some things just wont change baby.. they just wont... some people are just the way they are.. take it or leave it...

i want to find:
someone who can love me the way i am, someone i can love him the way he is
ridiculous/selfless/inconvenient love
cant-live-without-him love
pure bliss, plain happiness
one who can put up with all my crazy idiosyncrasies, one who can be more stubborn than i am, one who tolerates my incessant complains n whinings bout every single thing on earth, one who bitches w me when im pissed, one who makes me laugh when everything that day stinks, one who knows what i want n gives me what i want, one who can put up w my tyranny when it comes to quarrelling, one who understands me when i say "i dont know", one who doesnt walk out in the midst of an argument, one who can assure, reassure and make me feel safe, without me speaking a word, one that understands, one that can do the things i love, one that puts in effort for everything he does, one that's ambitious and agrees with my ambitions, one that accepts me n my darlings, one that accepts my pasts, one that knows that he's not top on the list for me, one that makes me feel like im princess, one that can promise me a future, not with words but with actions, one that listens and loves, unconditionally
that one guy that can handle me the way i have to be handled

loves to love, love to be loved
loves to spoil, loves to be spoiled
i needa soul mate =)



"i dont n i wont know if it'll ever be as good. but if u dont try, u wont know. if u think its right, just try. or u might regret."

im surprised that line of mine got a old fren thinking. i dun believe in depriving others n myself of chances.. cos u nv know what life has in store for u. i always had a wishful thinking that life has smth really good in store for me. someone really perfect, a life really peaceful, a family i've always wanted, a career i love. any setback along the way is just a stepping stone, a lesson to be learnt, so im closer to my target. i still have that dream stage of mine where i fail to find a male lead. all my darlings know that story. yupps, im a lil girl at heart, ever so hopeful, ever so optimistic...

couldnt sleep till 4plus yday cos of a recurring dream that kept bugging me. n it got me so upset i cried n cried n cried. its scary. damn freakin scary. n it felt so real i could feel my heart hurting so bad. dear... tell me dreams dont come true.. sighs.



i dunno to be happy or sad that u reacted this way. but i was just looking back n thinking.. how hard i had to try to make myself happy in the past, how i alr gave up everything just to be w him, n how i held on to the last straw for so so so long.. n it really looks dumb now. given a choice, i wouldnt want it to repeat. it was like a rollercoaster ride from heaven to hell, and i must admit that he was a huge part of me, but he was also the one who brought me down. i can only chide myself for being stupid. but whatever happens, happens for a reason. he appeared in my life for a reason too. im starting to think, if the reason for his existence is for me to cherish what i have in future.

my blogs are always misread, misintepreted. n i think its causing dear some distress. sighs. perhaps he's feeling all the more insecure, since i contemplated giving up our r/s once. i may not be too sure of this whole r/s, i dunno why i love him. but since i stepped into it, i will make it work. the previous entry was in favor of zk, but in the end he thot otherwise. is my english that bad or are my thots that hard to follow?? i do wonder, how much he understands me after all..



"realised how much things would change in a few months time. n realised how different my ideals are with his. realised my parents wouldnt accept him for who he is. realised how screwed up my life is. what i want isnt what my parents wish for me to be. who i love isnt who they'd like me to be with. expectations differ n people change. ultimately things just aint gonna be the same. im not gonna think too far. take a step at a time. im just being cautious so i dun fall flat upon my next step. but i somehow know how things will end. it seems as though i already see the ending. but i just dun wanna step there. i keep taking detours. keep taking the tougher route. just so as to avoid the end. am i just deluding myself? or am i just being dumb?"

"sometimes i do wonder if im so stubborn n caught up in the way i think n feel that i neglect his feelings. or maybe its just me being selfish n refusing to listen? i know im not a good gf. i never claimed to be. but i still do not understand alot of things. i dun understand him. to the extent that im not interested anymore. i dun wish to find out more anymore. i dun ask. i dun probe. i dun try to read his mind. i've just stopped. its as though my heartbeat just stopped in that split sec. the heartbeat of the r/s kind of stopped there for me. i dun know where im heading. i dun know where we are heading."

"my 17th year. firstly, of cos its him. cos my 17th year consisted of him. a year i would have hoped to last forever n more. he msged. a short msg. maybe i wished it was abit longer. abit more emotions. or just abit.. abit.. i dunno. i hope to wake up tmr seeing him right before me. i hope to be the little girl running into his arms to seek refuge. i hope all this hasnt ended. but i hate hoping u see. hoping in vain sux. but well. my best times of the year were spent w him. if i were to recall my 17th year i'd probably only remember him. at least i know he still stands somewhere in my heart. i dunno why that sms made me cry. n de conversation ydae affected me v much. im trying hard to stay strong. cos i wont trust myself to let him thru my defense again."

we forgot how it feels like to love
we forgot what it is like to be loved
i hate the pity when tears roll down
i just want to be with you
is it that tough?

some past entries as i read madgirlworld's archives. i read n i saw how often i used to break down in front of sy, only him. up till now, i hate others seeing my tears. stubborn nature.

That's When I Love You

when u have to look away
when u don't have much to say
that's when i love u
i love u just that way

to hear u stumble when u speak
or see u walk with two left feet
that's when i love u
i love u endlessly

and when u're mad cos u lost a game
forget im waiting in the rain
baby i love u
i love u anyway

cos here's my promise made tonight
u can count on me for life
that's when i love u
when nothing u do can change my mind

the more i learn the more i love
the more my heart cant get enough
that's when i love u
when i love u no matter what

so when u turn to hide your eyes
cos the movie made u cry
that's when i love u
i love u a little more each time

and when u cant quite match your clothes
or when u laugh at your own jokes
that's when i love u
i love u more than u know

and when u forget that we had a date
or that look that u give when u show up late
baby i love u
i love u anyway

cos here's my promise made tonight
u can count on me for life
that's when i love u
when nothing u do can change my mind

the more i learn the more i love
the more my heart cant get enough
that's when i love u
when i love u no matter what



i was posted a weird qn just awhile ago.
"is sy the only one u'd leave zk for??"
"yesh.. i think so..."
"u sure? what if someone more eligible comes your way, offers u a much better future?"
"i dun see why i shd give up someone i love for someone more eligible.. doesnt make sense... if im looking for a good future, why not create one with the one i love?"

i was surprised by how easily ppl let go of relationships or ppl they love. im one of them. but according to him, my response was pretty unexpected. haa.. im learning my darling, learning to treasure what i have.

mommy talked to me again, still revolving arnd sy, zk, zk's job.. i told her everything bout sy n the girl, abt how i was about to give up this r/s. first thing she said was, "girl, u're pampered by everyone, so you just want what you want, regardless of others' views and feelings.. you didnt think of zk when u thot that way, you didnt think of the danger you're exposing yourself to.. you didnt think about how mommy wouldnt have wanted you to get back with a person like him..." as usual, mommy believes that a leopard doesnt change its spots. "i know u wont give up even if u see him with another girl, but u'd want him to be happy. u're still w zk cos u feel that u've some sort of responsibility towards your current r/s, but u don't even know if u feel for him." isit cos she gave birth to me, she reads me inside out? as far as she knows, my tears only flow for sy. she reminded me once again, that what im doing now is not fair to zk... n she reminded me again, that im a happier girl than before.. its either i've grown, or its zk in my life.



when it gets tiring, when i've given my all, that's the limit. i've given in so much, given so many opportunities. but he blew it one by one. asking for another chance now is just too much.. i've upset enough ppl over gsy, i guess i tore myself up too. a long process of picking up the pieces, and he had to shatter me again. the only diff is that there's someone there for me this time round. me, fortunate? i think its just unfair for zk. when everything came piling n i felt like i couldnt breathe, when life seemed to be sapped away from me, all i needed was a warm loving hug. im thankful i have many others other than guys that enter my life. sometimes i really do think im more suited to be single. heh.

im giving up some things, hoping to gain more out of another. i hope my choices are right this time round. enough of failures baby.. im losing faith.



exams are coming n im clubbing. haha. i miss drinking sessions! i think im born alcoholic. cant hold liquor v well but i just love to drink. mos music was not bad, crowd was so-so only. saw quite a few familiar faces. met phuiyin, jacqueline, adora, dianna, ny jnrs, kai n wei, victor n gang.. i must say that it still feels weird clubbing w a bf. not used to it i guess. but seeing him only made me realise how much i missed him, n now i miss him more. wth... i shd be thankful i even got to meet him. =)

i think.. zk will nv give me an answer to the previous entry... or he might just be too busy n stressed w work n all. sometimes i just shdnt ask too much, it may be for my own good.



here's what u wanted to know, what i was saying last night.

-------------------------------
11/22/2006 12:03:42 AM A new Beginning~ A whole New Challenge up ahead~
i have enough of whatever u have to say abt him

stop making sound so saint after all these can


11/22/2006 12:04:04 AM :.: sunny rain :.: that's my baby "Lex"!!~
i've enough of all these la... seriously...


11/22/2006 12:04:08 AM A new Beginning~ A whole New Challenge up ahead~
making him


11/22/2006 12:04:35 AM :.: sunny rain :.: that's my baby "Lex"!!~
i've nv made him sound like a saint

its just that we clicked, but at a wrong time

that's all im saying

i've had enough of him


11/22/2006 12:05:17 AM A new Beginning~ A whole New Challenge up ahead~
now then u FINALLY have enough of him


11/22/2006 12:05:20 AM :.: sunny rain :.: that's my baby "Lex"!!~
now u're just putting me off... seriously

there have been things i choose not to ask cos i just want to trust u

there were things i saw that i refused to acknowledge, telling myself its nothing really

just tell me the truth, reading her blog was to link to others' blogs?

n then her friendster?

everything else?

whatever lah dear..

i chose to close an eye n tell myself that it was all unimportant

i convinced myself to believe ur reason of 'linking to other blogs' n all that

i chose to believe what i heard from u n not what i saw

i know u're offline

but u'll read all these when u come back on

n really, i've had enough alright

im done saying my piece...

what u want to say, what u want to do, i dun think i have any control over it

up to u la... i cant n i wont be bothered anymore

it only causes more heartache

forget it

-------------------------------

i know u read my message logs, n i'd appreciate it if u let me know in future.. im alright w u reading them. as for the stuffs on ur comp, i think i just shdnt use ur comp la. i mean, its ur privacy. there's no pt if u keep having to hide things, deleting history or all that just so that i wont be unhappy. seriously, all the stuffs u said about why u read ur ex's blog n all, were excuses. but i try so hard to convince myself that nothing's wrong, i tell myself that u werent lying. what i hear from you sounds nice, all that reassuring, all that sweet words. but imagine how i felt when i see things that prove otherwise? n then i still keep on telling myself, "nvm.. i shall just close an eye and believe you.." wch is why i dun understand why u're so uptight about my guy friends, why u're reading my msg logs without my knowledge.. when im trying so hard to trust you, it seems like u're trying all ways to check on me. u get what i mean?

u always say im not vocal enough, i only know how to put things on my blog. but yday i tried, i really wanted to just talk to u about it, but u simply went offline. i can understand why u were uptight about what i was doing, i can understand why you got mad over the line i posted earlier, i can also understand why u flared up.. but i was really upset when i was just TRYING to voice my opinions, i realised u werent even there to listen. i didnt even know when u went offline. i only knew that i had been talking to the wall. i wasnt the least bit angry at u for flaring up.. cos i know u had a long day, n u werent in the best of moods. i guess the timing was wrong; u left just as i spoke up. maybe u arent fated to hear that at all. or maybe i shd just have kept it to myself, saving all the trouble of yet another confrontation and another convo wrapping up w ur sweet words.

do u know how ironic it is for me to see smth n hear another? does it have to come to a point where we dun use each other's comp/ah pui? dun worry, im not bothered bout that anymore, cos i dun want u to come up with another excuse to hide another fact. yes im upset that u lied, and of cos that does affect me. but im just hoping that i'll convince myself n move on without the need of any confrontation/explanation. ignorance is bliss.

dun worry im fine. im not upset or angry or anything. im pretty much void of feelings nowadays, cos so much has happened. im thankful that u're there for me, but it does get tiring trying to maintain this r/s sometimes. but i'll cont trying.. cos i know its worth it, u're worth my efforts. i really want to love you without restraints. but looking at all the things affecting us, be it sy, be it whatever you or i do, be it our changing environments.. i cant help but feel that im really loving u less. but im still trying.. trying v hard to pick up the pieces... trying to patch things as much as possible. i know u're serious bout this, so am i. the more serious i am about it, the more hurt i feel...

i love bebe. she's so cute. dear put ur cursor above her. she'll stand up n paw u. just like what lex loves to do. =)



thot it might be good having company here... =) she's adorable yarh?



i've so much to say.. but nothing comes out.. cos no words can describe this fucked up feeling... i want to cry, but i cant. this is so warped, so screwed up. i've strained my trust in him. n i know, this might just be it.



still hurts a little, but i can only blame myself for being stupid. now its all over i can only smile that it happened. there's no need to prove anything anymore. i guess he was my perfect match, but he appeared at the wrong time. i still wonder how smth could have gone so wrong.. owell, its history.

sighs. i find myself getting a little put off.. haa..



mad, be strong.

i've to repeatedly tell myself that cos i know im not. i know im crumbling. when i've tried so hard to build myself up again, someone just came n toppled it over. am i convincing myself? no, not the least bit. im lost. n this sorta emptiness is killing me.

my emotions are so tightly strung up my tear glands work at almost anything. i thot i forgot heartache. i thot i forgot what it was like to miss someone, to lose someone. u just hurled it all back at me, again.

i cry.. and i keep crying. did u know that i stopped crying after you left? not for another guy at least. now im crying, cos of you, again.

it took so much out of me to admit to myself, n zk, that im not over you. when u gave me hope, when u said u wanted me, when u said that u were willing to give anything to try again... did u mean it? or was it false hope, again? do u know i was willing to give up zk n try with you? do u know that im giving up someone i love cos i really really want it to work between us? do u know what u're doing is just killing me slowly.. and here i am.. dying a slow and painful death? do u know how much i like zk? in fact i love him. he's everything u're not, he may not give me everything u gave, but he tries. but u've never left my heart. never. now im a selfish bitch keeping a guy by my side, though i feel for my ex. wth is this. seriously, i hate myself. i hate the ME you turned me into. i was so close, so damn close to giving up my r/s cos of u. n you, you got into a r/s while swooning me w sweet words. fuck. i was stupid enough to believe it all. cos i believe you.

everything's destined. no matter how i hide, i'll still face u eventually. i had to hear bout her from ur mom. not even from your own mouth. u didnt explain. not a single word. is this all it is to u? all that u told me, a pack of lies? fucking lies? i hate ppl lying to me. u know that. u disappointed me, again. u dashed my hopes, again. u cheated on me, again. i cant believe i was almost put in the position of the third party this time round.

no amount of time will heal this. no amount of tears will make me feel better. u hurt me real deep this time round. u've just pushed me to pit bottom, again. da.. i really wonder how you could be so cruel....

tears show me the true you.. when will i stop crying... for you....



i jumped at the sight of the mail.. pure ecstacy. but i realised that it was a fluke. you made me cry, yet again. i shd freaking get a grip on myself. fucked up. n to think that i cried buckets. i freaking hate myself for loving you. i think its ME who's screwed up.



i dunno what to make out of this r/s i have w zk.. yes i care, yes i love him. but i cant forgive myself for being selfish enough to keep him by my side, knowing that eventually, if i had a choice... i might not stay by his side. i do not want to use him, neither do i want to lose him. freak. im just being darn selfish here. sometimes i just hate myself for wanting everything.. cos i really feel that zk doesnt deserve this.. at all. neither do i deserve to be trapped.. trapped in this warped feeling i myself cant decipher.

i knew it was wrong to go over to his place this morning. when all i wanted from the start was a break. but it really aches me to know that he's alone in his room.. n all he needed was someone to be there... sighs. its always like that. softheartedness always brings me back to the same pt i started out from. seriously, its back to square one. but now, its clear to zk what i want. n i've absolutely no idea why he's still here.... n whether its for the better or worse.



i refused to step out of the shower.. cos then, the tears would show...

i think i need some time away from him. or perhaps, i need to get away from him.
we're merely companions for each other as we try hard to rid ourselves of our pasts.
zk, it isnt that i dun wanna confront u, i know u've got probs of ur own, all the more i dun want u to hear this. there's no need to convince me of anything right now. no assurance is needed. no excuses or explanations (whatever u may call it). lets just... back off. who we love more, who matters, who we want to be with, who our heart lies with.. i guess we know it better ourselves.



im not over him as i thot i would be. time and again it happens, time n again he appears. appears at the wrong time.

since zk said it, yess i'll miss ah pui for a night cos he'll stay over w zk.



I had forgiven you for tricking me again.
But I have been tricked again into forgiving you.

I thought I recognized your face amongst all of those strangers.
But I am stranger now amongst all of the recognized.

I loved, love, and still will love you. damn.



im alr missing him.. guess i've been spending too much time w him. so much so that his absence makes an impact alr. i must say that this feeling is kinda new to me.

my dear kettle had a tiff w his gf, n he asked me for advice n help. n i realise, its the very same prob i had w sy way way way back. amongst diff couples, the problems are recurrent. the same prob applies to almost most couples, at diff stages of the r/s. which is why we can always seek solace in friends, friends who can offer a shoulder to lean on, friends who can offer their insight on an issue they've probably confronted b4.

ann's bf came to sch today, n i saw that happiness in her.. n for a moment, i felt so touched. i mean, they were quarreling yday, n today her bf took leave to come to sch n acc her for lunch. as a girl, do u know how much this means? i'd feel so so so loved la.. n im so happy for my darling. =) *her bf looks better in person!*

dear said smth in dota just now.. smth really mushy but smth that melted me on the spot. i dun like to show that im touched.. but there are times he just makes me feel so lucky, so blessed to have him by my side. baby.. i love you... much more than i thought i did...



my first trip overseas w zk. just a busride across the crossway, but out of sg nonetheless. w cm n gf, nanjun n gf, fugene n qinyun! it was fun filled n all, but i hate the fact that sometimes, i actually had a selfish wish that the one next to me was the same person a year back. its just this ticklish feeling that i cant explain, but i know im loving the company of zk. what would i want to change if a genie gave me the option of changing anything about me or my life? i want to change the sequence. cos i'd be able to appreciate things more, cherish things better, see people clearer, listen to my heart and understand myself better. i even told dear i'd want to meet him earlier, and sy later. he probably thinks its cos i think i'd last w sy if i met him later. but really, i might never leave zk for someone like sy. i wanted to meet zk first cos i'd be spared from the torture of memories, so i can really concentrate on loving him.. i really want to. but right now, i find myself convincing myself to.

seeing cm n his gf is real sweet.. n knowing that they'd be put thru a 2 yr trial, cant help but keep my fingers crossed for them. new environments, new people can make a huge difference in one's life. sher is a really cute btw. haha. she's like those sorta sweet n cute girls that always look 20. n i applaud them for their courage to step into this r/s of theirs. =)

there were 2 personalities that filled the space after sy. but they came n went. cos i wasnt ready to settle down. n then zk appeared out of nowhere, absolutely nowhere. n i plunged into the unknown, getting tgt with this guy i knew for less than a mth. ended up having sex w him, and brushed it off as just another fling. now.. i dun see where we're headed for, but i do know that i love this guy who took me by surprise.

for sy, we started off as frens. classmates n cca pals. he became my confidante, my companion, eventually, my soulmate. we never were a conventional couple. nv in anyone's eyes. we couldnt quarrel, we never did. but lots of heartaches, lots of tears. loved each other a hell lot, but things always turned awry.. which was why i really felt that we met at the wrong time. we constantly had misunderstandings over fel, and he nv bothered to make much clarification, and i nv probed. well, if he wants to come clean, he would.. there's no pt probing. things got out of hand, he went overboard, n i gave up. he thot i'd never let go, cos i always hung on no matter what happened. i'd cry buckets and the next day it was as though nothing happened. i really really love him. the way he makes me feel. the way it seemed like nothing would falter that love between us. the way he made me feel like i was priceless without any sweettalk, without any effort. but its saddening cos in the end, i was the one that gave up. which is probably why i think it could have gone on, if i bothered to hold on to that last straw. we shared everything for 2yrs. he walked me thru my jc life, n left just b4 my As. bittersweet memories, which have since plagued me for a yr plus.

went back to clubbing n flings n all, n i was contemplating to settle down w one. but it was meant to be a fling right from the start, i wont break my promise. he said i was one girl he wanted to settle down with, n i sensed sincerity, but that sincerity didnt move me. im someone hard to tie down. someone once told me to go out there n have all the fun i can, and if one day i returned to him, tell him all that he's missed out in my life. you know that darling has left his footprints in my heart just by saying that. both of us wanted to stop fooling arnd n get serious, but he realised i was too young, n i couldnt be tied down. and really, he's one sweet fella. if i were more sensible, i shd have gone with him. if im really one that ppl want to stay put with, why didnt i manage to stay put w sy..? but the one person that weighs my heart down is still sy..

i like talking to dear the way we did at the voiddeck. n i realised, if he could be so honest bout his flings, his past.. i really shdnt have anything to doubt. so what if he's still concerned over her? so what if there was a neoprint that made me really upset? if he's true to me here n now, all those wont matter. dwelling in pasts only forge misunderstandings in future. yes im scared, but there's no pt worrying. if he has to leave, he will.. whether its for another her or for some weird reason. everything will happen for a reason. i wonder what's his reason in my life, n my reason in his..

maddie, not everyone will take advantage of you n cheat on u like sy did..

i want to him to hug me to bed tonight... :(

this song means alot to me... alot.

你最近不说话 怎么了 为什么
是不是有什么事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单 有点乱 有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的 我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合 也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早已就结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

你最近不说话 怎么了 为什么
是不是有什么事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单 有点乱 有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的 我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合 也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早已就结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

爱我却不能够 给你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合 也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
这一次我们都能很幸福



i think im falling in love all over again.. with the same person.



Lex shd have been some copyrighted or customized name. i wouldn't want it to be ripped off like my ex's doggie's name or zk's ex's doggie's name. similarly, i wont want Lex to be the name of his dog co-owned w her. wth?? its obvious that its on purpose. damn. how childish.



read na's blog n kinda understand her pt of view now. i cant say i fully agree with what she did, but i know she's happy now, very very blissful in her current r/s, seeing a future ahead of her w her current bf whom i only rmr as scarecrow. guess i shd be happy for her. afterall, its her happiness that matters. it'd be hard to hold on seeing that u'd go nowhere.. i understand that feeling totally. i can rationalize what made her make her decision, n i know sometimes love comes unexpectedly.. but knowing jk's plight right now simply doesnt allow me to be all joyous for my darling na.

there's this balenciaga bag that's freakin gorgeous n the price is freakin steep.

ran thru photobucket, flickr n some unknown n cannot-be-remembered picture upload softwares like picasa etcetc. cos i had to show ann how to upload pics onto the web n use them. i've got pics from damn long ago, like those when i first started my blog. i've got pics dating way way way back, those stupid crazy lovely memorable shots. n each n every single shot i knew where n when i took it. shots of him n me. shots of what had been. jiu ai hai shi zui mei. u know how withered roses look pretty still? i think that's how i look at all these. read his mail. cos that's the only one im left with since harry deleted the rest. fate likes to play tricks on ppl, letting chances slip by like that, right before their eyes. i realised im still missing out on one pic. one pic he never gave me since we broke up. one pic i really really want for keepsake.

had extreme dreams last night. in one, i broke up w zk on xmas night. n again, it was a drunk xmas eve, but this time round, it was kor, nick, eve, dan n cheemun w me. dun ask me why cm was there. so out of place. but yea it was a weird crowd. n i got dead drunk, n i said stupid things. were those words from my heart? i've no idea man. i knocked out. (in my dream) i woke up. (in reality) and then i fell asleep again. this time round, things were totally different. zk was a totally different zk. it was the zk who did everything to make me happy, the one that irritated but made my day, the zk who held on to me like i was his lil girl. but after walking n walking (i dunno where it was), we came to dhoby ghaut stn n parted ways. but the careless him left his jacket w me n i walked all the way to the NEL side to look for him. but when i got there, it wasnt just him. it was him n his ex, hand in hand. a tear rolled down unknowingly, in my dream and in reality, and i woke. i woke with that pain within, known as heartache.. gosh, it did hurt. n i tell myself, its just a dream..

baby.. i do miss you...



the whole process of discovering, confronting, hearing to explanations, evaluating and the aftermath.. is simply tiring. n my threshold is low. i give up easily, and this definitely aint the first time im saying this. really, i contemplated giving it all up. but for the first time in my life, i knew i couldnt bring myself to. cos this very person who hurt me, is one i love. and for some reason or another, i do not want to be the one to hurt him. in the past, it was always me convincing myself with all sorta explanations, telling myself that what i heard, what i saw wasnt true. this time round, i did not spend any effort trying to convince myself though i knew his reasons were crap. no idea if this is good or bad, but i simply accept it. the explanations given were really... wth. but i took it in anw. at some point in time of my thought process, i really wanted to wake up this morning n tell him that i wanted a break. i really cant take the stress and disappointment of all these. and really, i've had enough of such... more than enough. going thru all of it again.. nobody understands how traumatizing it can be... total breakdown. defeated. dats y i rather drink and feel wasted.

han talked to me on the way back. about her chat w dear some time ago. about us.. n all the probs surrounding. i've no idea how long we've been tgt exactly, but it does feel short. in this short period of time, we've actually squabbled over so many stupid issues. and nowadays, the smses coming from him say things like 'what's wrong w u?' he uses that line oh-so-often. n he probably doesnt know how upset i get when i read that. sounds like a casual comment that he's pissed, but to me, it sounds v accusational. even if i was questioning him bout smth, he'd simply turn the table arnd n make it seem like the problem was me. knowing myself, i'd just say smth like 'forget it' or 'fine. the prob lies w me'. and i realise, at the end of the day, i nv get a sensible explanation from him, and im at fault for kicking up a fuss. han's right in the sense that i cant talk to him straight if he simply shoots down all that i say. if he really wants to know how i feel, what i think, he shd let me say my piece. or even if it means reading my convo w han over msn. he'd probably hear what i really want to say, in a much clearer manner, n he'd see a clearer picture. we really seem more n more like we're on diff wavelengths.. sometimes that still saddens me.

even after all these, i love this baby of mine. sighs. a little less, again.



had a nightmare, smth i was contemplating on last night.. n i had no idea why, i woke up crying. isit that i cant bear to, or i simply lack the courage to? talked to eve, telling each other how we trusted guys, let them into our lives, and then let them fuck up our lives n leave without a word.

i really think the explanations or reasons or whatsoever dear gave me were crap. sounds like a line that can only dupe 3 yr olds. but as usual things will just revert to norm as though it nv happened. if that's all the excuse he can give, then what more can i do? at times like this i just feel helpless.



baby, do u realise u've never bothered to explain to me whenever the issue has to do w ur ex? reason being, u still love her. but u know u cant be tgt with her. u still care, and she still holds that place in your heart. took me long enough to figure that out. but at least now i understand.. im not in any way blaming you, i just wished that u were honest to your feelings, honest to me. u may say im no substitute, but i know i'll not be the one who'll be the first in ur heart. someone else may be able to do that, but i know it wont be me. one thing i hate bout u is tt u nv live up to ur words. once, twice, thrice.. sooner or later it'll start to sink in, it'll start to hurt. cos what u say isnt what u mean.. cos what u say u feel isnt what i see.. but u're always so happy go lucky. its a double edged sword. u get over things quickly, u dont bear grudges. but when it comes to serious stuffs, u may treat it too lightly. that's what i love about u.. u make ppl happy, u brighten up others' lives, u're feministic but i dont mind being the 'man' in the r/s. i wish i were that magnanimous i could cont turning a blind eye, waiting for u to finally get over her, hoping that one day i'd be the only one u cared for n loved.. but im not. im not that big hearted when it comes to love. cos i know i really love you, all the more i cant embrace this. its been 10mths or so, more than enough ample time for u to recover, for u to let go or forget what u need to. as for living up to ur words, i've no idea if its just ur character flaw or its just that u dun take the things u say seriously, and i read too much into it. if u're wondering why im saying all this, isit pms or paranoia, it isnt. its cos i've a bad habit of using Internet history to go back to previous pages. and every single day, u check her blog. if u love her and care for her, pls make an effort to go back to her. im sure she loves u too. i wont keep someone by my side cos he makes me happy. i'll rather let him leave and be happy. understand?



u say u cant be bothered bout her anymore, i wont believe and i cant believe you. u say u only love me now, those are just words. i really dont trust u now. why shd u lie?



if da could read this, he ought to know that he left a scar.. which has been healed by someone else. he has no chance of doing that alr..