustbin and made space for your fat car....
hua: see~ no space? make space.

................. now i really wonder how my darling got her license.

chu san, overnight mj w ryan, dan, han and dear. chu si, zouk night out. supposed to be a ladies night out, but guys joined in. i really think i shdnt club w dear. he doesnt really enjoy himself n i feel that its a waste of his time. plus, its really awkward meeting frens in the club with him. i dun exactly want them to think he's just another fling. guess we both know quite a few ppl who frequent zouk... and i somehow dun like the idea. im still not a fan of mambo night. its just massive karaoke session. phuture music still works for me. imp was being an arse last night. he actually tried to carry me away. hahaha. den he realised i was holding on to someone's hand... i cant imagine zk's reaction to that man. nic, iz, hon were all down last night. even daren and andrew (some guys i dunno and havent met before) recognised me in that lousy lighting. lots of ny girls, hc girls, guys from everywhere, of cos, uni students. zouk crowd is getting lousier. im just glad the music's still not bad.

bogged down by all the assignments and projects. sighs. i really need to concentrate on my work n stop fooling arnd.



met up w imp, n he looks better than before! put on a lil weight no doubt, but i think he looks much better this way. haa. v sweet guy as usual, glad to know that he'll be settling w a job in sg. he was kinda surprised by my results, shocked probably. but he said i'll love PR, events etc.. which i think is really true! he actually rmred that he chatted me up cos i was the shortest in my group, and i wore shorts and flats to zouk. he was impressed that i was so confident of my height. apparently, in the dark i looked cute. WOW. when he saw my shirt aka dress he couldnt stop laughing. =( and he said i nv change.. i just wear whatever i like and feel comfy in, regardless of what others say. i still dunno if its a compliment. haa. shopped arnd a lil, picked cny clothes for him, den i sneaked off cos i wanted to go lingerie shopping! didnt see many nice ones though. i want more lingerie. nicer ones. boo..

you're everything
anataga omouyori tsuyoku
yasashiiuso nara iranai
hoshiinowa anata

you're all that i wished for. i'll always forgive you. my pain will always fade away. i want you more than you think.



my threshold for irritants is getting lower and lower by the day. its damn pissing to realise that plans fall apart at the last minute. for a note, zk could have bothered to tell me earlier. mom could have packed those junk left out there in the living room. rather than to scream at me when i attempt to pack it. and then throwing out all that i've packed into the store, to make place for what she thinks "should be in the store instead". stop making noise cos i TRIED to plan. dun come blaming me if you choose to do things your way and my plan fails. i don't see it as my fault, in any possible way.

then again, jos and nic kept me entertained the whole of last night i lost track of time. by the time i realised it was late, it was 5am. so i started panicking and asking them if i shd sleep. we came to a consensus that if i slept i wont wake in time for lessons, so i stayed up all the way. explains why it wasnt nic dozing off and lying on me in class. it was a 'two sided affair' today. haa.. his frens were damn amused cos it took alot of stunts to wake me up. boo.. im really tired out la. nic's such an arse. jos also looked shagged today.

left sch for ikea, nic and i took damn freakin long to get a cab. cos there were so many evil ppl snatching our cabs!!! walao. i was quite irritated cos we were there drenched in the rain. nic was totally drenched la! i can only thank his jacket for the fact that i didnt catch a cold. anw he went home to bathe change and pick up the car so that he can help send my mirror home. my wonderful mirror so mafan. gosh...

ohh i got chocolates, flowers (flower press la) and a clutch! omg i think nic got damn damn damn good taste. cos he actually knew my kinda taste. HAHA! he has only shopped w me once recently!! and he actually bought for me the clutch i loved. without any hints from me. wowww. amazing~

mom's nagging again. im irritated. fugg la. im gonna sleep.



sadly, some ppl reaffirm the fact that u're a loser in love.



wouldnt it be so much easier if he dated someone in his company, while i dated someone in school?


(: that shd save a whole lotta trouble.

i really wish the one making me feel better was him. i really wish i had the freedom or luxury to have a bf's shoulder to lie on to cry whenever i needed. i know now, i cant wish for any festivals with him. xmas, new yr, vday, whatever it is. perhaps cny is an exception. i dont enjoy the comfort of a bf who's there as and when i want or need him, but i dont mind. so long as he trusts me. i may love moments of peace and solitude, but im definitely one who needs tonnes of company. if he cant afford to spend time with me, the least he can do is to allow me to go out with frens. not selected frens, but frens in general.

i miss gonggong popo.. i really hope i'll get to see them this year.



Never try to love a man, just understand him.
Never try to understand a woman, just love her.


you know, sometimes.. love has its limits.

vday in a week, and there is this pressure on everyone, singles and couples alike, to do smth for vday. singles start finding their 'dates' and couples start planning their dates. this season of love is often filled w guys/gals alike lavishing extra (often expensive) gifts for their special someone, prices soar, market forces seem to be pushing all of these. i wonder if ppl do celebrate such days for their loved ones, or they're obliged to cos vday's 'supposed' to be the day of love, and if they fail to do smth special, their spouses kick up a fuss saying they dont care. haha. i dun believed in vday for the significant other, but i do believe vday's a day to spread love. to my friends and family nonetheless. seriously, splurging on a gift on this occasion seems quite pointless to me. flowers (they wither and die), bears (metoyou bear sounds fine, but its freakin expensive), chocolates (ohh man think of smth original), dinner (the marked up prices dun appeal to me), what else? romantic strolls on the couple filled streets of singapore? haa.. last yr's vday was nice w frens n colleagues, but i definitely felt like crap at the end of the day. this yr, im sure it'd be better.

i think i like to work alone, take charge of my own stuffs. selfish? arrogant? or independent? i dunno. neither do i know how to put tt across to han, who's a fellow colleague now. nothing much, just a personal preference, but sometimes expressing that idea might sound offensive to others. i've no idea why i had no prob w edmund. wassit cos i did the full presentation, and we matched up well w each other thru eye contact? somehow han n my style of working is v different, n i can see there's some sorta discomfort w some clients. ahhh.. work is work. its tough handling colleagues, even tougher handling colleague-friends. i like the r/s w edmund. like the fact tt he's professional, responsible and all that. pretty attractive for a young guy like him. (deardear.. he's NOT a crush. allan's NOT a crush too!!!)



people sometimes forget how good it feels to let out secrets.

some things can only be put down after shared with someone else. is that why i cant forgive myself? too late for regrets. move on baby.



Saturday, 3/2/2007
spent the afternoon at zk's place playing mj. mood was inadvertently affected by zk. i cant conjure my feelings, but basically, unjust. why wassit that he could make a big fuss bout me contacting sy, n now all he says is 'ohh she's just seeing how im doing. nothing is going on.' i say, 'fuck you.' u said i didnt care for ur feelings when i contacted sy. so all this crap, u cared bout my feelings? u say u dun care bout her. im so damn bloody convinced that's utter rubbish la. honestly, im sick n tired from hearing all these from u. im shutting them out. u can save those explanations and 'i only love you's. i can see for myself what's true, what's real, what to believe. i really wish i could just say 'fuck it' n walk off without turning back. i wish i had that strength. that steel heart to turn my back on someone crying, letting him stare at my back as i leave. n not be the one sitting there crying when he leaves. im sorry for my attitude cos i thought i was childish. i thought i could have handled it better. better in the sense that i could walk off not feeling a thing. i've learnt thru hurt and pain that tears no longer sooth my heartache. so, no more crying maddie...

sunday, 4/2/2007
a day slacking n fighting at zk's place. met chris, ying, hua n harry for dinner at via mar. not bad! i've nv thot of going there, but since ying had a voucher to utilise, might as well. nice catching up. n we've decided to meet up on cny chu yi! heh. cos they're all gonna 'escape' from our grandparents' places. i use the word 'they' for i dun go visiting on cny chu yi. i kinda forgot how it was like to sit together with a big family eating tuan yuan fan. the last time i did that was... pri 4? mommy said she met xiao gu (my lil aunt) today. she's daddy's youngest sis. so yea, belongs to that part of the family i no longer keep in touch with. she told mommy how granny was missing me, hoping for me to go back for meals on sundays and public hols. popo's legs are giving her problems. its getting so bad she couldnt walk for qte some time. when mommy told me that i just started crying. even now as im typing this, i cant stop my tears. she's my popo for god's sake. what's keeping me from visiting her!?!? cold stares and sarcasms from other family members?? or gonggong?? every single time i recall meeting them at the clinic, i feel so guilty. how'd u feel if u walked past ur grandparents and u couldnt recognise them, they couldnt recognise you? u're related by blood, and yet u pass each other on the streets like strangers. sighs.. i really failed as a granddaughter. i really really miss them...
sy once gave me the courage to go back. he said he'd go back w me. he said whatever it is, he'd be there to face it with me. that promise, as usual, was never fulfilled. met nic to discuss mkting and he got shocked w a teary-eyed me. told him all about it, cried and cried, and he pacified me with some sweet from mamashop downstairs. said he'd bring me cny shopping to buy stuffs to bring up to my grandparents place, though he cant acc me there. don't u just love friends like these? whether he has a motive or not, i appreciate his thought. this year, im gonna go visit them. i may be alone, but i promise i'll be strong.



i've been stuck w doing "odd jobs" for ppl these few days. n it really SUCKS. i wont leave dear in the lurch but when im so fucking tired it does irritate me that im actually doing the bloody essay for someone else la. sick n tired. doesnt help at all. owell. n today, collating all the merchants n all the crap into a spreadsheet. n her info sent to me was all over the place i could die sifting out the information. im just whiny and grumpy. i know. but screw it. doing odd jobs really isnt fun when u're shagged. n i mean fucking shagged.

my eyes were closing as i typed his essay yday. n i had to rush back today just so i could submit his essay in time. aramsa spa, green room and powermoves were a DELIGHT though. the managers there are so hospitable and so friendly u'd wanna sit there n chat with them all day. but i had to rush for time, n i hate rushing for time, so i got kinda irritated by the amt of things i had to complete in a day. met nic, then i met haze, then met cindy for dinner. now dan's at my place. quite a no of ppl to meet in one day huh? i've company for the night! yayyyys! consolation prize!

i love this job of mine, really really love it. =)