"realised how much things would change in a few months time. n realised how different my ideals are with his. realised my parents wouldnt accept him for who he is. realised how screwed up my life is. what i want isnt what my parents wish for me to be. who i love isnt who they'd like me to be with. expectations differ n people change. ultimately things just aint gonna be the same. im not gonna think too far. take a step at a time. im just being cautious so i dun fall flat upon my next step. but i somehow know how things will end. it seems as though i already see the ending. but i just dun wanna step there. i keep taking detours. keep taking the tougher route. just so as to avoid the end. am i just deluding myself? or am i just being dumb?"

"sometimes i do wonder if im so stubborn n caught up in the way i think n feel that i neglect his feelings. or maybe its just me being selfish n refusing to listen? i know im not a good gf. i never claimed to be. but i still do not understand alot of things. i dun understand him. to the extent that im not interested anymore. i dun wish to find out more anymore. i dun ask. i dun probe. i dun try to read his mind. i've just stopped. its as though my heartbeat just stopped in that split sec. the heartbeat of the r/s kind of stopped there for me. i dun know where im heading. i dun know where we are heading."

"my 17th year. firstly, of cos its him. cos my 17th year consisted of him. a year i would have hoped to last forever n more. he msged. a short msg. maybe i wished it was abit longer. abit more emotions. or just abit.. abit.. i dunno. i hope to wake up tmr seeing him right before me. i hope to be the little girl running into his arms to seek refuge. i hope all this hasnt ended. but i hate hoping u see. hoping in vain sux. but well. my best times of the year were spent w him. if i were to recall my 17th year i'd probably only remember him. at least i know he still stands somewhere in my heart. i dunno why that sms made me cry. n de conversation ydae affected me v much. im trying hard to stay strong. cos i wont trust myself to let him thru my defense again."

we forgot how it feels like to love
we forgot what it is like to be loved
i hate the pity when tears roll down
i just want to be with you
is it that tough?

some past entries as i read madgirlworld's archives. i read n i saw how often i used to break down in front of sy, only him. up till now, i hate others seeing my tears. stubborn nature.

That's When I Love You

when u have to look away
when u don't have much to say
that's when i love u
i love u just that way

to hear u stumble when u speak
or see u walk with two left feet
that's when i love u
i love u endlessly

and when u're mad cos u lost a game
forget im waiting in the rain
baby i love u
i love u anyway

cos here's my promise made tonight
u can count on me for life
that's when i love u
when nothing u do can change my mind

the more i learn the more i love
the more my heart cant get enough
that's when i love u
when i love u no matter what

so when u turn to hide your eyes
cos the movie made u cry
that's when i love u
i love u a little more each time

and when u cant quite match your clothes
or when u laugh at your own jokes
that's when i love u
i love u more than u know

and when u forget that we had a date
or that look that u give when u show up late
baby i love u
i love u anyway

cos here's my promise made tonight
u can count on me for life
that's when i love u
when nothing u do can change my mind

the more i learn the more i love
the more my heart cant get enough
that's when i love u
when i love u no matter what