cheeky appeared in my lect. i thot i saw a familiar face, n before i could recall his name, he called out to me. oh yea he looks cute, so probably a fling. n true enough he was. the last time we met was like.. 3 yrs back? hmm.. eve deemed him a eye candy. he's good looking i must admit, but still a party junkie. his gf's even more extreme. weird couples nowadays. tsktsk...



nv felt so xing fu as i felt lying in dear's bed, with him hugging me n telling me he'd be off to work, giving me a peck on the forehead b4 he leaves.

wo jue de zi ji hao xing fu, yu jian yi ge wo na me xi huan de ren.

just keep fingers crossed tt nothing screws up.

finished UGC essay. wrote total rubbish! at least i think its crap. its common sensical, to the extent that i dunno how to answer. its just me that's dumb isnt it?



he has no idea what he has taken away from me. he doesnt know what his promises held. im not being selfish, not being childish. i need time away from him. he didnt even question, im pretty sure he knows why.

hated the squabble w dear this morn. plain dumbness. sometimes i dun like the way dear reacts to ppl he dislikes. wei, kai n now sy. he says its the things they do, but there are times i feel that its his personal bias. im tired of mindless bickers. at the end of it i dun even rmr what we were quarreling for, what we were bickering abt. stupid isnt it? my heart only has space for one... only that one baby of mine. sighs.

switched on tv n some girl was singing zhi shao hai you ni. speak of coincidences. dear brought cm, darius n me to beppu in tiong bahru, n i realised i've been there b4. beautiful place. =)



he thinks its cos he's so much better than zk. but no, zk's so much better than him. im only like that cos i know i cant get him, all the more i want him. i know i'll nv be the only one in his heart, cos there's always space for others. there are always loopholes for outsiders, always chances for others to pose or create probs. i know he's not faithful, not trustworthy, not caring, insensitive. n yet i want him. cos i know, i'll nv get him the way i want him to be.



some things feel good when done the ol'fashioned way. like how they used to be done. its like a routine revisited. we'd be sitting at the bench, he'd slip on the earphones for me, turn on the song he'd like me to hear. n the lyrics always speak of what's on his mind. n this time round, there were 2 songs.

superwoman - a song i nv expected him to play. i mean, he isnt even into cheena music n stuffs. but somehow, i knew what he wanted to tell me w that song. almost, n i mean ALMOST, brought me to tears. but i din wanna let him see me cry, not again. he's seen enough of that. sighs. too late baby.

linger - he watched click. he watched the breakup. n he knew i'd love this song. the lyrics again, speak of our history. so so so fittingly.

zhi shao hai you ni - a song that belongs to us. only us. i rmr o level result day, sitting at esplanade w him, listening to this song. i dun wish to rmr anymore. i dun have him anymore.

talked bout his family, talked bout mel n ser. things arent going too well for him i must say, but i dunno how i can render help. at the most, i can only be a listening ear. it'd be weird to talk to aunty, even weirder to ask him anything. its like, im in no position to ask so much. bout mel, its a pity. he said he'd be staying single for awhile more, cos he hasnt came across anyone that he wanted as much. n i can only wonder what that is supposed to mean.

i hate this feeling i get when i listen to those 2 songs now. why is he able to sway my mood even though he's outta my life? why is he still sucha deciding factor in my life? why do i seem to care so much still? this isnt fair to zk. neither is this fair to myself. cant i just let go n give myself a chance to love someone else totally? argh. fuck it. this sucks. i shdnt dwell on him anymore. neither shd i consider bout rejecting other guys n their feelings. just reject n freakin not care a shit. tt would be betta.



met sy ydae, for really good fish head curry. the same old cafeteria in thomson plaza. it was nice, nothing too awkward or anything, but hearing him talk bout his family now.. it kinda saddens me. nv expected things to really turn this way. n rong's still so young, hope he'll take it alright. other than tt, it felt nice to meet him again. pretty much the same old him, a lil skinnier, changed specs, but essentially the same person. enjoyed his company, loved lunch.

wish tt i can meet aunty soon. miss her. do i miss him? maybe... yes. just a lil.



celebrated twinnie's bday, went balc n k. no idea how we got to a stage whereby 7 pages of eng songs were chosen. for xf perhaps. old eng songs are just that few, n of cos there were tonnes of those that sy used to sing for me. even some that kai sang for me b4. nice songs, nice memories.

met kai at balc. it was a awkward meeting i must say. i saw him, turned away, hoping he wouldnt notice me. n there he was, turning arnd to look at me, n all these were seen by han. -_-" no wonder han knew what i was referring to when i said we shd leave asap. he dropped by partyworld hoping i could meet him, but thank god i refused to. but i've gotta mention, he looks darn good in that shirt we bought.

dear was msging sy yday, cos my hands were dirty w orange peel. yes i mean orange peel. i actually touched the stupid orange for him!! that's a first. tt isnt the pt. the pt is, sy actually commented smth dumb like me having a possessive bf. hello~ pot calling the kettle black? if i could be really blunt i'd really reply him saying 'he cant be half as possessive as u'.. if only if sy knew what it was to give his gf freedom... yupp he's pretty mcp, pretty bad tempered.. n i wonder why i love him. same for dear isnt it? he's effiminate, childish at times, needs a lil too much attn. now we're spending so much time tgt it feels so natural to see him arnd. its hard to imagine when sch starts.

im going on a diet. seldom say this, but i am going on a diet! for what i've no idea. dun really care either.



lovelovelove lex to bits. he's skinnier n longer now. mom says he's less cute. but he's still my darling baby. miss him to bits cos im spending nights over w dear. its been a week, n i think it'll soon be over b4 i know it. that night sleeping alone at home, sure feels different. maybe i am getting used to having someone next to me. or seeing that sleepyhead in the morning.

exchange of gift! d&g lightblue n fred perry bag. I MANAGED TO FIND MY FRED PERRY BAG!!!!! hah. but the cute guy wasnt in the shop that day. sulk.

the breakup was so atypical, so realistic. it wasnt a comedy at all. it'll just hit the soft spots of those who have gone thru that sorta r/s. when one party tries too hard, the other sits n waits, when the other realises, its all too late. doesnt that sound so familiar? cos that was exactly what i told sy. that i was tired. i was too tired n i had nothing more to give. alr gave him everything, i felt so empty inside.. so drained... perhaps, all couples will walk to this stage. also, the movie gave me 2nd thots bout living tgt w zk in future, or any bf. living tgt is much more than fun, there's much more to considerate, much more to quarrel about.

besides, i miss daddy mommy. miss lex. but of cos, i'll miss him if he isnt arnd.

din get to meet up w sy again. our glorious food at thomson plaza's still waiting. but he did say he'd make a trip down to sch to acc me for agedashi tofu!! heh. my fave agedashi tofu, just at np.

since zk wont read this, i can gladly say, i love this baby to bits.



forgot to mention tt i met yongchiang kor at 925. he saw zk. had a small chat w him n mdm n belle n ah pui. anw, kor was still protective as ever, saying the same thing as yongchuang. tt the 3 couzies will bash him up if he mistreats me. haha. i love them.

dear's acting dumb next to me. cant stand it. wth man. anw we just cooked carbonara!! n its a success yea! =) i wanna club. oh wait, i wanna bathe. btw this week w dear has been great. not exactly all fun but its just comfy. n i love this comfort. now i do think i want this r/s to last.



sy got his wisdom tooth extracted. n that was how 'coincidentally' i din meet him at causeway. randomly msged to suan him bout not being able to eat stuffs, n his msg got me stumped.

"yea kinda miss the steaks u prepared.. maybe they tasted good for a diff reason in the past though!"
"brew porridge for me like im some sickling n i promise i'd finish it.."

perhaps im just thinking too much. or reading a lil too much for my own good. owells. anw mj at brianna's place w dear, nic, han, brianna. met roy tan after a long long long time too. hahaha. he's as lame as ever. nv admitting that he's old. lalala. im late for work.



he might not give me the riches in the world, he might not fit the bill, but if he loves me just the way he does now, forever, i think i'd just stick w him... perhaps even forever...

loving was so tough till i met him.



i dunno if this is for the better or worse for kai, but im still choosing to let things go. as much as dear doesnt agree, as much as im risking whatever's at stake, i dun care. the liking for kai has died off. the very moment he tried to force himself on me, i knew it was gone. he wasnt who i knew. too bad. i just meet bastards sometimes. but if given a chance, he might just change. tt's why the chance now.

i might not see things in zk's light. i may be too judgemental to say that his rxn is childish. the word he used might just be right. he's a lil more vicious than other guys. i dun know him well enough... not yet perhaps. one thing im glad is that we can talk things out, for now at least.. rollercoaster ride sorta r/s may be emotional, memorable, but they're tiring. n scars will not fade as easily as u wish for them to.. i love this baby.. a lil more each day.



havent written a proper letter in eons. n this letter's for kai. writing to him feels like im writing to... a pen pal. someone who seems to know me well, but actually, not well enough.

got awoken by his voice, telling me he had to go to camp. telling me how he didnt want to go to camp. gave me a fuzzy hug when i was half asleep. with my eyes closed, the action of him covering me w the blankie, covering my eyes w the doggy, giving me a peck on the lip b4 he left for camp.. its sheer bliss. havent felt loved like that before.. never ever.. n i guess, only he can make me feel this way... love him to bits, but i nv know how to express it. these lil things, really make me feel that he cares..

kai's incident.. i stood up for kai cos i thot he would change since he apologised. seeing zk get worked up, i dunno whether to be upset or to smile. im upset cos i dun like the fact that zk scolds kai all the vulgarities n what's not. but i'd smile cos zk's worked up over me. stupid as it sounds, but yea.. if zk bothered, i shd make that lil effort to make him feel better huh?

amanda's leaving for US tmr. hopefully we can still write or email each other. =) i'll miss her. its sad how the adults split us apart like that.



quarrelled w dear over smth dumb. n shu's so psychic she could tell when she called me. i think i need my space sometimes.. to do what i think i shd do.. its retarded to argue over kai n i just dun wish to speak of him anymore.. why does zk still wanna interfere? i dun understand. being nice to kai is at the expense of zk's feelings. why does it have to be this way? i dun understand. n i hate situations when im stuck in the middle... isit that zk isnt understanding enough or isit that im insensitive?

the day out w shu felt so good. it was like meeting an old friend, n we felt like we havent met for a year or smth. she thot i had alr been w zk for a year, while i thot her sis-in-law had given birth alr (when she's only 5mths pregnant). tt's what time does to ppl, they either hasten or slow things down. but nth changes that closeness, that proximity of our hearts. amazing isnt it?


Linger. the song that always makes me tear.

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?



managed to get "10 things i hate about you". the movie we missed cos of a huge quarrel. n now, im watching it w someone else.



just deleted a old old old blog of mine. the one that tracked my r/s w sy. the one that recorded all the ups n downs, the tears n joy.. surprisingly it still hurt a lil. but nth much. just... memories. talked to zk bout sy.. bout all the stuffs i saw n closed an eye to. all he could say was that i was alr at the ultimate stage of self denial. could turn into some deity alr. i think so too man.. how did i take all that down? its all the shit that u go thru tgt that ties u guys tgt.. n indeed, i've been thru lots of crap w sy. one look of his could make me cry. i was so vulnerable, cos i gave him my all.. leaving myself w nothing, almost no self esteem, no pride.. sounds damn pathetic now. at tt point of time, all i could think about was him, all i wanted was him, all i needed was him by my side. anniversaries, festives, holidays.. all those just piece this huge puzzle of me n sy, which somehow crumbled. its ironic how both girls left him.. n its only after leaving him that i realised, he isnt worth it. to think that i turned back b4 he did, hoping for that lil glimpse of hope.. what the heck was i thinking abt? i shd learn to enjoy n treasure this stable, shit-less sorta r/s. less exciting? maybe. less attachment? might not be. it might just be this stability that'll make me love him more... n more.

i love his warm fuzzy hug that puts me to sleep, his hi-and-goodbye kisses, his stupid nicks for me, his smile, his smell.. dang, i even love his irritating ways, his vain mannerisms, his look when im plucking his facial hair, his dumb fights w me.. sometimes i say im getting sick of him, but its so not true... i cant get enough of him...

he asked if i'd forgive him if he slept w another girl.
the ans is, i don't believe he'd ever cheat on me, but if he really ever did, he'd shatter my heart.. n tt's when my heart stops beating for him.

if he ever sets eyes on another girl, he finds someone better (which i dun think is tough at all!), just lemme know. i'll gladly let go. i cant take another blow like the previous. no... i trust limzhikai.



THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I WON LIMZHIKAI IN DOTA, 1V1. YAYYS~~!

im one happy girl. going to bed! lalala~



the previous private blog died down, n now i pen thots in here.. some stuff perhaps i wouldnt like zk to know, some stuff i wanna rmr myself.. its 13th aug n its been 5 mths w this darling of mine.. everything from the start was a whirlwind. i din even know what i was in for.. dating a guy 3 yrs older.. losing what i kept for 18 yrs.. trying out things that used to intrigue me. he's a great guy, no doubt.. but sometimes i just find him so... unreliable? tt's if i wanna think bout a future w him. for now im just taking a step at a time, enjoying times spent w him.. n everything's a-okay. if things just stay this way, i think i'd have v lil to fret..

if only if i could think this way when i was w sy.. perhaps we wouldnt be under so much stress.. im only 19, why look so far into the future? i make plans for myself, and whoever's the one by my side at that point in life, so be it.. tonnes of regret about the previous r/s.. cos i let smth so perfect slip right thru my fingers.. n when i try to grasp it, its alr gone.. just like what sy said, "it could have been forever, but we stopped short, and it became smth that ever happened.." like a dream, the startling wake took me by surprise. n i sorta nv woke up.. keep wanting to fall asleep again, go back to where we used to be.. maybe what zk said is true, things may have alr been progressing way faster than i expected between sy n fel.. they were alr so close right before my eyes... i dun wanna know what goes on behind closed doors. talking bout sy, i can still put up a forced smile, but deep within it still kinda hurts. which is why i wonder, how much must one love to be able to forgive like zk did to his ex... it must have been one heck of a love. whatever that means. falling so deep in love's amazing.. u're just so smitten.. but then again, its hard to crawl back up... that's why i took so long.

those flings when i were younger were for cheap thrills, those when i got older were for fun n thrill n curiosity... cant believe zk fell into the latter. even w him now, i do think bout trying things out.. again for thrill. but i realised im starting to love this baby... n i cant bear to hurt him. fidelity isnt THAT tough y'know.. especially when u know u love that one person.. and the rest simply dun appeal as much alr.



im so spoilt by your love i dunno how to bask in someone else's.