didnt expect a call from him this xmas. cos last year i waited and waited in vain. nothing much, just a simple well wishing, but at least he sounded.. diplomatic. my heart skipped a beat when i saw his name blinking on my phone. didnt know what to say, didnt know how to say it. but the call probably made de night easier to pass. -shrugs- this xmas felt different somehow. its either the atmosphere of sg's dipping, or its just me. it felt exceptionally cold n i felt exceptionally alone. even more alone than last year. wassit cos i had colleagues like brianna n hua n chris last yr? i've no idea. everything has changed. maybe i've aged.

i still yearn for another guy to bring me down orchard road just to see the beautiful lightings. when else but xmas do u get such prettily lit streets?? cny deco aint my cuppa tea. 3 yrs back i had the luxury. i promised myself that when i have my own child, i'd do it for my kid. take his/her hand and walk down orchard road on xmas eve night. take all the pictures he/she wants. i hope it'd be as huge a delight for my kid as it is for me! =)

went to sing at "the one" the other day w cf girls. pretty decent place for a low price. anw, we started singing really nice english songs, some of which brought back more memories than it should.

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know
i've found the reason for me
to change who i used to be
the reason to start over new
and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt you
its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
and i just want you to hear
i've found the reason for me
to change who i used to be
the reason to start over new
and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do
and the reason is you

ain't the lyrics touching? they still mean alot to me, no matter how many times i hear it i can feel it. and then there is a song that really tugs at my heart.

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did
you fell so hard
i learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
because of you
i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you
i find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid
i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry
because i know that's weakness in your eyes
im forced to fake a smile, a laugh
every day of my life
my heart cant possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with
i watched you die
i heard you cry
every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else
you just saw your pain
and now i cry
in the middle of the night
over the same damn thing

kelly clarkson's voice brings the whole song to a different level. because of you, i am afraid. how apt, how true. some songs just have that lingering effect.

i really love the effort zk put into the xmas pressie. i know he's busy n he's hardly got time for himself. n it is quite weird for a guy like him to walk into toysrus n get the penguins. haha. who wants ugly penguins for xmas other than me? but i really love it, and i really appreciate his efforts. as for the cardholder, just thot it'd come in handy when he gets his namecards. im lousy at choosing gifts, so sorry baby!

this xmas is one of mixed feelings.