2.30am. i welcomed the intrusion of zhizhong for supper! haha. drove me down to geylang for supper. hee.. cos as usual, my craving's tau huay. not that he knew, but he wanted frog leg porridge. so both of us bummed arnd there enjoying supper n chatting. havent really got a chance to talk to him like we did today. ppl get emo at night. so we started spilling juicy stuffs bout our lovelifes. not that i have much to spill (same for him!), but we seldom go out alone. and a huge discovery i made tonight: zhizhong always had a penchant for me!! i swear i nv knew a thing. nv even suspected! gosh.. he's damn cute la. i din realise that he was always the one to buy drinks for me during trainings, he always bought me snacks cos i'd skip dinner to train, he'd walk me home b4 taking a detour back to his place. he asked me how to write my chinese name just so that he could tailor make my black belt for me. haha. how sweet la! gosh.. n i never knew! i mean, all his lil actions, i thot he was just taking care of me cos i was a girl (and there arent many girls in tkd snr belt). he went thru all those one by one n i could sense him blushing alr, n i burst out into fits of laughter. he was always arnd for late night suppers just because i was there, and he wanted to send me home. how cute! that was when i was 16, he was 18. heh. he was v upset when he found out bout me n kenny, then sy, and recently he just found out bout zk. i was once infatuated w him cos he looks so shuai fighting. he's one of the guys i love to spar with. ohh great drinker too! cos i rmr he used to send me home, so it means me not sober, him sober. he just spiced up my night with his 'confession', so now im half awake! geylang tau huay is so silken smoooooooth. i still want more!

baby... miss you.
lovelovelovesss.

im a wee bit crazy tonight~~



a parcel came by this afternoon. nicely wrapped, quite a beauty to behold. in it were a few little gifts. a ring, a xstitch of tatty bear, a keyring, a letter, and the box was filled w bus-ticket-hearts. i knew in an instant who it was from, but i wasnt the least bit happy. more of disappointment. that the right move was done at the wrong time. i can imagine how touched i'd be if it were 2 yrs back.

i like the rhythm the raindrops make. love it when i hear nothing else but the peltering rain. i nv liked rainy days. deprives me of my run, my tanning. now it even makes poor lex shiver. but today i liked the peace and serenity of a rainy day. just cooped up alone at home to think. the present represented so many things that should have been, or possibly, will be. but definitely its not smth im able to embrace for now. we're alr split into two very different worlds.

i keep saying that he was my soulmate, probably still is. but truthfully, i do not know how much he knows me. he thinks he knows me through and through. he thinks my every move is within his calculation and expectation. he knows what's up my sleeves. but in the year plus we've been separated, i've changed so much more than he imagined. he once said i was his soulmate, but i don't think i knew him that well. if i did, he couldnt have cheated on me. him cheating on me was the last thing on my mind. but the impossible happened. perhaps that is why all my frens say the optimistic me has gone somewhere. its hidden in this low-spirited, low-faith facade of mine. trust me, im not like that. i know im not. there is this part of me that disappeared when he left, i just gotta find it back. even so, im not the same as before. nobody can be after all that has happened.

if i collected all my tears, would it make up one litre of tears?

ying is indeed one girl who saw me thru thick and thin. she may not know the latest news about me, but she definitely knows me well enough. "stop acting tough, i know its tiring. u nv let ur tears fall till its too late, and we friends can only stand by and watch u cry. open up a little and u know u always have shoulders to lean on. the tougher u act, the more empty u feel." yes darling. u know what? that's why i love u so dearly.

i unwrapped the parcel, put everything back to its original position, pasted a stamp n sent it back. somehow, i felt relieved. i no longer feel bound by him, by our relationship. cos i know that he has another her, and i truly want him to be happy with her. as for me, i've got zk. and i wanna channel all my efforts into this r/s w him. 'if i want it to work, it will.' this line has failed me once, im gonna believe it one more time.





i don't want to lose you.
then dont.

my darling, my blood, my heart, my soul. moi cuishle.

familiar lines, familiar feelings. its fascinating how it aches at this little corner of my heart, and i realised that it isnt that i cant do a thing about it. its that i don't want to. its a matter of choice. sadly, i've chosen to be miserable. feels like im stabbing myself in the heart. i've lost sanity a long time ago. along with what he took away from me.






didnt expect a call from him this xmas. cos last year i waited and waited in vain. nothing much, just a simple well wishing, but at least he sounded.. diplomatic. my heart skipped a beat when i saw his name blinking on my phone. didnt know what to say, didnt know how to say it. but the call probably made de night easier to pass. -shrugs- this xmas felt different somehow. its either the atmosphere of sg's dipping, or its just me. it felt exceptionally cold n i felt exceptionally alone. even more alone than last year. wassit cos i had colleagues like brianna n hua n chris last yr? i've no idea. everything has changed. maybe i've aged.

i still yearn for another guy to bring me down orchard road just to see the beautiful lightings. when else but xmas do u get such prettily lit streets?? cny deco aint my cuppa tea. 3 yrs back i had the luxury. i promised myself that when i have my own child, i'd do it for my kid. take his/her hand and walk down orchard road on xmas eve night. take all the pictures he/she wants. i hope it'd be as huge a delight for my kid as it is for me! =)

went to sing at "the one" the other day w cf girls. pretty decent place for a low price. anw, we started singing really nice english songs, some of which brought back more memories than it should.

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know
i've found the reason for me
to change who i used to be
the reason to start over new
and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt you
its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
and i just want you to hear
i've found the reason for me
to change who i used to be
the reason to start over new
and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do
and the reason is you

ain't the lyrics touching? they still mean alot to me, no matter how many times i hear it i can feel it. and then there is a song that really tugs at my heart.

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did
you fell so hard
i learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
because of you
i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you
i find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid
i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry
because i know that's weakness in your eyes
im forced to fake a smile, a laugh
every day of my life
my heart cant possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with
i watched you die
i heard you cry
every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else
you just saw your pain
and now i cry
in the middle of the night
over the same damn thing

kelly clarkson's voice brings the whole song to a different level. because of you, i am afraid. how apt, how true. some songs just have that lingering effect.

i really love the effort zk put into the xmas pressie. i know he's busy n he's hardly got time for himself. n it is quite weird for a guy like him to walk into toysrus n get the penguins. haha. who wants ugly penguins for xmas other than me? but i really love it, and i really appreciate his efforts. as for the cardholder, just thot it'd come in handy when he gets his namecards. im lousy at choosing gifts, so sorry baby!

this xmas is one of mixed feelings.



i miss the times i rushed to ur place at 5am. i miss fighting with you first thing in the morning. i miss slacking n studying at your place, just with u by my side. i miss long chats in the afternoon when u were doing ur duty. miss the times we spent w lex when i first got him. i even miss the irritating limzhikai who calls me incessantly and makes me wanna throw my phone on the floor in the middle of my class. i miss lying in ur arms, hugging u to bed, waking up to 'steal' more blankie from u cos im shivering. i miss the whiny n whimpy darling of mine. i miss ur bites that leave blueblacks. miss pulling ur hair n kicking u off the bed. miss ur kisses n cuddles. miss making love to u...

really really miss you..
baby,
i really do love you.. alot... probably alot more than u can fathom or imagine
im not good w assurance, im not good with words, im not good w pampering either
i do love u for all that you are, and i really want to work this out
trust me
i just need some time alone
have faith my dear
cos u're my one and only baby
n i wont bear to let this go down the drain just like that
i want you, i love you, and i need you
understand?



there's smth wrong when i say i wanna walk in the rain. tt's when i feel like crying but i cant. but today i had company. so 2 idiots were walking in the rain. i saw the tear trickling down his cheek. sigh. ppl do run out of chances u know? one weak little heart cant take that many disappointments, heartaches, torment. its sad seeing him torn up inside cos of her. he needs some form of company, so do i. i guess tt's the only reason why we're accompanying each other today.

zk's words dun matter anymore, they dun weigh as much as they used to. cos im starting to have doubts, starting to lose trust. i thot losing faith was bad enough, and i nv thot i'd face the problem of honesty with him. he says he forgot, well, then so be it. its tiring arguing w him over the same ex over and over again. and he thinks i've got an issue w her, just her. why not ask himself if he's got an issue w her, just her? i cant be bothered anymore. whatever he says, i'll just listen. words are merely words, i only appreciate action now. i believe what i see. i cant and i wont do anything to change him, cos i nv believed in changing someone to suit yourself. the only thing is for me to try changing my attitude n rxn to all these. if i manage to change n not care a damn, its either i've grown n learnt to take all these in my stride, or its that i simply dun feel for u anymore. u said, everyday is a learning process. i oughta learn alot more about tolerance.

nic said love's like chocolate. bittersweet, yet so addictive. i say i want mine to be godiva chocolate, i dun care if its bitter or sweet, its precious and leaves a memorable experience.



i dunno if its cos im putting more attn on zk, or isit simply cos he's trying to treat me better, to assure me.. but some things he do, some things he say.. they're really pretty sweet. just some things he reminds me occasionally that are heartwarming. when i forget to count my blessings, the ego him reminds me to count himself. haha.

he just added me on friendster, n im alr thinking it isnt a good idea. i guess he expects me to feel nothing seeing his pic w her on friendster? im trying la huh? if my 'single' profile is alr probed by my frens, i dun think i want them to view his. haha. if this is the assurance from him, i really got a hell lot to learn about self assurance. his actions n words dun tally.. now i know why i feel so.

dear, i know u'd read this, but im not asking u to remove the pic, neither do i want u to. that's ur freedom n ur own discretion, so i really dun want u to change anything abt it. just that im glad i know. =)

as for the first para, why this entry started off sweet n ended on that note, my emotions fluctuated yarh? i think i've learnt that words are just words. i may believe them one second, be swooned with them in another, but ultimately, words dun last. nahh, maddie doesnt believe in promises, oaths, words and futures... no more.



losing my appetite. han says its cos im not happy. haha. if tt's the way to diet i dun mind u know. i've no idea how to talk to anyone, though im feeling like a little lost sheep. i dun even know what im doing. i dunno what i want. its just like a trial n error, testing waters with every step im taking. i dun have the courage to pull out, neither do i have the faith to push on. so im left stranded, hanging on.

i've never knew how to express my thoughts, cos im so used to having someone reading them. so now i try to learn to speak up, and i fail terribly. haha. how pathetic, for a 19 yr old. not even capable of relating her thoughts and ideas. still waiting for that person who can read her mind, analyze her thoughts, know her inside out. that person's gone my dear.. n i dun expect another 'him' to appear anytime.

sy was a major letdown. if i lack the courage to pull out of this r/s, sy definitely lacks the courage to admit his r/s w me. downright disappointment. im very put off. very. cos he means so much to me, and it seems like i mean nothing to him. crap. f-ed up. from now on, we're simply "ex-classmates", as he puts it. one day we might meet on the streets as though we never knew each other. an ex bf i thot i'd weather the storms with, someone i thot would go the distance with me, an ex-soulmate. now, barely acquaintances. i get it. tt's the reality of life. face it.



do i still think he's not over her?
yes
do i still think we're not meant to be tgt?
yes
do i have faith in this r/s, in us?
not really
am i able to believe him and his words?
im not too sure

blame it on my low determination, softheartedness. just hated to see him cry. hated the fact that i made him cry. couldnt bear to leave, but i forced myself to. in the end, gave in n went back to see how he was. dammit, i just cant be more strong can i? all he did just made me bu she de to leave him alone. i dunno if its his tactic or what, but things are back as though nothing happened. for the better or the worse, i've no idea. thoughts still running thru my mind. n i still think im so weak. i cant stand this side of me. he makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but so what? im really quite sick of him saying that he doesnt care for her, and then all i see all i know proves otherwise. his explanations then become excuses, then become lies. sigh.. im not thinking too much dear. im just being sensible here. if u think im sensitive, i wont deny.

i wonder if this is right.. or am i making a wrong move again... feeling damn lost.



dear, u feel for ur ex more than just knowing what's going on in her life. i dun mind it one bit, but i am really starting to think that u miss her more than u love me. its not a month or two that we've been tgt. i dun think i shd be at the stage of convincing myself that i love you, or convincing myself that u're being true. if u're missing those past episodes of ur life that im not able to give or provide, i really think we shdnt be tgt anymore. im getting tired la. partly i havta say it wasnt u tiring me out. it was my own probs. but on one hand im telling myself i shd cherish u, on the other hand i see stuffs that tell me im probably trying so hard for nothing. save ur explanations, cos i think i cant believe ur words anymore. u've explained once, twice, thrice? i dun want to think that u lied, so let me just say that its no longer true at this pt in time. forget it baby... forget it.



i cant believe this.. i cry, still cry. i fucking still cry for him. im stuck in a position i hate to be in, and i really want out. i'll miss being pampered, but im sure i can be independent. i think im really cut out to be alone.



pointless argument that went round in circles. im only keeping fingers crossed. i dun ever want sy n zk to meet. never.

mj w cindy dan n chris! =) lost alot of money la!! my base was gone. haha. kept getting cards that could easily win 4 or 5 tais, n in the end someone else would game b4 me. sighs. not my day. but i still wanna mj!!!



i really think sy shd leave me alone.. is this all that is left of us? i don't know.. but i dun like the feeling im getting.. doubt we'd ever be just friends. i cant conjure any meaning to his actions and words, and i have no idea what he wants out of him, me, us.

read some of zk's archives in his blog. sweet i must say. and i always ask, how did such a perfect love go wrong? i thot perfect things stay..... well, perfect.. or at least, i tell myself that things were once that perfect, flawless, dreamy. the rest of the time, just try to make things better. time will nv turn back for me, none of those would be redone and i'd never get the experiences like i did, but if im gonna stay there and not move out of that dream, its stupid.

but the older i grow, the less emotion upheavals i experience, either cos im more resigned to fate, or superficiality no longer holds any meaning to me. i was nv obsessed w tangible objects of love, now all the more i disregard such things. esp words. i realised words really do go with the wind. they mean what they mean, only for the period of time they are articulated from one's mouth. afterwhich, those words disappear into thin air, carrying w them all the promises, all the hope and all the love they expressed. i cant bring myself to trust ppl the way i used to.



it pains me to know that u're so tired tt u fell asleep during our chat...

baby.. i love you, and i trust you. no matter what the others say, as long as we're happy, there's no need to listen or live up to anyone's expectations. im sure u've heard ppl saying im not good enough for u, cos i've heard the same, but i guess if we stopped short cos of tt, it'd be a pity. u're working now.. timings are irregular and i hardly see u though im on hols, but its just a phase we'll tide thru. it shall be on my wishlist this yr! _{miss u..}



quite a few have asked me if its worth it doing all that for him. research n do up his essay, send it to sch for him. truth is, i don't know. but im not complaining. nic n haze saw me smsing the whole time, n thot i was smsing zk. haha. it was marcus darling. there are times i just wanna tell zk smth, perhaps smth that made me happy or upset or whatsoever. but i type the msg n delete it. cos i dun wanna bother him at work. nic is right, i don't know what goes on in his work, he doesnt know what i do out there. after a long day, we're both tired. chat on the phone, share a few stuffs that happened that day, n off to bed. the next time i hear from him is probably the following night. i rmr nic asking me if i'd prefer a working or studying bf. i'd prefer it if my bf shared my lifestyle i guess. if im studying, he's studying. if im working, he's working. its so much more convenient that way. then another qn, "u dun even get to talk to him, see him, don't u question what he's doing? is this the sorta communication u wanna share?" "well, this isnt the kind of communication i wanna share, but its the best we can make do with. i dun question, doesnt mean i dun feel insecure. but a job is a job my dear.. is this what i want? now u are making me wonder..." there are times when loneliness sets in and i start to think.. start to think about the past, the present, the future.. if there is any.



exams are finally over. but im feeling a lil too sick to enjoy. what is the illness when u hiccup non-stop? flu n fever coming back. really feeling quite horrible. didnt join them at labyrinth cos i was feeling bad that dear was sick n i couldnt be there for him. since i was so near, thot i shd just drop him a visit. couldnt make him feel betta, but i wishfully thought my presence could make his day a lil bit betta.

nic acted weird today. startled me a lil. haha, im just not used to proximity w guys who are not related to me.

freedom smells damn good. im gonna embark on xmas pressie making alr. i think im learning to cherish time w him.. cos i realised, there really isnt much time i can spend w him. there are a million n one things i wanna do, but meeting him is no longer a priority, its a necessity.



all that stuff w dear.. lets just say it takes a lil understanding on both parts. i know he's tired w work n all, n i really dun want to add on to any of that. even if i cant make him feel better, the least i could do is not to make his day worse.

i dunno what got into me yday, but i missed him so much.. n i really hoped he would just appear next to me to put me into bed...

fever n flu's gone but cough's started. gosh.. lack of sleep craps up ur immune system.

nic was a real darling today cos he went all the way down to bro-in-law's place to get erin brokovich for me, n sent it all the way to yishun. who said nice guys are extinct??

just finished revising psy w ashton on de fone. he's damn entertaining la. n at this crooked hour we're all saying funny things. like how my 'organism' became 'orgasm', n how there's this 'horney' woman, how im not gonna reach my pedal to drive.. irritating. but he's nice. irritatingly cute.

its 3am n im not in bed, i gotta wake at 730. i guess mugging now wont help much, i'd rather pray hard n get some rest. gathered some xmas gifts alr! =) xmas is the time to share some love~



u'll not get ur idea across to me, cos to me, concern n precaution does not equate to control. perhaps u didnt know how screwed it was staying at home facing my dad today, u didnt hear of my day like other frens have, or u didnt know that i was darn bored n pissed with my studies. i just needed someone to chat w, relax n have a coffee. nic was the only human i was meeting today other than dad n mom. i think u forgot that i need some space of my own. to do what i want to do, to meet who i want to meet. n i think i especially need this space when im cooped up at home most of the time. i just need a breather, n the last thing i need is for one to control this little bit of time i have out of studies. lest i get reclusive. i dont see it ur way, neither do u see it my way. u're still waiting to see if anything happens, n if smth does happen, it'll prove u right again. yarh? its like u're waiting to see me fall. just so that u can hope that i'll learn my lesson. but time n again, u say that i havent. that's just the way i am. i dun see people out to harm me in any way. cos i dun seek to harm them in any way. as usual, i cry cos i do not know how to put my thoughts into words. i cry cos i really want u by my side. cos i always wish that a hug would save me explanations. a hug would bring a tear to a smile. i nv knew i was that vulnerable to u. crybabymad. im so used to tears.



i think u've got issues w trust, n i've got issues w ppl not trusting me, n i've a problem staying alone. to me, all that was just 2 students rushing thru a show they're due to analyze and put on paper on thurs for their exam. u may say that ur prob isnt that u dun trust me, its that u dun trust him, well its the same isnt it? seriously, try staying home n studying for a week. trust me, you would hell want to get out of home. i was looking for coffee, n he had to catch the series anw. perhaps i was seeking company, so what?

on a lighter note, prison break's damn nice. scofield is damn cute. so is the lady doctor. =)

i need some stress relief.



re·press (rĭ-prěs') Pronunciation Key
v. re·pressed, re·press·ing, re·press·es

1. To hold back by an act of volition: couldn't repress a smirk.
2. To put down by force, usually before total control has been lost; quell: repress a rebellion.
3. Psychology To exclude (painful or disturbing memories, for example) automatically or unconsciously from the conscious mind.
4. Biology To block (transcription of a gene) by combination of a protein to an operator gene.


daddy screwed up big time yday. n im left to clear the shambles, as usual. fuck. ugc essay is taking up way too much time. i want to finish prison break at one go, can i? got a bruise on my crotch area cos of pole. flu n fever n that irritating bugging migraine is killing me. i cant concentrate, neither can i string my thoughts properly into a coherent entry. sick n tired, feeling quite f-ed up.

lex has been the extreme comfort. he's so so so so adorable. its amazing how much he has grown.



Hen Xiang Shuo by Li Sheng Jie.
"in my eyes you are perfect..."

"hen xiang shuo you ni shi xing fu de
hen xiang shuo wo de xin shi ni de
hen xiang shuo ni zhen de wu jie le
hen xiang shuo ni zhen de wang ji le
hen xiang shuo hui hao hao teng ni de
hen xiang shuo ai ni shi zi you de
hen xiang shuo ni shi fou ting jian le
hen xiang shuo ni zhen de wang ji le"


i thot i no longer was.. but it doesnt matter now.



studying session somewhat ended up as chatting session w han.. it was nice, really. having her to listen n share her views. there arent many that can communicate with me on that level.

met up w ivy n wx for coffee the other day. n naturally, the topic would drift to sy. i wouldnt have known them if not for him anw. wx made it clear that he wasnt speaking up for him, thank god. it was nice catching up w them cos i havent met them for so long. ivy's still working at the clinic, wx's busy w all his pets at home. haha.. n they're still going strong. they didnt know much of what happened between sy n me, except for hearing some stuffs from sy, seeing some stuffs for themselves. n yea, they wanted to kpo. managed to talk to them bout everything... dating back all the way to 2004. n then i got hit by the surge of emotions again. n tears fell. din exactly cry, but i did tear. cos certain things are just too painful to swallow. but at least that nightmare's over. "we thought he treated u v well.. and we really thought u guys were a perfect match..." hmm, i realised there's no perfect match for me out there. n sy, was far from perfect. he may have treated me the way i loved to be treated, but apart from tt, all the rest was either a fluke, or just that pretty glitzy front everyone else saw. hypocrisy or what? perhaps i lived in a lie for too long.

after sy, many things dun matter as much to me. nothing much really touches my heart. sweet nothings are really nothing. smses, goodbye kisses, letters, bus-tickety-hearts. enough of those. not that they arent sweet, but i cannot bring myself to believe. they're just material things that hold no meaning if the person is not there. no more looking-into-"our"-future. cos i dun see futures anymore. no more surprises for another. i dun put in as much effort now. whichever guy comes along the way, i'll just try n see if it works out, if not, we'll part ways n stay friends. easy come easy go. i'll make sure i can live without the guy in my life.

i try, and i still try, to be more rational than emotional. to listen to my head and not my heart. i've learnt my lesson. cos it hurts. still hurts.



Artist: Chicago Lyrics
Song: If You Leave Me Now Lyrics

If you leave me now,
You'll take away the biggest part of me.
Ooh.... no baby please don't go.

And if you leave me now,
You'll take away the very heart of me.
Ooh.... no baby please don't go.

A love like ours is love,
That's hard to find
How could we let it slip away.

We've come too far to leave
it all behind
How could we end it all this way.

When tomorrow comes
then will both regret
the things we said to-day

Ooh girl I've got to have you by my side.
Ooh no baby please don't go.
Sweet mama just got to have your love inside me.


(Happy Feet has to be the only movie to make me laugh listening to this song...)



my baby went thru the previous post line by line.. n he said only God can achieve all of the above... there's no match made in heaven, but i believe there is that one guy that possesses most of the above, and i'll love him for even his imperfections. i'll confess, zk's the only one that got that close so far. credentials wise, character wise, there might have been better. but chemistry wise, i think not many ppl can click w me. well, i havent had many candidates anw.

kyan's doing well w his gf of a yr, n he told her bout us, our short but memorable past. she was quite amazed, just like how my frens are amazed. it wasnt that long a period of time, but i must say that those were the happiest times of my life. short beautiful memories. he was the perfect company for one seeking some fun, seeking some solace. for him, it was more than a fling. but we parted well, n here we are, telling our bf/gf bout our happy moments once. he still keeps his option for me open. haha!

2004. xmas wasnt spent w sy. we quarrelled. i cant even rmr what we quarrelled about, cos we always quarrelled. spent it out w frens, then drank w some guys n got wasted.
2005. xmas was spent working, still without sy. cos this time round, we've broken up. but that didnt take him out of my life, cos i got drunk again, n the reason was him. fireworks were pretty, they were such a sight, but i rmr that lonely feeling within when i was watching the fireworks w chris while working in AD. brianna n i teared, n we knew what each other were tearing for. i love my colleagues, really. roy, eric, brianna, john, viki, hua, chris, johnny, herbert, roza, ashid.. all of them made my xmas so much easier to bear.
2006. xmas will be spent w darlings cos zk's gonna be working. maybe i can spend the night w him? hope so. no more tears, no more fireworks, no more customers to chat with on a lonely xmas night. but definitely a much happier mad spending precious time with her long-neglected darlings, her sweeties that have supported her thru.

brianna.. i wonder how's everything w her job n all now. hope things are fine between her n nic too. suddenly recalled how we cried hugging each other, in the middle of AD, and then in a mth, both of us got attached. she was one huge pillar of support, at work, with matters of the heart.. she was always there. of cos there were the rest. john, a guy i probably took for granted and unknowingly took advantage of. roy, always showering sweet nothings (to everyone) n giving me hugs to make me feel loved. eric liew, viki n some others (i actually forgot their names.. gosh...) made working so fun i didnt mind working from afternoon to night everyday. it was my destress outlet since i got officially dumped. haha. then aria family, the whole aria family. got to know a chris small boy after 2 mths. a detested member of the aria family, the churchboy, whatever u call him. i knew i was seeking fun when i agreed to go out w him. nv did i expect it to go so far. okay 8 mths isnt that 'far', but if u consider a one week fling turning into this... i guess its unexpected. pretty uncalled for. i wasnt ready for another r/s at all, n i've no idea what made me take the plunge. i wont hope for much, i only hope for both of us to be happy in this r/s, for as long as it may last.. even if we were to part one day, i'd hope it'd be a better break up than the previous. at least i know im a stronger girl than before.

took some stupid online quizzes. from "an independent girlfriend" in dec 2004, i've upgraded to a "perfect girlfriend" in dec 2006. that's for a quiz that says "what girlfriend are you?". not bad.. i consider that an improvement. insomnia. i need rest.