don't hold on cos u want companionship or need to be pampered..

i do need companionship, i do need pampering at times, but i guess im sticking on for more reasons than that. he is sucha darling. but at times he just gets on my nerves. just like that day on the bus when he actually threw the card holder n stepped on it. wtf. dear, its basic respect not to do smth stupid like that alright. you wouldnt want me throwing or stepping on smth ur ex girlfriends gave u. everything, whatever you or i do... is mutual k?

speaking of which, i am getting SICK of mahjong. this might be my last weekend of freedom so probably much lesser mj from now on.

working in aria feels so different without the usual ppl, but i had dear. n i havta admit, working w him does make time pass much faster.

still love him.. but a lil lesser than before.



past wounds lead to insecurity that plague new relationships.

its sad how eve's putting a strong front to it all, not allowing a tear to fall, not wanting to show any weakness cos he is always the one breaking down and crying. not showing ur vulnerability really isnt easy. she's really given it her all, she really loves him... and yet he says he loves someone else more. he's still very much concerned bout the other her. and that he loves her so much more though she treated him badly. are all guys like that? not cherishing those who treat them well, pining for those who disappointed them? selfish thinking my dear. and then expect ur current gf to treat u so well when all u care about is ur ex, the one u love most is ur ex, everything she does now is to be drawn in comparison to ur ex. its all bout her, her and her.. have u considered eve's feelings? she's 'supposed' to say that she'll stand by you and love you though u still love ur ex? not many girls can be that magnanimous. love is selfish by nature. how do u expect her to give u unconditionally, knowing that u arent gonna reciprocate a thing, and all u think about is ur ex? pure heartache. and all these im hearing, a day after i saw zk's pic w his ex. see de link? i fail to understand zk at times like that, and i give up cos i think i'd never see it in his light. at the end of the day, i submit myself to fate. wtf.

you are missed.
however u want to read that and whoever u think im saying this to.



a deeper insight into oneself allows you to know how and why u react to situations in a certain way.

some hurt just cant be erased, unfortunately.



it isnt easy for me to trust you.. seriously. put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you'd do.



holding on to someone whose heart isnt even yours..... is futile.

one's irresponsibility, one's lack of decisiveness, one's dishonesty to his own feelings will hurt others. but there are still jerks like that out there.



if i could just ask anything and everything without censoring:
why isit that i have to find out instead of him telling me?
why isit that he agreed to have the pic taken?
who is she to him now...?
why cant he be clean bout it?
why does his words sound exactly like siyuan's?
i dont mind if he's concerned bout her, read her blog etc, i really dont mind.. but cant he be honest bout it?
if he were to put himself in my shoes, would he feel my pain?
if he doesnt like me having a meal w sy, what is this about a pic w her? double standards??
disappointment, heartache, jealousy, or what is that crapped up feeling in me... i dunno.
he's not over her is he?
i dont like guessing games. but i dont believe in promises anymore. i dunno what the heck i want.

if i were to censor all that:
i trust him cos i love him. but i know that trust is waning.



speechless.. cos i lost the words to describe how i feel...

maybe i am disappointed.. i am paranoid..
and i hate this side of me.

i hate hearing the same words,
the same old scenario re-enacting..
its scary, if u didnt alr know.



It's over and done
but the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
it's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
lost in the song
but if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star



secrets shd be left as secrets. some truth shd never see the light. cos when its revealed, it causes quite abit of harm, to quite a number of people... if u get what i mean.

trusting someone is tough. u gotta go thru the doubting stage, before u learn to put trust in that particular someone. when he fails you, when he falls short of ur expectations, u cant do much 'cept feel disappointed. when he doesnt keep to his words, what more can u say? hoping that all it takes is a lil understanding on ur part, or just that bit of tolerance. perhaps that's what i lack.

it can be comforting to know that u may be better off alone, with no regards for a significant other, with no one to account to, to account for.

im one that gives up easily, way too easily. i walked out of the previous r/s thinking that way, n im even considering of walking out on this. sometimes i wonder what the hell im thinking.



a random sms from someone made me smile. he's sucha sweetheart lah. total darling.

an email from another made my day too. =) some ppl just leave their footprints in ur heart even after they've left.

midsems results are all out:
CSE111 31/40
UGC111 66/100
ESL407 89.5/100
PSY101 20/25
COM101 10/15

i guess its just average results. but nonetheless im damn happy i passed ugc. a mod i thot i'd flunk with 10 marks. i love dr sachs man. hahaha.

stranded in the rain
in a downpour
many walk pass and offer shelter
offer comfort, safety, warmth
but i politely refuse
waiting for that one person to offer shelter
cos only he can take me away from all these
but then again, he can take all this away from me



im so shagged im typing with my eyes closed alr.



our ideas are so different. n they travel along parallel tracks, they just wont meet. im not trying to be difficult or intentionally stubborn. when i put myself in ur shoes, i still wont think the way u think.

i nv felt so tired n stressed out talking to u b4...

in the end, its probably better not to speak.



had lunch w sy ydae, at the agedashi tofu cafe!! =) miss that place n some of those nice memories. the food's not bad, n the aunties there are so nice! lalala.. they made my day.

i passed psy!! 20/25. not fantastic but not too bad.

if dear was a _littlelittle^little more big-hearted, magnanimous or whatever, i think i'd love him more.



im really getting irritated w zk's betting habits. he says that i dun learn, now i wonder if im the only one who doesnt. sighs. he knows i dun like it, so he'd only tell me after placing the bets. what's the use? there's always cash on my side to survive, n there he is in debt. is he taking it for granted or what? yes im pissed. n im sick of him saying the same old line, "i wont bet alr.. scared alr.." forget it dear.. u havent kept to it once. dun say it if u dun mean it. dear, i dun care if u win or lose, cos i just dun like the fact that u're always betting. im tired of nagging. i'll just leave it up to u.

bbq at qinyun's place ydae was nice. n im so grateful to cheemun for my clean shorts. he's amazing! all the girls din know how to get rid of the stain, n fugene n him seemed so pro at it. im put to shame. nice evening, had fun w old sch games, enjoyed the company of those i thot i would feel awkward arnd.



im so glad things turned out fine for eve n leon. =) nothing makes me happier than seeing a fren in bliss. u know that sorta feeling when u know ur fren's truly truly in love? ur heart simply melts for him/her. n im thankful god rewarded eve w leon. after her long long wait for eric in vain. everything happens for a reason.

some things are hard to fathom. esp matters of the heart. i can only wonder why my closest girlfriends' mentalities have changed. i can only try to figure them out all over again. cos at times like this, i think its like making a new friend. some find themselves back. some dont. cant decide if its good or bad, but its just a phase of life where everyone's changing. new ppl in ur life really does wonders.

just when i thot everything was coming to a dead end, just when i thot losing sy meant losing everything in my life, zk came along. someone i befriended at work, a casual friend in yahoo pool, a fling, a tryout r/s, then... a bf added to the list. from the day i knew him till this day, everything simply happened as though i were in a dream. i really love the world im seeing with him now, the world he brought me. used to find myself getting uglier by the day when i was w sy, cos i became paranoid, jealous, self-deprecating.. how amusing. now, i see myself learning n growing up, in his shelter no doubt. still, he's become the reason for many things in my life, and im thankful for that..

"people always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be"



my heart skipped a beat when a beep tone sounded from my phone. thot it was a reply, finally. but.. its just the sound of my batt fully charged.



i've a stack of cd-rws which contain memories in general. browsed thru some to find a file for dad, n found much more than i wanted to. hard to explain the feeling, but i guess it still hurts.

the more honest he is about it, the more he talks bout the two others n comparisons to me, the more i feel like giving up and running back to him.



i thot humans were nice in general by nature. i still think so, but a little faith has gone down the drain. in fact, im pretty disgusted by what i imagine. hahaha. having a good imagination really puts me off.

no amount of explanation would help cos what's done is done.
i guess im not the only victim.
=)



feeling horrid cos of a thousand and one things.
1. siyuan n his doings. his smses and calls and explanations which im so sick of.
2. complaining to dear bout cindy (she's my friend dammit! why the hell am i getting bitchy over my own pal?)
3. hanging up on zk with that irritated tone (im sorry... i dunno what got me so irritated..)
4. studying n studying n nothing goes in.
5. crying over spilled milk
6. getting f-ed by dad for some stupid thing like hearing that i've got a bf from my cousins. fuck man. they can talk all they like. im studying and dont come barking at me about some stupid picture in friendster. i DID NOT put that picture to boast to the whole world that i have a bf alright. though i'd rather be so free as to do that than to sit here mugging all night n have u barking right next to my ear. freak im so so so irritated.
7. its the bloody time of the month. literally bloody. urgh.
8. i dun have anything to look forward to this week. damn.



i'd be lying if i said it doesnt hurt. i just wanna know, if u thought of me before you did what you did. did u spare a thought for my feelings.. did u even care? it doesnt matter if i found out then or now. by knowing the truth now, u think i wont be hurt as bad? im losing trust in you as a person da.. u arent like that.. pls tell me you arent so cruel... though your actions have alr proved me otherwise. sighs. pls spare me a space in your heart.. cos u've taken such a huge part of me away... im not the same, cos you're the one that has changed me to who i am today..

im learning to see all your failures as a reminder to me to see all his virtues... and this only makes me love him more, and hate u less...



there's a song that's inside of my soul
its the one that i've tried to write over and over again
im awake in the infinite cold
vut you sing to me over and over again

so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands
and pray to be only yours
i pray to be only yours
i know now you're my only hope

sing to me the song of the stars
of your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

and i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
i pray to be only yours
i know now you're my only hope

i give you my apathy
im giving you all of me
i want Your symphony
singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs im giving it back


nv felt so cheated and humiliated before... perhaps im just undeserving of a good guy... da.. u gave me everything n then took it away from me.. how cruel can u be....



kai n wei n kor popped by n dropped me ice teh tarik. =) much much much appreciated.

silly me. always as foolish as ever. believing in people i shdnt. n finding out hurting truth afterwards. baby hit bull's eye again. i feel so disgusted, its revolting. bastards do exist, even those really close to me. losing faith in guys, in general. monogamy, is it that hard to practice? dont blame him, i can only chide myself for being so blind. for trusting someone i shdnt have trusted. then the question comes, shd i fully trust zk?



some people give up everything for smth they desire.
others give up the thing they desire to keep smth they have.

no one is to say which is better.

im just glad i din give in to temptation.
he can color my life, promise me the world.
but that spark for him in me is gone.
happiness doesnt just belong to me n him.
he made me learn how to survive alone.
'you can only be with someone if you know how to be with yourself'


heard leon's story (but its a one sided story from him). about how his ex totally blew up the whole r/s. heard na's story. of how enticed she was by all the new things going on arnd her. new ppl, new environment, new r/s? heard hui's story. distance really makes one pine for her bf. but after some time, this pining leads to fading of feelings. one in hall, another in NS. sighs.

met fel today. at potong pasir stn. talked to her like talking to an old fren of sorts. i ever asked myself if i blame her for what happened between sy n me. i realised, no. cos if it wasnt her, i wouldnt know that sy didnt really love me that much after all. n even if it wasnt her, it'd be someone else. just a matter of time n person, doesnt make a diff yea? she's a nice girl, i trust sy's taste and i trust that she's sweet n nice. anw no point raking up history, she's still a friend. a tad more than an acquaintance i'd say.



getting irritated by sy n his incessant smses/calls. i thot i made myself very clear. he thinks that i dunno what i want, but in fact, i think its the other way round. i dunno why but between us, it has always been a case of one person trying n the other person ignoring. sooner or later, both will get tired out and everything else is drained from the r/s. i really cant be bothered anymore. we both ought to find someone better. sighs. i'd rather have bad times with you.. than good times with someone else. what a pity. sucha waste.

wo da ying zi ji bu yao fang qi
wo da ying zi ji bu yao wang ji

after hearing from na, i dunno to be happy or sad for her. but definitely, my heart goes out to jk. where is the na that spends weeks on a pressie for him? where is the na that wanted things simple and loved jk for her life? not that i dun like her the way she is now, i just pity jk cos she's changed and she no longer wants him as part of her life. he doesnt only feel jilted, he feels abandoned... n he's still hopeful. though i dun see very much hope after talking to na. sighs. n i thot they were one of the strongest going couples i've seen.

i was so tempted to continue having fun.. but i found someone i could settle with and not lose my freedom. jk doesnt take away much of her freedom, how can she be so cruel? i seldom see her so heartless. in fact, i've never seen..