a parcel came by this afternoon. nicely wrapped, quite a beauty to behold. in it were a few little gifts. a ring, a xstitch of tatty bear, a keyring, a letter, and the box was filled w bus-ticket-hearts. i knew in an instant who it was from, but i wasnt the least bit happy. more of disappointment. that the right move was done at the wrong time. i can imagine how touched i'd be if it were 2 yrs back.

i like the rhythm the raindrops make. love it when i hear nothing else but the peltering rain. i nv liked rainy days. deprives me of my run, my tanning. now it even makes poor lex shiver. but today i liked the peace and serenity of a rainy day. just cooped up alone at home to think. the present represented so many things that should have been, or possibly, will be. but definitely its not smth im able to embrace for now. we're alr split into two very different worlds.

i keep saying that he was my soulmate, probably still is. but truthfully, i do not know how much he knows me. he thinks he knows me through and through. he thinks my every move is within his calculation and expectation. he knows what's up my sleeves. but in the year plus we've been separated, i've changed so much more than he imagined. he once said i was his soulmate, but i don't think i knew him that well. if i did, he couldnt have cheated on me. him cheating on me was the last thing on my mind. but the impossible happened. perhaps that is why all my frens say the optimistic me has gone somewhere. its hidden in this low-spirited, low-faith facade of mine. trust me, im not like that. i know im not. there is this part of me that disappeared when he left, i just gotta find it back. even so, im not the same as before. nobody can be after all that has happened.

if i collected all my tears, would it make up one litre of tears?

ying is indeed one girl who saw me thru thick and thin. she may not know the latest news about me, but she definitely knows me well enough. "stop acting tough, i know its tiring. u nv let ur tears fall till its too late, and we friends can only stand by and watch u cry. open up a little and u know u always have shoulders to lean on. the tougher u act, the more empty u feel." yes darling. u know what? that's why i love u so dearly.

i unwrapped the parcel, put everything back to its original position, pasted a stamp n sent it back. somehow, i felt relieved. i no longer feel bound by him, by our relationship. cos i know that he has another her, and i truly want him to be happy with her. as for me, i've got zk. and i wanna channel all my efforts into this r/s w him. 'if i want it to work, it will.' this line has failed me once, im gonna believe it one more time.