thrice i watched the fireworks w sy, twice i cried cos he wasnt arnd. but yday's fireworks were indeed breathtaking. its nice seeing all the couples on the streets acting all lovey-dovey, old ppl, young kids, families all clogging up the streets of esplanade, one fullerton and marina sq just to witness the spectacular fireworks. the congestion was scary, but it was worthwhile for me. mahjong at chris' place, fell ill on the first day of the new year.

did smth i know i shouldnt; read some of his past msges. n i truly regretted. more about the content i read than the act of me snooping into his msges. i may have a bad memory, but i do recall that we got to know each other somewhere in feb, n we got tgt somewhere in march. his msges to her were dated somewhere in may, n his pictures w her somewhere in june. i wonder what is all that about "no contact with her" and "no feelings for her". i feel, its no respect for me. and status wise, i may be his gf, but does it even mean a thing to him? i thot i could close an eye, i thot i wouldnt have minded. guess i was wrong, i don't know myself that well. i can shrug it off saying its been awhile back. but the thing i cant get pass myself is the fact that u did all that when we were alr tgt. u hate it when i cry for sy. i think now i understand how u feel. u say to trust u, to believe in this r/s, to work things out... sighs. u kinda shattered me again. i do forgive, but pardon me, i cant forget. just like how all this brings me back to the moment i saw ur picture with her, n i remember.. how i couldnt even cry. sorry, but i really do doubt. with all that im seeing, i cant help it can i? i may not post this entry, cos i dun want another crack in this r/s. i wonder how many more cracks we can take b4 it falls apart. or will we mend it in time?

if i do post this, and if u're thinking why isit that i've smth bout her again, the only sane reason i can give u is that u've got too many things bout her, tt's why i've got an issue w it. whatever's happened, happened. i don't understand you, i really don't. i don't see how u can be telling two people u love them at the same time. i don't know what u want, what u think, and if what u say is what u feel. im running out of things to type cos my thoughts are everywhere. so are my tears.

i rmr things ppl do for me, things ppl do to me. i may be extremely sentimental, but i also wouldnt forget how ppl let me down. its a trait i've always disliked, but nv managed to discard. u know in deathnote2 how they could wipe out memories? i really wish i could. wished i could start w zk on a clean slate. haha. i might have found a better candidate even.

still, i owe him an apology for trespassing inbox. im sorry. i've learnt my lesson, don't wanna ever do it again.

beauty lies within imperfections.

im flawed too. but it hurts to witness flaws of others.