sometimes i really really just wanna tell him to get lost. im afraid one day i'd just lose my cool, throw a tantrum n shove it all down the drain. considering my character, considering my temper, there is a high chance of that.. sighs. feeling drained.

i wanna do my part for everything, n i wanna do well in everything.



the most unexpected time to meet sy again. at a bus interchange. haa.. of all places, yishun bus interchange. words exchanged were merely for courtesy sake. its quite upsetting that things turned out this way. perhaps that's all there is to it. even if he meant any future, that future wouldnt be fulfilled.

why won't you turn and look? im still here waiting...


a darling reminded me today, that i've no idea how lucky i am. shen zai fu zhong bu zhi fu. many frens out there probably love me more than i thought. some even love me more than platonic friendship kinda love. i've been stuck with sy for so long, and they stayed by me. after leaving sy, i've got zk. n they're still by my side. but i do wonder, if they're there for an ulterior motive..

imp called me today! but i was too busy to chat, cos i was out shopping n trying clothes. =p he's back from the states!! would love a meetup soon to catch up on all that we've missed out. *dammit. i shd have asked him to buy stuff for me!!*



deardear, this is for u.. mommy found it. =)

Rat
This year is filled with vibrancy and energy for those who are born in the year of the Rat. The down side is that there is a great tendency that you will get too excited and try to do more things than you can handle. In this year, you will be suited to handle tasks that can be completed quickly. It is best not to start anything that requires long periods of commitment as the excitement may not last for you to see it through. There is a strong sign of over-indulgence in eating and other undesirable vices like gambling, smoking and sexual activities. Although there will be social activities this year which make it a good year to build rapport and meet new friends, do not get involved in affairs or cross the safety line. The price will be too much to pay for the impulse of excitement.

Career
If your boss or most of your associates are male, it will be easier for you to work with them and the chances of succeeding in your plans are high. When you are planning to implement anything, take note of time lines and always have contingency plans. Obstacles are expected in the career front. A word of caution: Avoid getting into office affairs.

Wealth
Average

Relationship
For those who are attached or married, be careful of third parties or getting into affairs. Remember that the fun is too high a price to pay. For singles, there is a higher chance of meeting the right person this year but there are also many pitfalls. Make sure that you give adequate time to observe the other party before committing into a relationship. A proper relationship has to be two ways and be able to withstand the test of time.

Health
Good

People
You do not have to worry about back stabbigns and betrayals


i really really really hate the way dear spoils my day in the morning. it may be my fault (yes it was, and i apologised), but he could have jolly well put it in a better way. the more he does this, the more i dun care about him hollering anymore. sooner or later i'll be immune to his complains bout nic or zhizhong or whoever. i know he cares, but cant he show it in a more pleasant way??? do i really have to put up with all these?

on a lighter note, vday is round the corner. many couples are breaking up. many unexpected ppl have asked me out. but i just wanna stay out w frens, n i just wanna spend my night alone. vday isnt exactly a day to celebrate.. not for me at least. its way overrated. expensive dinners, costly flowers, useless chocolates, oversized bears, unwanted dates. nahh, im not really into that. call me unromantic.

romance isnt a word in my dictionary, ever since you left.



ann sent this excel thing to me, analyzing one's hanyu pinyin name. it was v true for me, sy, dad n mom. cant say the same for zk. haha. but its really quite interesting.

◆苹果女孩：
　　冷静，做事有计划、自尊心强
◆性格
　　你拥有独特的想法，属于行动派的人，但是行事前会有周详的计划然后才会实际去做。虽然大家都说你是一个反复无常、用情不专的人，但是事实上再也没有其他人比你谨慎小心了。与周遭朋友的协调虽然能掌握的很得宜，但你内心实际上是很顽固的，所以也常常会因此无法与人妥协而吃亏。总之，你给人的印象是个性比外表还要来得坚强。
◆恋爱结婚
　　像女王一般恋爱的模式虽然与你最适合，但是因为你那高不可攀的自尊心，会造成自己在恋爱路上的阻碍，因而让你对恋爱的感觉变淡。虽然你很期待谈一场轰轰烈烈的恋爱，但是来追求你的偏偏都是属于个性软弱类型的男生，所以经常让你感到失望。因此对你而言，透过相亲、开始交往然后迈向结婚的模式，比较能让你掌握幸福。

han's bday is coming up n im fretting over what to get for her. shit. i've no time to shop for her pressie!! going for a job interview w her tmr. yayys.

nic is freaking cute when he's in 'hibernation mode' as i put it. he can shut down in an instant! plus the way he topples over/drools when he sleeps. damn cute la. hahaha. i wanna take all those pics n bribe him! he's been a real great support the past few days, n i just hope im able to provide that lil bit of support for him.





im tired.. i cant take that many blows.
one more time, its gone. alr on the brink. just hanging there, clinging on.



if u cant even trust my words, what more can i say?

im starting to hate this, im tired.

too many things going on and im contemplating to lessen my burden.

u're making it all the more tempting.



took me some time to realise the hougang block i passed by so frequently on my way to dear's place was the place i kept getting lost in 2 yrs back! 2 yrs sounds pretty far fetched, but it wasnt that long. at least, more recent than sy. haa.


he said i'd return. he's one guy who respects me, honours his words, needs me as much as i need him. changed me a whole lot. my imp, nat.

i love the top deardear got me! loved the way he whined to qian shou. haa.. v childish but i like. seldom do i respond to his irritating ways, his whinings or his lame jokes. but i do love him for that. if i could ask for a wish, may i ask.... "limzhikai, ta pao!!" deliver to my place pls?



managed to change fri's class to thurs, so tt means a FREE fri for me. hurrays~! im looking for a well paying part time job. any offers?? im in need of money this sem. save me..

fruits n ice cream made me one happy girl. driving was smooth n had chats w 2 new instructors. feeling much more comfy chatting n driving alr. parallel parking wasnt as tough. met zk fugene n cm at suntec, was craving for spicy ramen but lost all appetite when i arrived. feeling bloody sian that i cant go cruise. (cos i have a freaking semester from may to aug!!! blooooody hell this sucks big time.) on top of tt, i found out that the camp job i was tempted to take, pays real low eventually. which is not value for money considering the hours put in. there goes my job, there goes my allowance, there goes my money. dammit.


I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between, needs our attention
I see you right in front of me, as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave, this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry any more
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection
I see you right in front of me, a vision in my head
And I know this is as real, as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

You make no sound, but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends, like the sea, like you for me

And it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love
And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love



no one's to decide who's best for me, other than myself.

as of now.. i think my dear is doing a far better job than anyone out there can.



i've successfully managed to curb my shopping and saved precious moolahs~!! not gonna disclose how much, but im gonna slowly accumulate all these granny money and one day it might end up alot alot!

cant help but feel irritated when dear sees all the negativity. or when he tries to interfere in my social circle. he has all the rights to dislike my frens, but i dun like the idea of giving up a fren cos my bf's sensitive. i know many wouldnt mind losing a fren cos of their bf/gf, but not me. honestly, im still uncertain about this whole r/s, whether we'd survive the test of time, or simply if i even see a future w him. the whole time we've been tgt, hasnt given me enough confidence to think about "future". times when we quarrel like today, i really feel like telling him "that's it. i cannot take it anymore." but i refrained myself. i will try to change, i hope he will too.

all that dear says of the future, be it the idea of sharing a car, or the idea of being tgt many yrs later, or just the idea of the holiday in the near future, it really excites me. cos im looking forward to it, n every single day is like a step closer to the goal. but there's always a lil devil in me saying that it might all end up as empty promises, and i've nv been lucky in fulfilling my wishes or dreams. do i trust him? not totally i guess. someone told me its not whether i see a future with him, its whether i want a future with him. cos if i want it, i'll work for it, and i'll have it. but my belief aint that strong...

bebe means baby. means inconvenient love. means essence of love. means warm fuzzy love. means im yours.



certain things are irreversible, unrepeatable.

i am the way i am cos i'm still your be. stubborn as ever. cold hearted as always. we cant anticipate change, but if change can bring us to where we are now, we werent as strong as we thought we were. the love you gave me was like a pretty crystal ball... and over time, i found cracks.. some of it could be mended, some couldnt. when it got too ugly, w my princess tantrum i threw it away, shattering it so bad it couldnt be pieced back even though i cried and regretted. till now, nothing fixes it... unless you promise me another crystal ball. will you?

nv thought of describing it that way, and it does sound childish. but it makes sense.

i love the way my heart speaks to me now.



Is it you I want, or just the notion of a heart to wrap around, so that I can find my way around?

lonely souls seek company. comfort of having someone there. busy souls seek solitude. comfort of peace and tranquility, perhaps from within.

i seem to relate more to the latter. i dislike complicated matters, which is why i hate matters of the heart. feeling too much isnt a good thing. lonely ppl preoccupy themselves so they have no time to fall into self pity. i know how that feels. you count time, hour by hour, till you lose count, or lose the patience to count. then you go into routines. work, school, whatsoever. routines such that you follow mindlessly, and return home like it was worthwhile, when all you did was to repeat the routine in a daze. at the end of the day, emptiness seeps in, tears fall, and you go to bed. there are times when it gets unbearable... and you try to find a way out.... and realise there isnt an EXIT sign anywhere in this maze.

i know he cares, he's concerned, so am i. but there is this barrier cos i wont allow myself to display any emotions to him. its too risky. i prefer things.... safe.

nic can be sucha sweetheart sometimes, but i guess its the traits of a once-playa. haa.. many have eyes for him, but he has eyes for only one. he still loves her, but lacks the courage for a new start with the same girl. he says his determination has died, his patience has worn off. he says he loves her but her selfish ways. he says there's a little of her in everything of him. i say that he loves her still and he shouldnt let her go. i say he'd end up like me, wanting smth i cant get. i say love will not fade with time, with change. what more can you ask for, but to love one wholeheartedly, with all your heart and soul, to give like there's no tomorrow? this person u're willing to give it all for, why let her go?

sigh.. some scars are un-mendable. but its the person you love, and you just cant help but love his/her every teeny weeny bit.. cos u love the person in totality, with all his flaws.

if there's one person u love most in ur life (up till now), who'd it be?



yday was a damn screwy day. meeting ann n evy wasnt, but the part w my parents was. i cant believe how selfish they are sometimes. really f-ed up. my usual rantings go out to marcus, nic, zhizhong, han, zk. nothing much that i rmr now. cant even rmr how pissed i was or why i wanted to cry. all that for short term memory. but i rmr being v disappointed when zk fell asleep chatting w me. perhaps it was cos i couldnt sleep, n i wanted someone to talk to, n it didnt exactly feel good to realise that the person u were talking to wasnt even hearing what u were saying. but he was tired. owell.

blading w zhizhong today was damn fun cos i hardly try to challenge anyone in terms of speed. he's a much more competent blader than i am, n it was hilarious how i nearly threw him into the drain when i fell. he tried to grab me on my elbow, i tried to grab his hands, my blades crashed into his n his other blade got scratched by drain railings, n i nearly pushed him into the drain as i tried to stand up. oops! im sorry im really not a good blader.

im frantically in the midst of packing my room cos everything's gotta go. almost everything. ransacked the deepest darkest corners of my room n i found stuffs i thot i lost, found some memories as well. some pretty decent diaries i kept in good condition. after everything goes, its the welcome of the new table. and probably roomwarming w frens. if i find the time.

i dun like talking to ppl who're busy. or isnt paying attn to what im saying. cos it seems futile to even speak to them when they're hardly listening. and he expects me to say smth, to find a topic or smth, but im seriously not in the mood to or im just too tired. when he wants to talk, i dont. and when i want to talk, he's either dozing off, playing game or chatting n not paying attn. just getting abit sian of it all. all the talking n not listening, listening n not talking crap.

ann was talking bout her bf's mom's bday n how desmond was not considerate about her feelings. guys are really insensitive sometimes. its amazing how they seem like its the most natural thing when they are actually being insensitive. weird.



mommy asked me to reconsider my choice of guy. (what does his mommy think of me then?? hmm...) haa.. i know he's not perfect, but nv know if one day he'd be. read a book in mph, 'you may find the divergence in values hard to cope with, or you may fail to understand his set of values in any way'. 3 books have suggested that infidelity will cause taurus-taurus relationships to fall apart. 1 said that a rat-rabbit relationship was disastrous, and is almost bound to collapse in '07, due to jealousy, flirtation and infidelity. u believe in horoscopes and fortune telling? i do.

"Problems or illness may appear at the end of summer. Respiration and breathing are critical areas. Smokers should definitely quit. Big doses of fresh air do a power of good, and avoiding toxic fumes is an obvious plus."

"Couples may choose to move in together or purchase a joint home. Growing deeper in love and intimacy with a trusted partner is an experience to be treasured. Yet it still takes courage to become that open and vulnerable. At times this year, temptations to go back to an old lover could arise. But unless you are absolutely sure it's what you want, resist. A return to the past is probably more about fear than love. By the end of summer, the value of a current relationship should be clear, making it worth sustaining with passion, energy, and commitment. Having a family also enters the picture for some Taurus, but it won't be by accident! During the last part of the year a pregnancy may be confirmed, or a birth may bless expectant parents."

"No matter who you are, what you do in life, or where your planets are positioned, you still need to be loved, and to feel love for other human beings. Human relationships are founded on many things: infatuation, passion, sex, guilt, friendship, and a variety of other complex motivations, frequently called love.

Relationships often start out full of hope and joy, the participants sure of themselves and sure of each other's love, and then end up more like a pair of gladiators than lovers. When we are disillusioned, bitter, and wounded, we tend to blame the other person for difficulties that were actually present long before we ever met. Without seeing clearly into our own natures we will be quite likely to repeat our mistakes the next time love comes our way."

i still do mention my ex. but im honest, bout what i do, how i feel towards him. at least, i've nothing to hide n my conscience's clear.





i wanna sleep and i dun want any dreams tonight. unless dreams really do turn into reality, pls spare me of them. im afraid i won't know how to differentiate dreams n reality in time to come.


welcoming the new year feels so different without you here. im sure you're somewhere near, watching the same fireworks as i am.



i realised the post on 1st jan was quite disappointing. always happens. be it birthdays, anniversaries, impt festivals... i shd be used to it by now.

im lacking smth n im in search of it. but i try to focus on what i have instead of what i don't. makes life easier. much more fulfilling.

watched a few shows yday that caused bucketfuls of tears. there's a jap drama titled 'one litre of tears' and its very inspiring. its when i watch such shows or read such books that i cry and realise happiness is derived from every single day i'm living. each and every soul is probably living the dream of someone else's. so all the more i shd cherish my life, no matter how bittersweet it may be. every moment has its significance, everything happens for a reason.

i meet the wrong guys so i'd know who the right ones are.

i believe in fate, so when will the right one appear? or did i miss him alr??



never will i get to the chance experience sibling-hood.

really wish i had a brother or sister to share everything with.

most ppl love animals, n many love having pets. they're easily your source of comfort, joy and often frustration. whenever u feel lonely, u know he's there to accompany u. and he needs u too, for food, for entertainment, for company. i call it 'convenient companionship'.

if humans arent careful, they turn their partners or friends into convenient companions too. just someone to be there. to lie on, to cry to, to vent anger on.



beauty lies within imperfections.

im flawed too. but it hurts to witness flaws of others.



cheerios to '07~~!!!
i wanna grow, i wanna grow, grow, grow!
(in all aspects i mean, ht preferably. hee..)



thrice i watched the fireworks w sy, twice i cried cos he wasnt arnd. but yday's fireworks were indeed breathtaking. its nice seeing all the couples on the streets acting all lovey-dovey, old ppl, young kids, families all clogging up the streets of esplanade, one fullerton and marina sq just to witness the spectacular fireworks. the congestion was scary, but it was worthwhile for me. mahjong at chris' place, fell ill on the first day of the new year.

did smth i know i shouldnt; read some of his past msges. n i truly regretted. more about the content i read than the act of me snooping into his msges. i may have a bad memory, but i do recall that we got to know each other somewhere in feb, n we got tgt somewhere in march. his msges to her were dated somewhere in may, n his pictures w her somewhere in june. i wonder what is all that about "no contact with her" and "no feelings for her". i feel, its no respect for me. and status wise, i may be his gf, but does it even mean a thing to him? i thot i could close an eye, i thot i wouldnt have minded. guess i was wrong, i don't know myself that well. i can shrug it off saying its been awhile back. but the thing i cant get pass myself is the fact that u did all that when we were alr tgt. u hate it when i cry for sy. i think now i understand how u feel. u say to trust u, to believe in this r/s, to work things out... sighs. u kinda shattered me again. i do forgive, but pardon me, i cant forget. just like how all this brings me back to the moment i saw ur picture with her, n i remember.. how i couldnt even cry. sorry, but i really do doubt. with all that im seeing, i cant help it can i? i may not post this entry, cos i dun want another crack in this r/s. i wonder how many more cracks we can take b4 it falls apart. or will we mend it in time?

if i do post this, and if u're thinking why isit that i've smth bout her again, the only sane reason i can give u is that u've got too many things bout her, tt's why i've got an issue w it. whatever's happened, happened. i don't understand you, i really don't. i don't see how u can be telling two people u love them at the same time. i don't know what u want, what u think, and if what u say is what u feel. im running out of things to type cos my thoughts are everywhere. so are my tears.

i rmr things ppl do for me, things ppl do to me. i may be extremely sentimental, but i also wouldnt forget how ppl let me down. its a trait i've always disliked, but nv managed to discard. u know in deathnote2 how they could wipe out memories? i really wish i could. wished i could start w zk on a clean slate. haha. i might have found a better candidate even.

still, i owe him an apology for trespassing inbox. im sorry. i've learnt my lesson, don't wanna ever do it again.

beauty lies within imperfections.

im flawed too. but it hurts to witness flaws of others.