the whole process of discovering, confronting, hearing to explanations, evaluating and the aftermath.. is simply tiring. n my threshold is low. i give up easily, and this definitely aint the first time im saying this. really, i contemplated giving it all up. but for the first time in my life, i knew i couldnt bring myself to. cos this very person who hurt me, is one i love. and for some reason or another, i do not want to be the one to hurt him. in the past, it was always me convincing myself with all sorta explanations, telling myself that what i heard, what i saw wasnt true. this time round, i did not spend any effort trying to convince myself though i knew his reasons were crap. no idea if this is good or bad, but i simply accept it. the explanations given were really... wth. but i took it in anw. at some point in time of my thought process, i really wanted to wake up this morning n tell him that i wanted a break. i really cant take the stress and disappointment of all these. and really, i've had enough of such... more than enough. going thru all of it again.. nobody understands how traumatizing it can be... total breakdown. defeated. dats y i rather drink and feel wasted.

han talked to me on the way back. about her chat w dear some time ago. about us.. n all the probs surrounding. i've no idea how long we've been tgt exactly, but it does feel short. in this short period of time, we've actually squabbled over so many stupid issues. and nowadays, the smses coming from him say things like 'what's wrong w u?' he uses that line oh-so-often. n he probably doesnt know how upset i get when i read that. sounds like a casual comment that he's pissed, but to me, it sounds v accusational. even if i was questioning him bout smth, he'd simply turn the table arnd n make it seem like the problem was me. knowing myself, i'd just say smth like 'forget it' or 'fine. the prob lies w me'. and i realise, at the end of the day, i nv get a sensible explanation from him, and im at fault for kicking up a fuss. han's right in the sense that i cant talk to him straight if he simply shoots down all that i say. if he really wants to know how i feel, what i think, he shd let me say my piece. or even if it means reading my convo w han over msn. he'd probably hear what i really want to say, in a much clearer manner, n he'd see a clearer picture. we really seem more n more like we're on diff wavelengths.. sometimes that still saddens me.

even after all these, i love this baby of mine. sighs. a little less, again.