his bday whizzed past. with me self studying at home, then out to meet kor n then dear for mj, putting his bday at the back of my mind, the last thing i'd ever think of. but his msges have to come. simply read n deleted. somehow his msges kinda irk me when they seem to hint that he wants my company, or hinting that i probably shdnt be with someone like zk whom he thinks isnt as good as him. wth la! cant stand his ever-so-judgemental ways, and his huge ego that always stands in the way when we quarrel. sigh. he wont change, essentially he's still him.

na n jk going thru a rough patch again. her korean melodrama is up again. =( i hate to see msges from jk cos i know its definitely smth not right. sighs. why let a moment of fun or folly jeopardise the relationship?



sorry. i dont know how to defend myself or explain things. i'll prob just make things worse. yes i contacted him yet again, but this time round, i feel so unjust. cos u really have no idea what i was telling him. dear, i just wished you could listen, or at least, know what we were smsing about, before jumping to any conclusion. you probably have no idea why im so hurt by you asking me to leave.. coz i hate to be ignored n rejected.. especially by my bf. its that feeling i hate most.. im most afraid of. its okay.. u didnt know it'd matter so much to me i guess.. u didnt know i cried the minute i turned away, did ya? its alright.. some things, i still havta learn to cope with it.. even as i type this, i dunno why my tears are falling...

its good that there's no one home, its just lex, music and me.. i wished the previous entry was from me to him now. i was so touched.. n the next moment, im so hurt.



I used to love her. But now I dun. I only have you in my heart if you will believe me. Sigh ....



4 days. the xstitch is still halfway in the making. the heart still hangs midway. the idiot is still here waiting... n da refuses to turn and look. even if he did, he wouldnt come near, neither would i. its like a safety distance i gotta keep from him so i wont plunge into it again, n like a doggie chasing its tail, i fail to find a solution. still reading bout him from others' blogs. still hearing from his frens. i dun even know what this is all for. n i dunno how long this will last. i may not see him, i may not contact him, but im still so so so bothered by his well being, his whereabouts, his life. screw it. i feel f-ed up whenever i find myself dwelling back into this. cos it aint justified at all.

i feel guilty towards zk. i was never the only one in sy's heart, n i knew how it felt. now im doing it to zk. sorry dear... will u forgive me if i had another other than you?

i cant describe this feeling.. its so tormenting im going numb... perhaps zk's going thru all this, but he isnt showing it in any way.. cos i believe he loves her as much as i love him... then again, it isnt easy for him to take this all alone. i cant type anymore... tears of guilt towards my baby?

lex's here... n he knows im upset.. cos he pawpawing n sayanging me... n he just rests peacefully on my laps...











and after typing that whole chunk.... i find that the one i really miss and need now is limzhikai. that's comforting to know.



listening to what qinyun had to say today, i thought bout how i was in the past. perhaps.. that was the way my frens felt bout me too. now i find it so much more comfortable spending time w him n his frens, or me n my frens. when in the past it was all 2-ppl-party. tt's why i found it boring, n i was always seeking fun elsewhere. but then again, i've frens who come straight up n tell me, "OI! stop ditching frens for ur bf k!" understand how qinyun feels, n she only feels this way cos she treasures her as a close pal. its hurting, tt's why she's mad. i wasnt really accommodating towards hua's sticky-ness to her bf at first too. when she's bored of just having him arnd, she'd start looking for the crowd again. its a phase during honeymoon period i guess. (a period i dun believe exists, cos if he's the one, honeymoon period shd span thru the entire r/s) im so glad i've ppl like han, chris n dan, those whom i can jio out anytime. i get bored too easily.

ppl in uni arent as simple as u think they are. its diff from jc. very different. i cant help but protect myself a lil more. n of cos, try to protect my frens.



dear's words sting. i know some of those touched the most sensitive corners of my heart, but i refuse to mention. do i refuse to learn from my mistakes? i can only say that i do unto him what i think is alright for him to do unto me. i thot its fine to go out w ex or flings or whosoever, as long as i knew what i was doing. n of cos, i nv stopped him going out w his ex or flings or yadayadayada. i thot it was mutual, but nope, it isnt. not that i blame zk. i know i aint in the best posn to say i know how to take care of myself. so i think i shd be good n listen. n be especially good when he's in camp. i can understand his anxiety n concerns, but darling, not all things happen in recurring cycles. dont compare what ur ex did n be afraid it'll happen again... pls? i'd be paranoid by now if i compared u against sy. two separate entities dun behave the same way.

i said he kinda touched the sensitive edges, he kinda negated his way to make me realise it was kinda like i deserved what i got from sy. sy knows how to get arnd making me feel a certain way, n i was always thrown into nasty moods afterwhich. but it was me who allowed this to happen, i knew he could twirl me round his fingertips and make me all emo, but i still gave him the chance to do so to me. if i didnt deserve it, what wassit? tt's why.. when zk was swearing at how f-ed up sy was.. a tear rolled down my cheek. not for him, but for myself...

got my 2 earholes back. previously i pierced them the first time i left sy. now im piercing them cos im leaving him for good. lalala. i said i'd mark the end. now i just wanna settle for a simple n peaceful r/s. i really hate to upset zk. but i still do.. =( many-a-times i still think i can act as though im single.. i forget bout his feelings.. forget that there's someone out there who actually cares bout how i feel..

cos it nv was the case.



heard this song in my playlist, and i rmr someone dedicating it to me before. beautiful lyrics. he's missed.

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Let's go back to the start

Running in circles,
Coming our tails,
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Take me back to the start

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me,
Come back to haunt me,
Oh when I rush to the start

Running in circles,
Chasing our tails,
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start


i wont forget him saying, "Gal, u're still too young to understand. Go, and if u return to me years later, tell me what i've missed out in ur life..." up till now, i cant find another who'd tell me the same words. =) he wont read this, but yes darling, u're missed. come to think of it, those few mths were sheer bliss.



sent him msges along that line. excluding the i love you's. dear thinks im stroking his ego, but i really dun think there's anything he ought to be proud of. (i wonder why i dun feel proud i walked out of this screwed up r/s) but then again, i feel so much better to have sent those msges, to have affirm myself and make my stand clear. perhaps this would reassure myself where im heading too. its just a good move for me to get on with life. feels so much better knowing i wont be facing him anytime soon. escapism? i prefer to think that im facing the music.

he's taken a part of me along w him. n im a changed person. less trusting *definitely*, less lovey-dovey, less cheery, less hyperactive. shut myself up till dear came along, n im rediscovering myself w this baby of mine. cant decipher if its sy or zk who changed me, but i feel old in relationships. aged. while all my frens are still hoping for fairytale love stories, i've long given up on those. while they bask in love and yearn for romantism, i'm alr more of a realista and think nothing of sweet mushy earthlings. am i sounding gloomy or smth? im not. its just that i've seen some ugly sides of people, i cant help but lose faith. just a lil bit though, cos people are still essentially nice. everyone's beautiful, its how you look at them. cliche huh? but i really believe in that. "to me, you are (no longer) perfect."



feeling jaded. cant find a better word to describe my feelings right now. lex is best company for times like that, he nv fails to make me smile. past few nights of mj has left me nocturnal. energetic at night, sleepy n restless by day. tsktsk. isnt a good thing at all!

i wanna go to the beach, sprawl there n tan, n all emotions hidden under that face towel of mine. repressed. melancholic. probably abit of everything.

manipedi tmr. n arranging for a kbox session w those motorola ppl. weird combi, but they offered, no harm. basically leon n guys, n the 4 of us.

smses for keepsake. or to remind myself of smth. smth i promise myself. screwed up. its either him or me. things like that, i'd rather zk not know. same as to why he din wanna let me know bout visiting her blog n stuffs. some things, rather not say, rather not know. total honesty might not be the best thing in any r/s, but at least, it builds that rapport, that trust. nv thought that way in the past. but now i have to re-learn how to trust, and of cos, i learn to be all honest, n like zk puts it, keep a clean sheet. (it isnt easy!)

nic fucked himself upside down. bastard. a stupid one. gave him a piece of my mind and how i felt to be at the receiving end in my last r/s. if he really loves his gf, why the hell does he have to commit this sorta grave and unpardonable mistake?? he's giving me negative vibes alr. cos i really dislike guys who cheat n lie. who cares if its a white lie, its a lie my darling.

some babies just dont learn. have i learnt my lesson?



sorry doesnt work on me anymore da. no matter how sincere you are, things wont be reverted to the way it was. i cant get over you, but i've a thousand and one reasons to. so one day, im sure i would. cherish the one who's putting all her efforts onto u. dun let it slip by. u made me learn so many things, the hard way. i have forgiven u, but i cant forget what u've done to hurt me. the scar's too deep. this sounds really tough to say, but its the end of our journey tgt. Be *hugggs*. i love you, da. probably in ways and means you wouldnt fathom or understand, but i really do. i've met someone who can make me feel v happy, who can love and protect me when i need him, who can give me the security and assurance, who is now taking me onto a totally diff journey as of yours. if u're wondering, yes i do love him. im not hard up over u, and i've found someone as good, if not better. at the very least, we both cherish what we share, whether its more or less significant than our pasts. that's what i mean by caring enough. u had the chance to change, to take things in your hand, to prove to me that i mattered, not her. but u screwed it up once and again. now u're regretting cos u ran out of chances, is that even fair to me da? words dun tally with your actions, i dun seem to matter the least bit to u, till i left. is that how we stand? is that how we mark our end? sighs. as much as i love you, i've gotta let u go. that's the only way to make u realise what u've missed, n now lost. da, no r/s would be as intense or as uplifting as ours, noone would be able to love me the way u did, and nothing can replace those magic moments. just know that i love you, that's why im leaving you to fend for yourself. i cant always be arnd to be ur pillar of support, someone else has to take that place. u say i've changed, i've matured, and that's cos im without you baby. love her, pamper her, cherish her.. n pls dont hurt her. it isnt easy to recover.

:.:Love, huggs n kisses, bebe:.:



Da, i cant be there for u anymore. cos its torturing, simply too painful. its like staring at u from afar, yet not being able to help. i know i have the means to, but i cant. this would be the last msg, i promise. contacting u is just too much for me to take. im weak. yea, im weak cos its you im resisting. what we shared was amazing while it lasted, but the aftermath is a lil traumatising. u're my one and only Da, and for the last time im gonna say this (n im gonna miss saying this), i love you geh siyuan. if there's one thing that can turn back time n erase all those glitches, i'd still be madly in love with you. if there's one person i wish i could have forever, it'd have to be you. noone else's Be but yours. i wanna be in ur arms and noone else's, i wanna have u baobao me to sleep, i want to watch u play soccer, i wanna stay out w ya all night doing nth in particular, i wanna swim n tan w u, i wanna turn back time. i really do. but u've hurt me so deep. i fell so hard i cant pick myself up. u dunno how hard i cried. hwo hard im crying. but this shall be the last time im shedding tears for ya. sighs. i love you Da. i love you i love you i love you ... do u hear me?



i rmred what i wanted to type in here when i first woke up this morn.

i wont be bothered bout all that, cos i know what i want, n im not gonna let another person jeopardise my r/s. its more about the 2 parties in the r/s than anyone else that matters.

if u want it to work, it will. its how strong the will is.



chanced upon her blog. in his history items. a site he visits... everyday? perhaps he's still concerned bout her like im concerned bout sy. nope, thoughts arent wandering. im putting energy into getting sy off my mind off my back, i cant think bout anything else. n even if dear's to miss her or be concerned bout her life n all, i think its normal. which is probably why i wonder, why isit that he couldnt let me continue caring for sy? enough of those random thoughts. no more of siyuan in my life. sighs. i cant say that im not upset, but i wouldnt say that i am either. i think... he'd rather i not know, if not he'd have told. if im totally brutally honest, shd i be expecting the same?

nick's got into trouble w his gf. haiz. fun vs loved one, which would u choose? i'd rather stick to my loved one. that darling has got himself into shit lah. it'd be a miracle if his gf could stomach that. how could he do such a thing....

i really dun understand guys.



accompanied han to the airport ydae. saw ying off. or rather, saw her go off. it was the first time i saw han like that. no guts to say a word, not knowing what to do. sighs. i know its terrible having someone so close leave for sucha faraway place. rmr crying like shit for kenny when he left. but partings are... inevitable, if i may be cliche. hope she'll do fine, n of cos, all the best to ying over in manchester.

been wanting to get a piercing or a tattoo for so long. nv got down to it. now i've a reason to, n i cant find a stupid shop to pierce it. wth.

im given 50 reasons why sy's a bastard who doesnt deserve any pity or concern from me, and i find zilch reason to continue caring. if i din have someone telling me all that, i may not have seen the stark contrast. i shd learn to protect myself instead of having him trying to protect me. i miss hui n shu. ying n hua n chris. harry... has disappeared from my face of the earth, not that i want it that way. sighs.

jon leong of sg idol is damn good. he better win hady. =) still cant find that song he sang. ohh yea, yday marked my one mth of weekend freedom. but looking at the amt of projs n work to do, i may not enjoy all 4 weekends. sobs. n dear's ord-ing soon. *grins*



why do i think the way i do.. why do i let emotions decide actions..

4 simple words, he isnt worth it. then why do those tears still drop for him? ridiculous. i realised it wasnt pity for him. its plain concern. concern i shower unconditionally.

nick hit the spot. i cant stop caring for him. isit love or isit really nothing (as i put it to be). once he tells me he's upset, in trouble, lonely.. i'll worry for the next few days. occasionally smsing to ask if he's all right. i really cant stop caring. its like a natural routine i cant break.

i know dear would read this. i know it isnt fair to him. dun ask me what i want, cos u know all i want is you. my emotional side n rational side are not agreeing. if this is gonna continue, i might just give up... its tiring, and its so bloody unfair to zk. fuck, i dont know how to control my feelings or what? crap. im shagged out.



zk may be right to say that sy doesnt deserve to have me by his side when he's going thru all this. but i cant bear to leave him in the lurch just like that. its just too... cruel. seeing him, knowing he's facing this all alone. i've been there, n it feels like shit when u're all alone. i was with him (technically), but he wasnt there at all, when i needed him the most. shd i give him a taste of his own medicine? sighs. i'll get soft hearted n start showering concern msges. acting cold blooded isnt my forte. he may have the heart to abandon me at that pt in time, but i'll nv have the heart to abandon him, anytime.

zk once said he was afraid to lose me. i dun understand why. cos i always thot, i was more afraid of losing him...



zhi shao hai you ni keeps ringing in my head. n i suddenly recalled the vid i pieced tgt painstakingly. im a comp edeot, not to mention some stupid prog tt incorporates vid w music. haha. but i rmr how much i loved it. sweeeeeet. it was an accomplishment alright!

the guys are still the same. n i expected the awkwardness. im convincing myself that it'll just be a passing phase. it was nice hearing from all of u again. glad everyone's getting on just fine. short but sweet meetup. thanks guys. miss u bro.

i silently prayed for a coffee. (preferably starbucks or coffeebean) n i got a kopi-peng from 925 instead. hahaha. i wont complain. its better than nothing! mr nice guy's gf stays a few blocks away from me!! yishun is a place for girlfriends to be. lalala. my kopi-peng.



sometimes i just wish u could be more.... open-minded? understanding? sensitive? i dunno. maybe its me who's not sensitive to ur feelings.

yes i want to earn that money.. i'll prob need it, seeing my expenditure nowadays. compromising time w u, w my frens. i wonder if this job came timely.



coco got cancelled. thank god. i wasnt keen right from the start. its the time of the mth, the crowd isnt fantastic, the music isnt that zai, the drinks are only alright, the place is small. ohh yes, my eye candy wouldnt be there. but cos eve felt bad we all bought tics from alex. take it as doing charity la. n i was alr v sianed by the fact i had to cancel out on ying n chris for dinner. i really wanted to meet them. urgh. but then again i din want to abandon eve cos of her stuffs w eric. somehow, i think eric n her dun really know what they're looking for yet. right person at the wrong time perhaps.

darling, u might read this tmr, when u head home after camp.. but i just wanted to tell u how much i hate arguing with u.. i dun get mad but i simply get irritated. just wanna hang up on u. sometimes i do understand ur pt, but can u also think bout my stand? i felt damn bad to eve just now u know. u know i club alone w frens all the time, u know i dun club w my bf.. n i dunno why u had an issue w it just now. not like the crowd would be sleazy or smth. its all my sch ppl. i wasnt keen, but i wouldnt let eve go alone, so i'd just acc her down.. even if i din like it, even if im tired, even if i've still got work.. i just wouldnt leave her to go alone n u know it. so why cant u just like... get off my back? aiyah forgeddit. u might just read this the very moment i post it.

i love you.. and i dun wanna argue w u over stupid issues. miss u lah... irritated.



nick knows my fave bubble tea n he had it waiting for me after sch yday!! anw hope he's lovey dovey w his gf again. their 'blow hot blow cold' tempers are really scary. but then again, he's alr tolerated so much of her, she's taken so much crap from him, i think they know how much they mean to each other lah. from nick, i know he loves her a whole damn lot. dunno her though, just keep hearing stories from him, and how they survived upheavals in their r/s. listening to him is like listening from a guy's pt of view.. some of which i dun understand n i dun agree with, but its just sharing session. came to a conclusion that guys are jealous creatures, who do not show their jealousy outright most of the time. girls tend to think too much (i confess!) and girls love to feeeeeeeeel alot. feeling insecure, a girl can just turn to another guy. feeling lonely she can easily find another for company. feeling upset she'll lend a guy's shoulder to lean on. n these 'guys' might not be her bf, but to her its alright. a guy feels upset n probably only confides in very few frens. maybe the same old guy buddies. ohh and guys tend to find it easier to confide in girls! (tt was where i came in handy) hahaha. i agree to the girl thing, cos i know i've done things like that. but i realised how my actions could hurt that significant other, and how pointless it is to upset him with stupid actions when im upset. its dumb, like how i wallow in misery and find comfort from others, eventually even leading to a quarrel w him. in the very first place if i went to him wouldnt there be no problem? and guys like nick simply attract too many girls. its no wonder his gf would be insecure. n it isnt like all the girls arnd him are like me, short n unattractive. DUHH~ of cos his gf's affected rite. who'd want his/her bf surrounded by all sorta pretty girls? (i dun really care anw) like i told nick, if he loves her that much, he wouldnt give her up for any girl, n he'd give up the world for her.

when the feelings have died, no amt of words can bring it back, no amt of love can move my heart.



im sure its the pms. n of cos the stress from all this work. im just feeling quite bothered and easily irritated. and mom refuses to top up my account, saying i shd get money from dad for the expenses on Lex. HELLO~ i spent like $600 on him alr, and im on no talking terms w dad, cant u just get it from him n put that money into my acct first? freak. i've never ever ran so low on cash in my bank acct alright.. it sucks big time.

uhh uh. work is no better. sch work is just like this huge truckload of rubbish i gotta clear. proj, assignments, tests, readings. how the hell does anyone complete all of it? if i study every other hour when im not in a lect or recitation, perhaps.

got a haircut today! again. haha. n han crashed CSE lect n did our quiz!!! omg. she's damn funny. eve n i are alr attracting enough attn as we are, and with her, its like the whole lect was staring at us. gosh. but the lecturer was hilarious. he's like this chicken little old man who's damn pervert. heh.

alright back to work, or i'll never get beauty sleep. i lack money, sleep, time and fun. hahahaha. freakin nick managed to get me out of pms mode. walao he's damn self entertaining + ppl entertainer. being on the fone w him is like putting urself in the constantly laughing mode, it gets tiring! okayy... really, back to work.



boo. wont i find a nicer blog name? its pms, lack of sleep, near-screwup of plans today, n that dad of mine tt's contributing to my attitude tonight. of cos i was v happy w cfps girls, but now i feel pretty crappy. just tired lah.

i'll be loving you forever.... how sweet does that sound. he said it, he broke the promise, n now he says it again.. he'd just break it once again.

i've gotta study for that psy quiz on tues, research for that comm paper, do ying's pressie w han, write my ugc essay. nitey, this is too much to think for the night, or for my 5 hrs of bedtime.



cute face, hot bod n that sense of humor. tsk. a guy girls would die for. dying in the hands of a girl. haha.. nick is sucha loser. he can please all girls but that girl of his, he can humor all but her, he can charm all but her, but he can love none but her. like eve says, why do good guys get bad girls?

sounds like he loves her alot, and losing her n not being able to keep her by his side is sucha traumatic thing. why dont i see guys cherishing me or my gfs like that huh huh huh?? hope that lovelorn darling would 'recover' soon. its kinda funny how we're like frens now. when we started off as strangers seeking for fun n company.



why isit that he appears when im upset or frustrated? and... it never happened that way in the past. fate just likes to play pranks on me. how weird for him to msg me n ask right away, "are u okay?". its like he expected me to be troubled, when i havent said a word. telepathy? doubt so. it should have stopped short when we broke up. din feel anything, except that i vented quite alot on him. well, it was a convenient outlet.

at times like this, i really hate the fact that i depend on dad for money. for the family, for my studies. if only if i could support myself. he wouldnt let me move out n he wouldnt give me freedom. wtf. 3 mths of studying for 2 or 3 weeks of freedom? is that even a reasonable deal? i dunno. dun think i have much of a choice. except to agree to the 'no stayover rule'. damn.



think im hearing n thinking too much for my own good, as usual. gotta believe in what my own eyes n ears n heart tell me. not to start going paranoid over hear-say. not to doubt him, not to doubt myself.. feel like sucha dumbass to have cried in front of him lah. n it isnt even him who made me cry. i was crying for myself, for my cowardity. yea im afraid, scared, terrified of any guy that would lie me. cos i will always tell myself that it isnt true. always choose to believe blindly. when i fall in the end, tt's when i fall flat. n its not only happened once or twice.. it always happens. its either that im extremely gullible, or guys just love to cheat me. some fear, some insecurity within that i can never get rid of. sighs. some scars cant be erased.